The snowball is rolling down the mountain. I asked for help with one aspect of starting the anxiety support group, never suspecting the cost of that help would be too high for me. I don’t mean monetarily. I panicked and backed off. Now, not being equipped to deal with the situation any other way I will continue to push away yet another person I would have liked to call a friend. This is why I find it nearly impossible to ask for help. It has always been the same. The cost is inevitably more than I can afford. This is also why I don’t have friends. I’m unable to be a friend.
My new therapist (as of four months ago) wasn’t a good match for me – or so I thought. I struggled to understand anything he said, always coming away with little or no idea what he meant about anything. It made me feel stupid and dragged my self esteem down. I fired him last week, but ironically now I think I know what he was trying to tell me… that I will always be isolated and lonely, that the cost of friendship will remain beyond my means. Could it be that all the while I’ve been struggling to be something more, I was instead fighting my destiny? What if I was meant to be alone and dysfunctional? Who am I to argue with what was meant to be?
Recently I thought I had found an activity that could help me move forward, or at least slow the backsliding due to winter restrictions on getting out. Our ham radio club is offering a licensing class starting next week. I volunteered to be one of the instructors. But now, with these other failures I have lost all confidence. I have no idea what the classes are like, no idea what the curriculum is, no idea what I will be asked to do… or whether I will be able to handle it. I’m panicked and will most likely be a no show for the first class and all that follow.
As for the support group, I’m afraid that idea is dead. If I can’t handle one small request for social interaction from a person I asked for help, how can I possibly organize such a thing? It wasn’t going well even before this. The thought of all the interaction – and asking for help – required to find a meeting place was too overwhelming. I was making zero progress on it. I don’t know what made me think I could do that in the first place. I don’t know what made me think I could handle any aspect of organizing or running a group. What was I thinking? Did I really have self confidence for a brief time, or was I just being stupid and delusional? I honestly don’t know. I can’t remember what I was feeling, thinking.
With everything else falling apart, I scheduled a rare trip to the city. I thought it would be a chance to practice the more mechanical skills of living – to use a debit card and unfamiliar stores and just get some small, trivial practice with social interaction. But that wasn’t meant to be either. Yesterday I got a call from my financial institution saying they’ve had a breach of security which compromised the security of my debit card – and they need to put a block on it. I will be issued a new card, but not in time for my planned trip to the city. Maybe it’s a sign… quit trying to be something I’m not?
Hi Paul,
It´s been some time I checked here but by coincidence I decided to do it today and saw your most recent entry. I say by coincidence because I see you´re not doing well and I am also at a bad spot right now, after what seemed to be a phase of improvement. I´m not totally sure what happened in my case but I believe it is a conjunction of a lot of efforts giving less results than I expected, and many demanding situations happening at the same time, which makes me feel overwhelmed. Not sure this makes sense, I can´t express it very well. Anyway, I´ve been down and discouraged for a while now, and kind of powerless at doing things – I´ve been meaning to write you, for instance, but kept postponing it and probably wouldn´t be doing it now if I hadn´t seen what you wrote in this entry. I just feel very discouraged with everything. Maybe I´ll be able to write more some other time to tell you a bit more about my situation. But I think right now, in answer to your entry, there are more appropriate things to say in terms of relating them to your blog.
First, I think I understand how you feel about being a friend. I feel that as soon as I get close to people they start to put demands of me, even very positive, kind demands, that I can´t handle. They want to meet me, for instance, or talk on the phone more than I am able to, and so on, and I feel unable to be available as I believe I should or even to respond when I am expected to. But I believe that even with these shortcomings some people consider me a good friend, maybe because they just accept this aspect of my personality. I think you are and can be a good friend to people, as you are here via web and your blog to me and others. You may have an idea of what a friend is that is a bit too perfect, and I don´t believe this happens much in real life, for somebody to be a perfect friend. Every friend, even normal people without depression or anxiety, has issues and shortcomings, nobody is perfect.
As for your therapist, I dont believe that his message was the one you´re assuming it was, that you´re destined to be a certain way, or something like that. If he made you feel like that, he was really a bad therapist. Good therapists always believe a person can change and improve, we are not destined to be a certain way. In any case, either this wasn´t his message, but that´s what you got from him because he wasn´t good at helping you, or that was his message, in which case it was a very unhelpful and wrong one. In either case it seems to me he wasn´t really a good fit.
I´m not sure what to say regarding the support group. It certainly seems like a lot of work to me, and more than I personally believe I could handle, but from what I read before in your blog I believe there are many times you felt able to do it, and you may feel like that again once this bad phase is over. Give it and yourself some time. Putting this on hold doesn´t mean you can´t go back to working on it soon.
I´m not sure what I am writing is very helpful. As I said I´m feeling bad myself, and also not thinking very clearly I guess. But I wanted to leave something here in response to your entry. And also to say that you have been a good friend to me in the time I have been corresponding with you.
Best wishes and hope things get better soon,
Nadia
Hi Nadia,
I’m sorry you are in a bad spot. I completely, totally, 100% understand what you mean about feeling overwhelmed. That is, as I’m sure you know, exactly how I get into my worst slumps. I hope some of the pressures back off and that you feel better by now, or if not yet, soon!
I think I have much to offer as a friend. I am able to make myself available to talk, whether it be in person or on the phone. I really enjoy helping people with projects or whatever, and I am far more comfortable going to someone’s home now than I was in the past. The biggest stumbling block for me is that as soon as I start getting friendly with someone, they want me to meet them in public places. They want to do things like going out for coffee, or lunch, or whatever. I just totally panic and run! Even though I’ve been working on this for some time, I’m still not comfortable with it at all.
I have a new therapist as of yesterday. I’m not sure if it will turn out to be a good or bad idea, but I’m trying a female therapist this time. I’m so distrusting of men I find it impossible to open up about things.
As I’ve said before (but it bears repeating 🙂 your writing always makes sense and always helps me. Thanks for being there. I think you express yourself very well.
Very best wishes,
Paul
Hi Paul,
Thanks for your support!:)
I wanted to add a couple of things here before moving on to the next entry.
I think it´s a good idea to get a female therapist as you may feel more comfortable with her. I hope it works out for you! Of course the therapist being a female won´t guarantee she´s a good therapist, but this is something we just find out over time.
I was wondering if you ever considered being more open with people you´re becoming friends with and telling them you have a slight difficulty with being in public places, when they invite you to something like that? You can be light about it, not many details or anything. It´s true they may not react well, think you´re weird etc, but they may be more understanding than you expect. And if they don´t react well, we can just deal with it, too. I think the more I interact with people and the more open I am with them, the more I realize there are so many people who have some issues as well, or know somebody who does, so they are more understanding. And when they are not is not the end of the world, really. It´s more like, ok, so that´s where we stand, and that´s it. Just an idea, I know it may be easier said than done, especially the first times.
Going to the next entry now.
Best wishes,
Nadia
Hi Nadia,
As it turns out I will (hopefully) be looking for another therapist, as my new one is leaving on a month. But my case manager is also leaving in three weeks, and that may leave me without a way to get to therapy. It isn’t clear whether they will find a replacement case manager before she leaves.
It’s funny you should mention that. There was a time, when I was much less functional than I am now, I told everyone who entered my life about my struggle with anxiety… so they would know that I may react differently or just refuse to do some things. Somehow as I started getting better it got harder to do that, and I’m not sure why.
Best wishes,
Paul