Paul's Reality

Today I was asked whether medications, supplements, therapy or other things were used in my process of recovery. It made me realize I have never really described how Daily Living Support Services helped me. So here is a little more on that subject.

This has all been done through desensitization and practicing situations. NO medications, NO supplements. I did have a therapist during some of this time BUT that did not play any direct role and I feel I would have come just as far without it.

The process of learning to deal with any situation starts with discussing a situation that causes anxiety. Example: shopping at a particular store. If I know specifically what it is about that situation I am having problems with, it is very important for me to let my worker know that. Examples: “I’m uncomfortable in that store because I don’t know the layout and I feel I will appear stupid hunting for what I want” or “I know I will have to ask a store employee for assistance but I don’t feel comfortable with that” or “I don’t know, I just feel like I’m going to panic for no known reason.”

Then we formulate a plan based on the situation, my level of anxiety, and my needs. Sometimes it may be a big step. Example: we plan to go into the store and I am going to buy something. Other times the first step might be smaller. Example: we are going to walk into the store, stay for 10 seconds, then leave. If I’m totally freaked out about a place we might just walk by it the first time! It is all about taking steps that push my limits without going too far and creating a full blown anxiety/panic attack.

There is always a safety valve. If we are in the process of carrying out a plan and I feel the anxiety is too much or I’m starting to panic I can give my worker a sign and she will help me get out of the situation immediately. The reason for this is to prevent a runaway situation from becoming a strike against me rather than a positive experience. I have used the safety valve on many occasions.

After executing the plan the next step is to talk about how it went with my worker. Sometimes this may be immediate. Other times we may wait a few days and then talk about the experience. Or we may do both. It all depends on the situation and how I am feeling about it. The purpose of this is to process how the experience felt and decide what to do next. What was my level of anxiety? Was there anything unexpected about it that caused anxiety to be higher than I anticipated? Am I ready to try the next step? Do I need more practice on the current step? Do we need to modify the plan or go back a step? Do I need to just set this aside for a while and come back to it later?

One more thing. It is very important to get a good match of worker and client. For this to be effective, one has to be very comfortable with the worker (and vice versa to some extent, I expect). There is no escaping the fact that a good deal of emotional intimacy is involved. Usually there is a period of getting to know each other between worker and client before any work on difficult issues can begin. I was lucky. I got someone with whom all of this came easily. The most difficult thing about this for me is knowing that when our time working together is over it will be like losing a close friend. I’m just going to have to deal with that. I would not have come this far, nor even started this journey, without this invaluable help.

A friend inspired me to write a few paragraphs describing my journey. I tried to just write from the heart, and here is what resulted.

The worst…

This is how much of my life was spent! I was so afraid every time the phone rang that I would either pass out or run away from it and not answer. I stayed in my home with the door locked and drapes drawn day and night. I would have a panic attack and go into hiding if there was a knock at the door. At times I was without food, heat, or other necessities because I could not manage the human interactions necessary to get them. I was tormented day and night by fear of things to come and involuntarily re-living things from my past – mostly awkward moments when I felt I had failed in human interactions and said something that made me feel stupid. I had no hope that things would ever be truly better. I felt I had nothing at all to offer any other person, that I was but a useless drain on the resources of the world.

The transition, phase one…

Born of crisis resulting in new opportunities, this was a time of great variability but with an underlying trend of agonizingly slow progress. There were many small steps that, while significant, did not really feel like life altering progress at the time. Gradually I learned to be open and honest with another human being about exactly what made me feel uncomfortable in specific situations. That was absolutely vital, as without it progress would not have come. I became able to walk into stores, use a debit card, sometimes pick up the phone if I knew who was calling and what they wanted, sometimes answer a knock at the door. Later I would come to realize these small steps were more important than they seemed. Every tiny success chipped away at the foundation of my virtual prison.

The transition, phase two…

This was a time of great upheaval, of redefining my sense of self and long held beliefs. Progress was greatly accelerated, but with a period of being totally overwhelmed intervening right in the middle of things. This phase of recovery began when I was thrown into a situation that seemed devastating and overwhelming at first, but which soon led to finding a new passion in life, while at the same time building self confidence and a sense of self worth. I suddenly became able to go out into public view and interact with many strangers. This was difficult at first but soon became easy and even desired. I became able to make outgoing business calls with ease and even stand my ground when fighting for my rights. I began to take basic skills and concepts I had gained in phase one and apply them to new and different situations. That felt great! Finally something that really felt like progress and real change! Interacting with others became easier. Written communication gave way to new preferred methods: talking on the phone or in person.

On the other side…

In a way, phase two of recovery is still in progress, as it may be for some time to come. But at the present stage I feel I am finally on my way.

Looking back I can scarcely believe how far I have come. I answer the phone whether I know who is calling or not. I look forward to it ringing because I get to talk to someone! I trust myself to deal with whatever the person may want. I eagerly answer knocks at the door. Most of the torment from what now seem trivial social blunders of the past has vanished. When I stumble now I recover much more quickly. I have discovered a passion and apparent natural ability for public speaking! I actively seek opportunities to do it! While still somewhat guarded and needing to choose opportunities carefully, I want to go out and be around people. In fact I have a burning desire for it. I start every day by checking local media for upcoming events or things of interest I might try to participate in. I have a sense of self worth and purpose. I wish to help others and have identified two areas in which I feel I have something to offer. Correction: I KNOW I have something to offer! What a radical change that is for me! I am determined to find ways to make a difference. I know what I want to do with my life and I believe I can make it happen!

I am faced with financial challenges and remaining barriers to getting where I want to be. At times I am fearful of the road ahead, passing through so much unknown territory. What if I fall or lose my way? But despite that I am relatively happy and upbeat. As the walls of my anxiety prison continue to crumble around me, I feel a sense of empowerment, courage, and confidence ever building within.

Well, almost. I am chronically tired, maybe in part because I am tapering off caffeine (again). But aside from that annoyance, I feel absolutely great!

I am continuing to manage incoming and outgoing phone calls with ease. I like talking to friends on the phone. Business calls, while not fun, remain quite manageable. After more than 40 years not being able to deal with phone calls, even in the best times, this is quite remarkable. In about a week I’m getting a long distance plan so I can call friends out of state without spending an arm and a leg. Woo-hoo! Yee-haa! I’m looking forward to chatting with friends on the phone more. What?! Was that me saying that?

I am continuing to routinely shop at several stores, continuing to explore using a debit card at more places, and even when things don’t go quite right it doesn’t send me into a panic. Today was a good example of that. I tried to use an ATM but it refused to read my card. I got really nervous about it because there were people standing nearby, but it didn’t end my day with a panic attack and giving up. I went to plan B. I would just use the card for my shopping today. When I tried to pay at the first store, the machine said incorrect PIN! What? I was sure I entered it right. Anyway I asked the clerk to process it as a credit transaction instead, which worked fine. Not to be slowed down, I went to another store and again tried using the card as debit. This time it worked fine. I came home feeling a sense of satisfaction at having beaten adversity. That is just so completely opposite what my life has always been!

I still have financial stress, but I just keep telling myself I will find a way out and that seems to be working now. While it is often on my mind, I’m not constantly stressing over it.

For the first time in my life I am feeling there might be jobs out there I could manage, if things keep going this well. Not every job, but some, maybe.

I seriously want to find more public speaking engagements of some sort! But where? Boy, if only I could make a living doing that! How awesome would that be?

People have suggested several times I should write a book about anxiety. I laughed! But you know, if things keep going this well and I keep getting better, maybe I do have a story to tell? I’m not sure anyone would buy it, but I just might try writing that book.  Freaky.

I remain excited about life and look forward to continued expansion of my horizons. Whoa… this is really radical stuff! 🙂

Today I am posting a letter I sent to friends this holiday season.  I think this sums up a lot of what is going on and how I feel right now.

Dear friends:

I know some of you are having a tough time right now. I hope you know I’m here if you need me. I’m not doing a good job of keeping in touch lately but I am always ready and willing to listen.

I understand some of you may not be able to read this entire letter, as it is very long. That’s OK! Please don’t feel you must. Read it if you can and if you want to. I will try to describe what is happening with me and why I have been so quiet.

I am going through a time of great change, self discovery, and self realization. This is a very emotional and consuming process. But it does not mean I have forgotten my friends. I think of you every day. Perhaps I am struggling to keep in touch because in many ways I am not the person you came to know. I am changing in ways I could never have imagined just a few short months ago. If I’m to be completely honest, I worry that those who came to know me during a time of great challenge and darkness may not want to hear from the new me.

I’ve been working on Christmas cards for the past couple of mornings. I’m painfully slow at it, as I struggle with the wording of each one – and often end up writing less than I really would like to. Of course I have “help”, and a couple of cards even got “signed” with an imprint of some very sharp feline teeth. 🙂

Life is busy. My time with my DLS worker these days is mostly spent dining out (imagine that!?!?) and working on improving my diet. The arrival of winter caught me unprepared and I’ve been walking to town on average twice a day (around 8 miles total) catching up on things. Of course, there has been snow to be shoveled.

Boo recently had an incident that greatly messed with me emotionally. I won’t go into detail as I’m afraid it may be too upsetting to some of you. I’ll just say that I thought I was going to lose him in a way particularly horrifying to me.

I’m stressed about finances. This has been a very expensive year with unexpected expenses seemingly everywhere. Money is very tight right now and we’re at the start of a long heating season that’s sure to be one of the most expensive ever. I’ve been selling ham radio parts for extra income, but before Spring I think some of my equipment that has been in daily use will need to go as well. Perhaps it’s for the best but it isn’t an easy decision.

The struggle between transportation and housing continues and is, if anything, gaining momentum. More and more it appears I may have to get a vehicle and abandon work on the house, at least until and unless I become able to work and earn enough to do both.

Despite these things I am doing great. I remain more functional than I have ever been and continue to see steady improvement. I am filled with new confidence and hope. I no longer retreat and shut down at the suggestion of trying new things or that I may one day be in a much better place than I am now. Instead I can envision these things as being possible and achievable. I look forward to trying and believe that I can succeed. I start every day by checking local media for potential opportunities to do something new, to stretch myself and further expand my horizons. Unfortunately I find very few since I live in a small town with very little happening this time of year.

I am struggling to redefine and come to terms with some core beliefs I was raised with. I finally understand my low self esteem throughout life has been, at least in some significant measure, about my adoption and interpretation of certain ideas that were instilled in me as a child. I was literally incapable of feeling good about myself because I believed it was evil to do so; that if I felt good about myself, that was evidence that in fact I was a bad person. Perhaps I misunderstood or put too much weight on certain things. Perhaps not. Whatever the case, I am trying to accept that just because something was passed down to me by previous generations does not mean that it is absolutely right or above scrutiny. I claim the right to explore these things and to define for myself what is right or wrong, acceptable or unacceptable, good or or bad, particularly as it relates to my concept and acceptance of self. This is not an easy process.

I have begun to contemplate ways I can use my struggle, my story, my current and future progress to help others. Increasingly the Yahoo depression/anxiety group doesn’t feel like the best medium to do that. I feel I want to work with or support others dealing with similar struggles face to face. I don’t know how yet. Perhaps there is some role for me in speaking to groups about it, since I’ve recently found a passion for public speaking. I honestly don’t know. This is another area to be explored.

As I have struggled with anxiety, depression, panic, and low self esteem throughout my life, written communication has always been preferred and very often the only method that worked at all. Now I am finding quite the opposite. The more progress I make, the easier it becomes to talk in person or on the phone. At the same time, writing seems more clumsy, less desirable as a means of communicating. Recently I have had a number of most enjoyable phone conversations with ham radio friends who I formerly only communicated with by email. On the radio I have begun using voice modes as a means of communicating in addition to my old, comfortable fall-back, Morse code.

Should any of my friends wish to have my phone number, just send me a note and I will give it to you. You would certainly be welcome to call me. Currently, I don’t have long distance service so outgoing calls are a problem. I need to do something about that. I dumped my long distance carrier some time ago as a cost saving measure, since there was a monthly charge even if I didn’t make any calls. I need to do some research on this and find a long distance plan I can afford.

I feel as though I don’t know who I am any more. I am no longer defined entirely by my illness, which means I need to define myself in other ways. I have begun the process of discovering who I really am. What an incredible journey!

I am not cured. I am certainly not 100% of what I want to be. There are still many things I struggle with that most people do with ease and take for granted. I will be a work in progress for some time, if not for the rest of my life. But I am better. I feel I am finally on my way. I have many people to thank for that, including all of you, my dear friends.

Very best wishes and Happy Holidays,
Paul

Once again, it has been a while since my last post. Life has been comparatively busy and continues to go very well!

I did the second part of my presentation to the local radio club as planned. It ran about 40 minutes, similar to the first part. Again it was very well received and I thoroughly enjoyed it! I was asked to give a presentation on the same topic for a different club, an opportunity I eagerly accepted. I had to combine and shorten it to under 60 minutes. I was a bit nervous about this. I had never been to a meeting of that club before, and didn’t know most of the people. It went exceptionally well and once again, was a lot of fun! I enjoy public speaking! Imagine that!?

I dined at a restaurant with my DLS worker twice. The first time I had a bit of an incident. I hadn’t completely understood some of the options the waitperson had given on a food choice, and my blundering response made it clear I hadn’t understood this simple thing. I had serious sleep and thought disruption in the days that followed, and it was eroding my newly found confidence in other areas. I decided this needed to be dealt with. The only potential solution was also a risk: go back and repeat the experience. The second time went without a hitch, and there have been no repercussions.

I have been looking for opportunities to try new things and continue the progress I have been making. There isn’t much going on this time of year, so opportunities are somewhat limited. I went to a bake sale being held by a local organization as a fund raiser. This was the first time in my life that I managed to do something like that alone. I had only done it a couple of times with someone else. The last time was nearly 20 years ago and I was on the verge of outright panic even though not alone. While it may seem a very simple thing, doing this on my own was a major accomplishment and milestone for me!

I have begun using a debit card at stores where I have not previously done so. I have not sought nor required support with this. I’m doing it on my own.

I have had several phone conversations with friends, as well as outgoing business calls. I have been answering calls from private numbers (no caller ID) instead of letting the machine pick up to see who it is. I have also been talking on the ham radio using voice instead of Morse code. These are all things I wouldn’t have dreamed of doing a few months ago. I might have had nightmares about them, but didn’t dream I would be doing them!

Oh yes… and I managed to lose 20 pounds! I feel great!

I have been reflecting on the almost unprecedented successes of the past couple of weeks, and on the longer term success with my efforts to alleviate power line noise to my ham radio hobby. This summer had its ups and downs, to be sure. Stresses were higher than usual and I will be the first to admit I didn’t handle some of them well. Yet through it all I felt confidence building. From the first very shaky communications with the power company, each one got easier. That stands in sharp contrast to how it has traditionally worked with me. Now it is almost without stress than I pick up the phone to make a call related to that ongoing process. I cannot explain why this particular thing is going so well. It just is.

But it doesn’t end there. As I was preparing my presentation for the club meeting last week, there was none of the expected anxiety. There was instead eager anticipation. I was looking forward to it! Why? Two words come to mind: passion and confidence. I have always been passionate about ham radio, but I have recently found an even greater passion for hunting power line noise and the broader subject of radio frequency interference in any form. It goes beyond motivated self interest. I have a strong desire to help others in these areas, which is why I suggested the formation of a committee for that purpose which I now chair. Confidence comes from hundreds of hours doing research and a sense that I know the subject matter – at least at a level equal to or greater than I could possibly cover in any presentation of practical length.

But it goes beyond even that. As I pick up the phone to make other, unrelated calls, I feel a sense of confidence that was never there before. In that moment when in the past would have had a panic attack, I instead feel the sense that “I can do this. I’ve made those many calls to the power company. This may be different. It may be more scary because it is unfamiliar, but I can do this too.”

I feel it everywhere, in everything I do. I am communicating my feelings and needs better. I am picking up the pace of working on new skills and experiences with my DLS worker and not feeling overwhelmed. Obviously I still have a long way to go but the mountain I have to climb looks less like Mount Everest and more like a long gentle slope. I am excited about life! I am eager to try new things, within reason. I haven’t felt that in many, many years.

So just how much does confidence enter into it? I have long had the sense my struggle was, at least in some considerable measure, largely due to a chronic lack of it. I never felt I had the skills or intelligence to handle everyday situations; consequently I panicked and suffered unrelenting anxiety over every little thing. The presentation stands out as that thing which, of all recent successes, was the most improved over past attempts. It also stands out as being the thing I had the most confidence about. Everywhere else there is some newly discovered sense of confidence but to a lesser extent – and the level of anxiety clearly seems inversely proportional to confidence.

Oddly, shortly after returning home (see my previous post), things took a 180 degree turn.

I had been struggling for some time with the problem of getting my hair cut. Gone are the days I could easily get to a traditional barber shop, the closest being 25 miles from my home. I needed to try a new place, and the only options available would be hair salons that happen to do both men and womens hair. I was extremely uneasy about calling or going in to check the place out. On Thursday, week before last, I stopped by to check it out with my DLS worker, but it was lunch hour and the place was closed. Still, I did get a look at the outside and a partial view of the interior through the glass door.

Coincidentally, that same day I was asked about giving a presentation about hunting and resolving power line noise (see this post) at the ham radio club meeting the following Monday. Egad! I felt I was up to doing that, but I really wanted to get my hair cut before being seen by everyone there!

Amazing thing #1… That Thursday afternoon I called the salon (on my own) to inquire about the possibility of getting my hair cut prior to Monday evening. They said they were booked, but they did take walk-ins from 9 to 12 on Saturday. The problem was, the forecast called for heavy rain Saturday.

Amazing thing #2… Friday I called Ben on the ham radio and asked if he could take me into town Saturday morning. If you have read prior posts you know how much difficulty I have asking for help. He said yes.

Amazing thing #3… I walked in Saturday morning and got my hair cut, without too much stress from the whole thing.

Amazing thing #4… aka Totally unbelievable thing #1… Monday night I stood up in front of about 25 people, some of whom I don’t know at all, and talked for 40 minutes about power line noise. And… I thoroughly enjoyed it!? I received numerous compliments on my presentation after the meeting.

Amazing thing #5… aka Totally unbelievable thing #2 and/or Incredible shock #1… The next morning I found myself seriously wishing some other clubs in the area would ask me to come to one of their meetings and give my presentation. I had so much fun I wanted to do it again!

Amazing thing #6… Thursday I called my case manager at her office. That was a first for me.

Amazing thing #7… Thursday I called our local official in charge of open burn permits to see about getting permission to burn some brush that afternoon. I got a green light and spent the afternoon and evening burning brush that has been collecting in a pile for many years. This (hopefully) will be an ongoing project, as I only got about 10% of it on that first day. It is a huge pile, and brush must be dragged about 200 feet out into the open before burning.

My presentation was split into two parts because it is a complex subject that cannot really be covered in the time allotted at any one meeting. Part 2 is scheduled for the November 26 meeting. I am looking forward to it!

I’m not sure how or why things are going so amazingly well all of a sudden, but I like it! I’m trying to find ways to keep the momentum going.

In my last post, nearly two months ago, I wondered if the struggle I had just been through was the bottom. I am here today to say it definitely was not! Shortly after making that post, the bottom dropped out… or as I like to say “the stinky stuff hit the rotary air mover”, if you know what I mean. 🙂

I was still reeling from the events of the summer when I was descended upon by the tyrannical census bureau. They send out letters saying they are conducting a survey, and that response is optional. But they give you no way to opt out. There is no option to complete the survey by mail or on the web, and they will not tell you what questions they plan to ask in advance. In addition to going into total panic, I have a ethical issues with completing surveys like that. What they fail to understand is that people who panic easily may give erroneous answers without intending to. They are so worried about degrading the integrity of their precious data if a few people refuse to answer, but they cannot see the potential for wrong answers contaminating the data just as much. I find that incredibly short sighted.

So I had a complete stranger coming to the door and calling constantly. At a better time I might have attempted to deal with this in some other way, but coming when it did I went totally into shutdown. I could not sleep. I could not eat. I could barely breathe through the panic I felt just being in my own home. I felt hunted by a predator. On top of this I had friends (acquaintances?) coming to the door often for various reasons, which also totally panicked me. There is no way I can see who is at the door or what car might be in the driveway without actually going to the door. This is a bad setup for me but the layout of the house makes it very difficult to do anything about it.

Things got so bad I grabbed a tent and took off. Living on the edge of a small, somewhat isolated town allowed me to find a spot to camp not far from home. Still, everything was a challenge. I had to walk more than three miles (each way) to get to town for supplies. I had to come home and hide out just prior to appointments with my DLS worker and case manager. Things were just ugly. I’m not going to write too many details about this experience, as I am trying to move on and put it behind me.

Eventually my case manager stomped on (not literally! 🙂 the person from the census bureau and they stopped bothering me. But it took several weeks to calm down enough to come home.  This is the major reason I am so delinquent on making posts here.

Bottom, I mean. It has been an emotionally rough week, but things may be starting to turn in a positive direction.

Monday…

The crisis worker and case manager arrived on schedule. We had a productive meeting with the crisis worker helping me explain the missed meetings the week before and that trying to do too much at once is overwhelming, not motivating. The end result is we wiped the slate clean as much as possible and started over.  Because I have so much trouble asking for help or communicating my needs, we implemented a new system. I have a notebook on my desk that is to serve as a communications tool. I am supposed to write down what I need to communicate. My case manager and DLS worker are to check it when they come in.

I managed to step outside briefly during the afternoon, which probably was a mistake. Ben (vice president of the local ham radio club) stopped by to ask if I wanted a ride to the club meeting that evening. That pretty much panicked me and I told it like it is… there was no way I could attend because my anxiety had gone through the roof and I had been nearly housebound. The brief conversation that followed started a whole new dilemma, which I will write about in a separate entry later.

Tuesday…

I was freaked out about meeting with my DLS worker after not having seen her for two weeks. I felt she should know I had been in crisis but I hadn’t been able to put anything about that in the log book. I knew she was aware of the log but since it is new to all of us I wasn’t sure if she would remember to check it. I was up all night and poor Boo had to reprimand me for nervous pacing several times. Not that it does any good. He is probably convinced humans are so incredibly stupid it is a wonder they know how to breathe!

As it turns out she had talked to my new case manager and knew that I had been in crisis, but no details. That was enough to break the ice and I was able to fill in the relevant blanks. She did ask about the log just prior to leaving. Only then did I realize I had unconsciously moved it from the agreed upon location!

Meanwhile I had managed to verbally communicate some of the errands I was so delinquent on. We went out to do them, and while I may have appeared calm on the outside, I was shaking like a leaf in a storm on the inside! I stumbled and nearly fell several times (from being weak and shaky) but did not have any outright panic attacks.

Wednesday…

I went out with my DLS worker to clean up some errands that didn’t get done the day before and get some items I had completely forgotten. Once again I was borderline but managed to get through it without major incident.

She evidently forgot about the log but remembered on the way home. When we arrived back here she picked it up and my heart positively stopped beating! Total panic! I seriously thought I might die then and there. I apparently went into a rapid, almost running pace. Boo rescued the situation with a firm slap on the ankle and a harsh yell “Stop that!” which got both of us laughing. We formulated a game plan for next week based on entries in my communication log.

Somewhere on one of those two days we had a really good laugh at Boo’s expense. We were talking about some of the current issues. Boo had been asking for his noon meal but I was only half aware of it. He decided it was time to put the request across more firmly… in the form of a sneak attack on my leg! He never breaks the skin. The claws are out just enough to be clearly felt. Being so nervous I flinched more than usual, which in turn startled Boo. He went two feet straight into the air. When he came down, he moved off a few feet, his fur all fluffed up and body leaning to one side (away from me), eyes taking up most of his face with a shocked and incredulous look that said “Geez! What does a guy have to go through to get some food around here?!” Words cannot describe it. The look was hilarious!

Wednesday afternoon through Friday evening I spent most of my time sleeping. I was so behind on sleep and totally exhausted.

It’s Saturday now and I am trying to focus on a project. I can’t recall if I mentioned this in a previous entry. I am assisting a proprietor with redesign and testing of a unit designed to hunt for sparking on power lines that can be the source of radio noise. The device is an ultrasound receiver with a parabolic dish to collect the very weak sound of small sparks at a distance. It is a fun project.

In my August 14 post I said things then were about as bad as it gets. Who did I think I was kidding? Things are getting just plain ugly now. When I started this blog I said I would be honest about my life. Well here is a glimpse into what it is like when pressure builds, anxiety becomes extreme, frequently crossing the line to outright panic, and my ability to function crashes.

I haven’t been able to be outside the house on my own in over two weeks. I’m out of just about everything. The house smells musty and disgusting because I haven’t been able to open a window to air it out all summer. The dishes are permanently greasy for lack of detergent to wash them. Water alone just doesn’t cut it after a few washes. My clothes are getting stiff and don’t look all that clean for lack of detergent. The grass is more than a foot tall because I have no gas for the mower and wouldn’t be able to go outside to cut it anyway. I will spare you some of the details but the list goes on and on and on. Any household supply you can think of that most people use every day, I am surely out of. I am improvising or making do without. I may have a roof over my head but life is more like roughing it at a primitive campsite than living in a home. I should have my DLS worker back this week so I have someone to do errands with me. Hopefully that will make the difference and I will be able to function well enough to catch up at least partly.

A week and a half ago I had a nearly disastrous first meeting with my new case manager. I apparently failed to explain that when I’m already so overwhelmed I’m essentially paralized and housebound is not the time to make major decisions that add new sources of pressure and anxiety. Four major decisions were made during that meeting. I felt pressured to make one of them even after I said now isn’t the time to add that kind of stress. The others I just caved in without an argument. That is one of my problems. I fail to stand up for myself and say no often enough. Afterward anxiety spiked until it became absolute panic. I was lucky. Somewhere in all that emotional devastation I was able to connect with adult crisis services. They came to my rescue by providing food and by taking action to reduce one source of anxiety.

But that wasn’t the end of it. I stayed out of absolute panic for a couple of days, then right back to the bottom fearing the next meeting with the new case manager. Despite being desperate and at wit’s end trying to cope with that and keep the services that brought me so far in the past two years, I missed that meeting due to panic. I missed the next meeting also. Once again at the brink of disaster I somehow managed to connect with crisis services. They came to my aid again, taking steps to ensure I won’t lose case management and daily living support services due to missed appointments without notice. A crisis worker is scheduled to come out tomorrow to mediate a meeting between myself and the case manager.  Hopefully we can find a solution that works for everyone; something that will get me out of the crippling rut I am now in rather than making it deeper, and then move forward at a pace I can handle. I do need to push myself and I do need to make changes – but they have to come at an appropriate pace. I need the new case manager to “get” that.