Concentrating on The Positive

I was in a rather dark place when I wrote the previous entry. It seemed like everything was falling apart. Finding myself unable to manage organization of the support group really hit me hard. Going into a total panic over something as simple as being asked to meet someone over coffee shook my self confidence to its very foundation. But there were some positive things even then. I was just not seeing them. Since then, things are starting to look up in other areas as well.

I’ve finally adapted to wearing dentures. Some readers may recall I initially reacted with extreme anxiety because my speech was severely affected and I was having trouble chewing or swallowing anything – even liquids. I put the whole process on hold for several months to let the dust settle. At the beginning of February I decided it was time to try again. I started with research on how to use denture adhesive, and found all the information was drastically different than what my dentist had told me. Subsequently I figured out how to secure them and started wearing them for a few hours every day. It has been about six weeks now, and I have learned to eat all but perhaps the more challenging foods. For example, I can easily eat such things as a sandwich with meat, cheese, lettuce, tomato, onion, etc.  I haven’t tried an apple or corn on the cob yet. Those may be tricky. My speech has improved. I’m still not entirely comfortable with it, but I have been wearing the dentures whenever I go out, even if I’ll have to do quite a bit of speaking. I have to give myself some credit for that. It wasn’t easy at first, but it is getting better. I’m wearing them about 15 hours a day now, and they no longer drive me crazy! In fact, I feel like something is missing when I don’t have them in. So I think we can call this a successful adaptation. I’m sure the speech will continue to improve as I practice.

I took  a risk. I let those involved know that I wouldn’t be attending that ham radio class because I was feeling too much pressure to dive in over my head right off the bat. I got immediate apologies from those who had (without intending to) pressed me into a panic. Hesitantly I did sit in on the first class, and have continued to so so on the second and third. The fourth is tonight. I plan to be there for it and each of the others. I was quite nervous at first, fearing someone would put me on the spot with too much pressure. But they haven’t. I’m now comfortable answering questions or helping the instructors explain something. I think that I would very much like to be an instructor next time they do one of these classes.

I had my hearing tested and guess what? My former jerk of a therapist was wrong! My problem hearing voices in a crowd is not “all in my head” so to speak. I have severe high frequency hearing loss which is known to cause that problem. I’m looking into whether there is any possibility of being able to afford a hearing aid. I really would like to be able to understand what is being said in such situations now that, for the first time in my life, I am otherwise comfortable being at such gatherings!

I have a new therapist as of yesterday. This is an experiment. I’m trying a female therapist, because I am so distrustful of men that I find it impossible to be honest about many things. I’m not sure if this is a good idea, or how it will work out. But, as they say, it has the virtue of having never been tried. They say the definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over while expecting different results. Well, in this case I’ve stopped trying the same thing over and over. The results were always the same.

I’m still pretty devastated about not getting that support group going. But it just seems like more than I can manage right now. I will give it some time and see if I feel up to trying again at a later date.

I’m a bit frustrated with some technical challenges. I ran into a problem with static discharge damaging some equipment at my radio repeater site during the upgrade in January. The system has been off the air for weeks as I work on sorting it out and repairing. I think I’m getting close to a full restoration. I’m waiting on delivery of one last part, due in on Monday the 18th. I’m also experiencing technical difficulty with my 1500 watt home built transmitter (amplifier) at my home station. It has suddenly taken to destroying a certain part that costs $80 every time I have to buy a new one. I’ve use up all the spares I had on hand and cannot afford to buy more right now. Of far greater concern is I have not been able to determine why it is repeatedly destroying that part. I’m sure I will figure it out eventually, but having that off line during the equinox (a very special season for contacts with some parts of the world) is disappointing.