Paul's Reality

I had been thinking about going to church for several months. We always attended church when I was young – up to the age of 10 or so if my memory is to be trusted (which it often is not). I’ve never known why but my family just drifted away from it after that. I hadn’t thought much about religion or spirituality for many years, but recently I have had a desire to explore it. At the very least, it would be another badly needed social outlet for me. But I was having a great deal of anxiety about it. I wasn’t sure exactly how services are conducted these days. I mean the routine, etc. For me that is a stumbling block. The plan was to meet with the pastor of the church I was interested in and discuss some of these things first. However, I was having anxiety about that too!

On Sunday morning, April 21, something unexpected and inexplicable happened. I just decided I was going to church that day, despite not knowing exactly what it would be like. Actually that’s not quite accurate. I’m not even certain it was a conscious decision, exactly. It was more like I found myself doing it. I was nervous, but it went OK. I have returned each Sunday since then, four in all now.

My sister, whom I had a falling out with and had not really spoken to in three years, is a regular and very active in the church. I wasn’t sure how that was going to be either, but she has been giving me a ride home every week (I walk to church) and we are on friendly speaking terms at this point.

Only one aspect of this hasn’t gone smoothly. The second week I filled out a “guest card” and checked off the box indicating I would like a visit from the pastor. As it was, the following week turned out to be the peak of my recent anxiety spike, and I panicked when he called to arrange a meeting! I wasn’t very happy with myself about that. I haven’t had a chance to explain in any detail, but on the way into services the following Sunday I apologized for being hard to reach and said that I was having some issues right now and maybe it would be best to put off the meeting until I got back on my feet a little.

I am very, very tired. The reporting of that unexpected income got entangled with my annual eligibility review for medicaid and food assistance. While working on sorting that out some strange error occurred with their computer system somehow thinking I had reported another occupant of the household. Today I went into their office to sort these issues out and complete the review. I will rest easy once I receive official notification in the mail, but the very nice person I worked with there today said everything should continue as it has been with no changes or interruptions.

I’m still waiting for a letter with the official word on whether I have to pay back a month (or more?) of SSI. I sure hope they let me know soon.

I had a difficult time sorting out what the requirements for a building permit were under new state codes. For a while I thought I was going to have to hire an inspector at a cost of hundreds if not thousands of dollars, which would have prevented me from doing any further work on my house. Fortunately, after much ado and running around trying to get straight answers, it seems I do not have to do that – this time. However there is legislation pending that may change that next year.

The planning for purchases had to be done so quickly a lot of smaller things were forgotten.  Now I need to arrange transportation to the city at least once if not two or three times to get those items. Until that is accomplished I cannot do much work on the place. I keep going onto a total panic/anxiety shutdown when I try to ask for help, so I’m getting nowhere with that – and the clock is ticking. I need to get on this work immediately to have a realistic chance of completing it this summer.

I am having a great deal of anxiety arising from all these issues. I have days that I function well despite this (encouraging) and days I do not function at all (alarming). I am often waking in the morning with those awful, paralyzing anxiety attacks I used to have.

This has been very draining. On top of that I have had some physical exertion as well. Last Friday I realized I was completely out of time and options on getting a bag of Boo’s prescription food before he ran out, so I decided to gamble on making the 34 mile round trip on my bicycle. There are several large hills on the route. I made it, but was extremely tired and sore when I got home.

OK, so I still haven’t gotten around to customizing this new version of the blog. Oops.

Life has been hectic. A relative I hadn’t seen since I was a child appeared at my door to tell me an uncle I barely saw a dozen times in the last 30 years passed away and left me a bit of money. It wasn’t a fortune by any means, but enough to make a serious leap forward on my home repairs. It was also enough to disqualify me from disability benefits. I panicked! After a day wondering what to do, even considering burning the check and trying to pretend I never saw it, I decided there was only one thing to be done: report the income and hope for the best.

Sometimes I am amazed how much progress I have actually made. In a single day I called Social Security, my state’s Department of Health and Human Services, my credit union, my oil company, and two friends (to ask for help with transportation and advice on certain aspects of home repair). Can you believe that just one short year ago I would end up unconscious on the floor if I tried to make any one of those calls?

Leaving out all the gory details, the story seemed to be that I would not lose benefits and would not have to give the government all the money if I was able to prove that I spent most of it by the end of the current month. Panic! It was already the 18th!

Let the race begin! I had to wait 5 days (3 business days with an intervening weekend) for the credit union to release the temporary hold on funds from deposit of a personal check. During that time I scrambled to prioritize projects and make a shopping list. Immediately upon funds being available to spend, I visited my favorite building supplies dealer to place a somewhat large order: windows, siding, plywood, kitchen counter tops, some small items and tools needed to do the work. Now it became a race to see if funds would actually be taken out of my account in time to meet the deadline. You never know how quickly a debit card purchase will actually go through and result in funds being transferred.

Fortunately all went smoothly. On the 26th I submitted documentation on the money and how it was used at the nearest Social Security office. That was a very stressful trip but I got through it with some help from a friend. To date, I have been told two different versions of what to expect in terms of how much money I will have to give the government because I had this extra income. It is nerve wracking to have to spend several thousand dollars immediately in order to minimize loss of income one depends on for survival, without knowing how much of that income you’re going to have to do without or pay back! My best guess at this point, based on what I think I understand, is that I will have to pay an amount equal to about 15% of the money my uncle left me. That is manageable. I planned for that even though initially I was led to believe I would not have to repay anything. If it ends up being significantly more than that,  I could be in for a rough go of it. I’m obviously going to have some anxiety until this all gets resolved.

Meanwhile, I have immediately launched into finishing a home repair and improvement project I had started a year and a half ago. I need that space completed because, among other things, it is my tool storage area. I really need my tools out of temporary storage in the living room before I tackle the major work to come!It promises to be quite a summer. Honestly, I’m not entirely certain I can do this much in one summer, given other critical activities such as continuing to work on my recovery.

The new theme was not my idea. My web hosting company upgraded the software that powers this blog. The theme I was using isn’t available in this version. On the other hand, this new version is more customizable. I will tweak it a bit over the next few or several days, depending on how I’m feeling.

Ever feel like you just can’t win? Overall I’m doing OK but feeling extremely tired, no doubt at least in part due to depression.

Today I had my second session with my new therapist… only to find out she is leaving in a month. I should start looking for another one, but my case manager is leaving in three weeks, which may leave me with no way to get to therapy for a while. They apparently haven’t found a replacement case manager yet.

Things haven’t been going well with my radio repeater (which you may recall is something I maintain for others to use – I rarely if ever use it myself). The repair that I made either didn’t hold up or something else is causing the problem. I’m having trouble figuring it out. I’ve spent so much time on it the hobby has become a job and I’m suffering from burnout. It isn’t just this latest glitch. I’ve been fighting a noise problem at that site for 12 years and have just about exhausted every possible remedy. The noise means the system will never reach its full potential and will probably continue to do worse and worse over time. That makes it hard to stay motivated and enjoy the work. My finances are too tight right now to throw any more money at the problem, so I’ve just walked away to take a break from it.

The weather is starting to warm up and I would like to soon be back out hunting power line noise. I’m half way between the old tracking tools (sniffers!) and the new, better ones (super-sniffers!), with no money to continue the upgrade. That is depressing.

I really need something in my life to get excited about, but don’t have any idea where to find it right now.

I was in a rather dark place when I wrote the previous entry. It seemed like everything was falling apart. Finding myself unable to manage organization of the support group really hit me hard. Going into a total panic over something as simple as being asked to meet someone over coffee shook my self confidence to its very foundation. But there were some positive things even then. I was just not seeing them. Since then, things are starting to look up in other areas as well.

I’ve finally adapted to wearing dentures. Some readers may recall I initially reacted with extreme anxiety because my speech was severely affected and I was having trouble chewing or swallowing anything – even liquids. I put the whole process on hold for several months to let the dust settle. At the beginning of February I decided it was time to try again. I started with research on how to use denture adhesive, and found all the information was drastically different than what my dentist had told me. Subsequently I figured out how to secure them and started wearing them for a few hours every day. It has been about six weeks now, and I have learned to eat all but perhaps the more challenging foods. For example, I can easily eat such things as a sandwich with meat, cheese, lettuce, tomato, onion, etc.  I haven’t tried an apple or corn on the cob yet. Those may be tricky. My speech has improved. I’m still not entirely comfortable with it, but I have been wearing the dentures whenever I go out, even if I’ll have to do quite a bit of speaking. I have to give myself some credit for that. It wasn’t easy at first, but it is getting better. I’m wearing them about 15 hours a day now, and they no longer drive me crazy! In fact, I feel like something is missing when I don’t have them in. So I think we can call this a successful adaptation. I’m sure the speech will continue to improve as I practice.

I took  a risk. I let those involved know that I wouldn’t be attending that ham radio class because I was feeling too much pressure to dive in over my head right off the bat. I got immediate apologies from those who had (without intending to) pressed me into a panic. Hesitantly I did sit in on the first class, and have continued to so so on the second and third. The fourth is tonight. I plan to be there for it and each of the others. I was quite nervous at first, fearing someone would put me on the spot with too much pressure. But they haven’t. I’m now comfortable answering questions or helping the instructors explain something. I think that I would very much like to be an instructor next time they do one of these classes.

I had my hearing tested and guess what? My former jerk of a therapist was wrong! My problem hearing voices in a crowd is not “all in my head” so to speak. I have severe high frequency hearing loss which is known to cause that problem. I’m looking into whether there is any possibility of being able to afford a hearing aid. I really would like to be able to understand what is being said in such situations now that, for the first time in my life, I am otherwise comfortable being at such gatherings!

I have a new therapist as of yesterday. This is an experiment. I’m trying a female therapist, because I am so distrustful of men that I find it impossible to be honest about many things. I’m not sure if this is a good idea, or how it will work out. But, as they say, it has the virtue of having never been tried. They say the definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over while expecting different results. Well, in this case I’ve stopped trying the same thing over and over. The results were always the same.

I’m still pretty devastated about not getting that support group going. But it just seems like more than I can manage right now. I will give it some time and see if I feel up to trying again at a later date.

I’m a bit frustrated with some technical challenges. I ran into a problem with static discharge damaging some equipment at my radio repeater site during the upgrade in January. The system has been off the air for weeks as I work on sorting it out and repairing. I think I’m getting close to a full restoration. I’m waiting on delivery of one last part, due in on Monday the 18th. I’m also experiencing technical difficulty with my 1500 watt home built transmitter (amplifier) at my home station. It has suddenly taken to destroying a certain part that costs $80 every time I have to buy a new one. I’ve use up all the spares I had on hand and cannot afford to buy more right now. Of far greater concern is I have not been able to determine why it is repeatedly destroying that part. I’m sure I will figure it out eventually, but having that off line during the equinox (a very special season for contacts with some parts of the world) is disappointing.

The snowball is rolling down the mountain. I asked for help with one aspect of starting the anxiety support group, never suspecting the cost of that help would be too high for me. I don’t mean monetarily. I panicked and backed off.  Now, not being equipped to deal with the situation any other way I will continue to push away yet another person I would have liked to call a friend. This is why I find it nearly impossible to ask for help. It has always been the same. The cost is inevitably more than I can afford. This is also why I don’t have friends. I’m unable to be a friend.

My new therapist (as of four months ago) wasn’t a good match for me – or so I thought. I struggled to understand anything he said, always coming away with little or no idea what he meant about anything. It made me feel stupid and dragged my self esteem down. I fired him last week, but ironically now I think I know what he was trying to tell me… that I will always be isolated and lonely, that the cost of friendship will remain beyond my means. Could it be that all the while I’ve been struggling to be something more, I was instead fighting my destiny? What if I was meant to be alone and dysfunctional? Who am I to argue with what was meant to be?

Recently I thought I had found an activity that could help me move forward, or at least slow the backsliding due to winter restrictions on getting out.  Our ham radio club is offering a licensing class starting next week. I volunteered to be one of the instructors. But now, with these other failures I have lost all confidence. I have no idea what the classes are like, no idea what the curriculum is, no idea what I will be asked to do… or whether I will be able to handle it. I’m panicked and will most likely be a no show for the first class and all that follow.

As for the support group, I’m afraid that idea is dead. If I can’t handle one small request for social interaction from a person I asked for help, how can I possibly organize such a thing? It wasn’t going well even before this. The thought of all the interaction – and asking for help – required to find a meeting place was too overwhelming. I was making zero progress on it. I don’t know what made me think I could do that in the first place. I don’t know what made me think I could handle any aspect of organizing or running a group. What was I thinking? Did I really have self confidence for a brief time, or was I just being stupid and delusional? I honestly don’t know. I can’t remember what I was feeling, thinking.

With everything else falling apart, I scheduled a rare trip to the city. I thought it would be a chance to practice the more mechanical skills of living – to use a debit card and unfamiliar stores and just get some small, trivial practice with social interaction. But that wasn’t meant to be either. Yesterday I got a call from my financial institution saying they’ve had a breach of security which compromised the security of my debit card – and they need to put a block on it. I will be issued a new card, but not in time for my planned trip to the city. Maybe it’s a sign… quit trying to be something I’m not?

It has been a month now since I gave up caffeine for like the umpteenth time! To recap, caffeine relaxes me and helps me focus. I haven’t been diagnosed as such, but several people in the health care field have said it sounds like I might have attention deficit disorder. I’m trying to live without caffeine because I’m worried about other health risks. I can’t drink coffee because I have a bad physical reaction to it (apparently an allergy). I hate tea of any kind. So I’ve been getting my caffeine from diet soft drinks but the artificial sweetener and other stuff they put in there really isn’t healthy.

For the first three weeks after giving it up I got nothing done. I was all over the place trying to to ten things at once, which doesn’t work for me. The good news, however, was this time my anxiety didn’t spike as it always did before. Things have been better for the past week. I’m starting to learn my way around facebook and am getting a few friends there now. I’m loving it! Among other things it gives me a little “planned” distraction from a task. But for some reason after taking a short break and spending a minute or two on facebook, I’m able to go back to the task I was doing instead of wandering off and finding myself doing something else. It will be interesting to see if this continues.

I’m really liking facebook for other reasons too. It’s not like I can get out and go places, do things with people all the time, for a number of reasons (lack of a car topping the list). Facebook lets me get glimpses into what my friends and family members are doing. It’s great. Plus I get to share some of my daily activities.

Plans are coming together for the anxiety support group. I have written a press release and have a web site roughed out. I have a list of five potential meeting places. Now I need to go look at all of them and decide which is going to be the best.  Once I’ve made arrangements for a meeting place and decided on a time, I can set the date of the first meeting and send out the press release. I will be promoting the group in other ways also… local bulletin boards, etc.

I’m struggling a little with the meeting time. It’s a classic six of one, half dozen of the other thing! If I’m to have any chance of getting people with severe anxiety (like myself) in the door, it would have to be during normal business hours so they could come with a social worker of some kind. But that would eliminate working people, many of whom struggle with quite significant anxiety issues. I’m going to have to pick either a day or evening slot and run with it. Whichever I decide on, I will try to gauge interest in meetings at the opposite time. If there is enough interest, I would be willing to have two meetings a week – one during the day and one in the evening.

So that’s my story for today. I’m going over to facebook for a minute or two, then back to polishing up the group web site. I’ll post the URL here when I have it in a more or less presentable state.

Over the past several months, I have spent a lot of time thinking about my life. All those years I spent feeling isolated and alone with no one who really understood my anxiety issues. Many times I wished I could meet others with similar challenges. Many times I wished there was a support group for people like me. But there wasn’t. I’ve been looking at the progress I made over the past two years and can only wonder what my life might have been like if I had been able to find the kind of support I have now. One shouldn’t have to rely on the support of people who are paid to do it. People should help each other!

So I decided to do something about it. I am going to start a support group for anxiety sufferers in my community. I have talked it over with several people and am now in the early planning stages. I will post more about it as things take shape.

Has it really been that long since my last post?

I hate winter! Hate it, loathe it, despise it. There is nothing going on in my community this time of year. There are very, very few opportunities to get out and practice all the new skills I picked up over the summer or to maintain my social confidence. I got into a real depressive slump when I realized I was feeling some of that confidence slipping away. I’m feeling better now, but spend many hours pacing like a caged animal, wanting to be anything but alone and isolated.

I tried going to a “warming center” with my DLS worker. It’s really just a place for people to gather once  a week during the winter. The experience didn’t go so well. I had problems hearing what anyone said to me with all the other voices in the room. I need to get my hearing checked and see why I’m having so much trouble with that. The people seemed nice but pushed me too hard about taking part in games, etc. I just wanted to hang out and talk to people. They said that was fine but kept pushing the games. I doubt I will go back. I just wasn’t ready for that kind of pressure, especially since I don’t know how to play any of the games and wouldn’t be able to clearly hear any instruction I was given.

I’m very, very, very slowly learning my way around facebook (sort of, maybe). That thing is so confusing! If I could just get a handle on how to use it, I think I would enjoy it.

Here I am yesterday, installing a new piece of equipment at a remote radio repeater site.