Paul's Reality

I’m so distressed by trying to use the phone that I almost always end up unconscious on the floor if I attempt to make a call. I freak out in many stores (used to be all stores, but have made some considerable progress). I’m terrified of social situations and avoid most like the plague. And yet…

A week ago I was asked if I would be willing (and able) to give a talk on ham radio in the 1920’s at the next club meeting. I said sure, sounds like fun! How is it that I can get up and talk in front of a group like this, but virtually every social situation terrifies me? A great many people have phobias about public speaking, yet it is one of the few things that don’t terrify and terrorize me. 1920’s radio is a new interest which I am deeply “into” at the moment.

I had only a week to prepare, which meant burning the midnight oil putting finishing touches on a piece of 1929 radio gear I had recently built, deciding what I wanted to say and making an outline, researching a few points to be sure I had my facts straight, locating audio files to demonstrate what radio sounded like back then, and resurrecting a long dead laptop which I planned to use to play those audio samples. My days are completely filled with feverish work trying to get this place ready for winter. Fortunately, I can’t sleep well lately anyway.

Everything was ready in time. Last night I gave my talk at the meeting. It was only about 20 minutes, because wouldn’t you know the laptop died (again). I was deeply disappointed at not being able to play the sound files, but otherwise the talk went well and was low stress. I had several questions and lots of interest in my project after the meeting was over.

How enigmatic am I? Upon learning of my plan to do this, my daily living support worker suggested (jestfully) that I am really strange. To which I replied “You’re just figuring that out, after a year and a half?” It was a light moment. I enjoy that sort of banter with people I know well enough to be comfortable. When you think about it, that’s not the only thing strange here. Given my extreme anxiety about talking to people, it is more than a bit peculiar I chose a hobby that is all about communications!

It has been a while since my last post. The days have all run together and I can barely tell them from nights except that I assume it’s night when it gets dark outside. I have been in a state of extreme anxiety with many panic attacks. It is often a struggle just to breathe. I feel like a band is being tightened around my chest. My stomach is constantly upset. My muscles are tense and painful, leading to injury if I move the wrong way.

I have found no way to get more materials for my renovation project, despite my best efforts. I simply cannot do this on my own and it does not fit into my current support system well. Some of my  materials were damaged by the last rain. I have no place to put them except outside under a tarp, which of course started leaking. It is all very frustrating but I knew the risks. I understood attempting to do a project such as this without a solid support system for obtaining materials was a gamble. If one is going to gamble, one had better be prepared for the possibility of losing.

With the full mouth extraction coming up in just two weeks (October 11) I am all but out of time for projects. Anxiety about that procedure and the aftermath is growing rapidly.

But mostly I have been having trouble trying to process and implement the offer of help from friends. Sadly I have realized my life will continue to be lived crisis to crisis if I don’t develop a system of “natural supports”. But asking for help is nearly impossible for me. Any attempt to do so results in severe panic attacks. I wasn’t sure just how serious this offer really was, and knew that I needed to discuss it further and get all the cards on the table so to speak if I was to have any chance of this plan working. But though I tried to compose an email asking for a meeting to go over it in more detail, I failed over and over again. Days were turning into weeks and I was making no progress.

Finally there was a shift in the dynamics. On a particular day when I felt, having discussed the matter with an internet friend, that I was about to succeed in sending the email, I mentioned to Ben in a chance two way radio conversation that I would soon be emailing him about “another matter”. Then when I tried to do it, I panicked again! By that time I was getting very depressed about these failures. I got an email from Ben the next day, asking what had happened to the email he was expecting from me. That was a fortunate break in that somehow I was able to reply to that and explain that I needed help and also needed to discuss things further regarding this generous offer.

The short version of the story is that by some miracle I was able to sit down and talk to him about my life and current problems in some detail. Following that, one of the important things I have been stressing over and unable to deal with all summer has been taken care of. Another is scheduled for October 12. Clearly that won’t be an ideal day for me, but Ben has promised to be here to handle the talking.

My home is not in a “winter ready” state and I must try to improvise solutions based on whatever materials I currently have. There is probably not enough time but I want to get as much of that done as possible prior to the full mouth extraction. I don’t know how long I will be “down” following that and will be very stressed dealing with everything for a while thereafter.

I am utterly and completely exhausted, both mentally and physically. I need to be working. I need to do errands. But I’m just too tired to move.

Boo saw the vet Wednesday. This time, upon my suggestion they check his back (vs. neck), they discovered he did have fleas. I already knew that, since I’d seen live fleas on him several times. He has been and will continue to be treated for fleas. About a third of his back and part of his side were shaved to aid healing. I need to clean the house and spray the entire place to eliminate any indoor flea population.

I spent Wednesday afternoon and evening organizing and de-cluttering in preparation. Thursday morning I started ripping that ancient carpet out of the living room. The job took until well past midnight. Every piece of furniture had to be moved, a section of carpet cut away where it was, the floor vacuumed (I’ve never seen so much fine powdery dust in my life), and washed, then the item put back in its original spot. It’s not just living room furniture in here right now. There are also two heavily loaded tall cabinets, a large power tool storage rack, and other items from the storage room I’m renovating crammed in here. This was the only possible place to put that stuff during the project! The heavy items had to be coerced into allowing teflon furniture glides to go under each corner, then maneuvered as needed. Suffice to say it was a long, tedious job shuffling things around.

Today (Friday) I did a little more picking up, some much needed dusting (thanks to carpet removal) and then just ground to a halt. I will get nothing more accomplished this day. Tomorrow I hope to move Boo to one of the storage sheds for the day so I can spray the house.

Earlier in the week the replacement case manager called while I was outside working. Despite my best effort, I was not able to return the call. Fortunately she called again this morning. We set up an initial meeting for a week from today.

I’ve been thinking a lot about Ben’s suggestion about relying on friends for support, but I am paralyzed by apprehension. The matter needs further discussion to be viable, but I have been unable to make myself email him to see if he is willing to do that. I won’t go into much detail at this time, since this blog is readily available to my ham radio friends (a term I’m still struggling with) and they may be reading. All I can do is keep trying to find the strength to explore the offer further.

On the way to the city (see previous post), Ben asked if I might consider selling my radio repeater to the club with the idea they would support it financially while I would continue to look after it and do whatever maintenance is required. This comes less than a month after I turned down a club offer to purchase a badly needed new antenna for it. Unfortunately the new proposal makes little more sense than the first. I’m unwilling to accept financial support for the system or enter into long term support agreements because I’m not certain where I will be or what my lifestyle will be in the not too distant future. Not to mention maintaining the repeater has often been a source of intense anxiety, even in some cases leading to outright crisis. It’s virtually impossible to work at that site without having an audience, which is bad enough. But moreover, landowner relations and occasional interference issues between other radio systems at the site have created immeasurable problems for me.

Having recently taken ownership of the home in which I live, giving it up is the very last thing I want to do! For the first time in my life I’m able to exercise real control over my home environment and make certain it is a place of safety and comfort. This place also (if somewhat marginally) supports my chief distraction and relaxation, that being my radio hobby. Yet there is the specter of being forced to move into some form of assisted living or at the very least an apartment where most everything is taken care of. In order to stay here, I need to either make major gains in the things I am able to do and the consistency with which I do them, or develop a long term support system to fill the gaps. On the other hand the alternate housing options bring unspeakable horrors. I think I can reasonably predict my overall mental state will deteriorate rapidly due to constant anxiety if I am forced to chose either of those options.

Ben suggests that my ham radio friends (I still have difficulty with that term since I’m not socially involved with these people to a level that in my mind supports that definition) may be willing to be that ongoing support system after case management and daily living support services end. I don’t feel I know these people well enough to ask for that level of support from them. Nor do I feel deserving. What do I offer in return? I don’t know how to broach the subject. It isn’t likely I would be able to approach these people and ask if they would help me survive in my current environment, filling the important gaps when I fail. Although all are somewhat aware of my issues (I’ve made no secret of it) I can’t help feeling they have no idea about the exact nature of my struggles. Do they know it is often the inability to make a phone call that land me in crisis? Or repeated failure to purchase critical goods or services?

The idea is not without merit. Unless I make a lot more progress in whatever time remains with current services, such a system of “natural supports” is exactly what I need to remain here and continue to enjoy relative freedom and a comfortable home environment. The truth is I am very interested in developing such a system but don’t know how to approach people about it or how to suppress the guilt that would arise from feeling undeserving. Actually, I’m interested in taking it a step further. I would like nothing better than to get out more, be around these people more, be more involved in activities. In essence, to have real friends, people to spend time with, do things with. There would have to be certain limits on activities, since some things will cause crushing anxiety and panic, which in turn lead to decreases in overall function. It is a vicious cycle.

It is something to think about. In fact, I can’t stop thinking about it. I wish I knew how to bring the subject up for discussion with each of them, how to explain the major obstacles to successful independent living, how to gauge their desire to help.

I’m a little behind on posts since I’ve been putting in so many exhausting hours on my project. I’m taking part or most of today off because my body is near its limit from unaccustomed physical activity and after-affects of multiple panic attacks. It has been an eventful week with both successes and failures.

Thursday I got a call from the agency I get case management and daily living support services from, to let me know my request for change of case manager was being processed. I should be getting a call from the new case manager sometime this week.

Friday I decided to put it all on the line in order to get more materials for my project. I needed some lumber as well as small items, which would mean asking for what I wanted and arranging to have them deliver it. On the first trip to town I had multiple panic attacks and finally aborted with nothing accomplished. After settling down somewhat I tried again with similar results. Realizing that without new materials I would be at a full stop within days, and most of my upcoming time with workers was already filled, I made a third attempt. Again I had panic attacks, some resulting in collecting myself from the gravel, grass, and/or bushes. I had one bad panic attack in the store, but fortunately it occurred while I was choosing small items and in a back corner where no one noticed. I got my small items. At checkout I managed to mumble that I needed some lumber too. I immediately felt another panic attack coming on and knew this one would surely go fully cycle, so I limited my request to two items and fled the scene. A partial success, but at a high price. Having panic attacks at that store only makes them more likely the next time. So one could think of it as a step backward even though I did get some of what I needed. They delivered those two items late Friday, but I still need to go back and order the rest of the lumber I need.

Sunday I was on my way back from town when a friend/acquaintance called to me from across the street. I’m never sure what to call my few “friends”. I would like to think I have friends, but I see them so infrequently due to my issues it is hard to think of them that way. He wanted to tell me he had re-stained the small building which houses my repeater (automated radio communications relay system). It was fortuitous and interesting that I should run into this particular person. I had been planning to call him on the radio later that day (the phone being out of the question for me) to ask (with great difficulty!) whether he might be headed to the nearby city soon and whether I might catch a ride there to buy screws in large quantity. I should add this wasn’t completely “out of the blue”. He is one of a few who knows something of my struggles and has offered to help out if possible. At this chance encounter I did manage to pose the question. As it turned out he was headed to the city immediately. One more important item obtained.

By the way, my use of the term “city” may be somewhat confusing to those who live in the real world! I live in a town of 2500 population. The “city” to which I often refer, some 35 miles distant, has a population around 35,000 I believe. I realize that is still a small town to many, but around here it is big and most of us think of it as the “city”.

This must be my very lucky day!

I had been up all night, pacing, sweating, vomiting, dreading today. The clock ticked louder and louder as the morning wore on. The apprehension about seeing my new case manager was worse than the last time, and that time was worse than the one before that. I had hoped my initial reaction to him was just that and that the situation would improve. Instead it has been growing steadily worse. This morning I endured another session, listening to him expound all the great and wonderful progress I would make with his help, while all the time knowing I’m instead getting worse.

My DLSS worker arrived shortly after he left. I was still sweating, pacing, scratching imaginary itches and trying not to hyperventilate too much. I would, as usual, have not been able to say anything had she not asked what was wrong. But she did ask, and I blurted out how poorly the new case manager situation was going. Some discussion ensued. The end result is very good news: she will request a change of case manager on my behalf! What a relief. I feel like I dodged a bullet! I wish to reiterate it isn’t his fault things weren’t working. My anxiety makes me extremely uncomfortable with certain people, for reasons I may write about another time. We just were not a good worker/client match.

But the good news doesn’t end there. We scheduled an appointment for Boo to see the vet next week. Meanwhile, on a hunch the very old carpet in the living room may be harboring dust mites (a major allergen for cats and people), I’m planning to rip it out. I’m nervous about Boo having to go another whole week before he can see the vet, but it is the best that can be done. I hope he will be OK until then.

Furthermore, we scheduled an appointment for my full mouth extraction. It is about a month away. Hopefully that is enough time for me to finish the home improvement project I just started. More good news! I’m not sure I actually believe this yet, but the person we talked to at the oral surgeon’s office said my insurance should cover the entire cost, including extraction of the “salvageable” teeth. If it actually does, that will improve my financial outlook considerably.

We made plans to tackle some of the other issues (septic tank inspection, furnace servicing) next week.

Maybe I will be able to sleep tonight. That would be a welcome change.

I feel like screaming! Just when I thought I might have a chance to catch up on some of the things I’ve been struggling with all summer, a higher priority has arisen. Those wounds on Boo are getting worse at an alarming rate and his allergic rash has returned. He must see the vet again. Since I’m not able to make or keep that appointment on my own that will eat up more time with my workers.

This is the very worst kind of stress for me. I can’t handle having a sick animal, watching it suffer and not being able to do much for it. Or not being able to get it help quickly. Nothing sends me into a dangerous tailspin any quicker. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I find myself wishing I could go to sleep and never wake up.

I love Boo, but having him is a threat to my well being when he gets sick. I have long been aware of this issue and had a rule to prevent problems. As much as I like cats, I was never going to have one as long as I live alone. Boo was accidental. He was my Mom’s cat. When Mom had to go to a nursing home three years ago, Boo needed a place to stay. We thought it would be a few weeks at most, so I brought him home with me. The trouble with temporary arrangements is they have a way of becoming permanent.

With any other cat, I would find another home for it. I don’t think I can do that with Boo. He is perhaps the most timid cat I have ever known. It takes him a very long time to get used to new people. He is frightened very easily. He would only do well in a quiet, uneventful home. I would never be able to take him to a shelter or give him to someone I don’t know well. Unfortunately I don’t know anyone who wants and could have a cat whose home meets his needs. I need a quiet, uneventful home myself. I’ve seen what happens when I don’t have that and consider it a miracle I survived. Given that history, I cannot bear the thought of condemning Boo to a home that causes him to be miserable.

On the other hand I have to consider the possibility it is something in my home that is making him sick. He was four when he came to live with me and had never shown any signs of allergies. Within a few months of coming here his problems started; intermittent at first, but becoming more and more frequent and now apparently constant. My own allergies seem far worse than usual these past few months, correlating rather well with Boo’s recurrence.  It may be just coincidence, but begs the question whether we are both reacting to the same environmental factor.

There is nothing to do but get him back to the vet and hope we can get his continuing health problems under control. The vet said he could be tested to see what he is allergic to and have a special vaccine made for him. The test is very expensive. I didn’t ask about the ongoing cost of care, but expect that’s not cheap either. Of course I will spend whatever it takes to make Boo comfortable and healthy, no matter what the sacrifice.

Both my case manager and DLSS worker will be here today. Even though I desperately need help dealing with this situation I am dreading it. My discomfort with the new case manager continues to grow.

The lumber delivery was made well ahead of schedule Thursday morning – shortly after 9:00 as opposed to around noon as I was expecting. The quality of materials is good to excellent, but they did make one substitution I’m not happy with. I didn’t notice until some time after the delivery. Apparently they didn’t have the paint I asked for. What they sent is not the same, nor is it usable for my application. I’m not sure if it can be returned, nor whether I can get back there with it. If not, I’m out $45 for a can of paint I will never use.

Since the delivery was early, I was able to re-schedule my day again. I ended up going on that communications exercise. I helped to set up the portable emergency communications relay system (repeater), then proceeded to visit three of nine checkpoints along the race course (river) to test communications effectiveness using a hand held two way radio. I’m sure in April the communications personnel don’t have to fight their way through chest high ferns and other dense vegetation to reach the river bank! Communications were very good with this new location we tested. Although I was tense and anxious throughout, there was only one sticky moment when it became really uncomfortable. The person I was riding with wanted to stop for an ice cream on the way home. I was forced to decline, which he did not appreciate and that made me very anxious for a while.

I spent the rest of Thursday tearing old fascia boards off my house in preparation for replacement. Naturally, since I’d hired a contractor to redo the roof a few years back, the shingles were nailed into the fascia boards. They are not supposed to be. That created some significant challenges in removing the old boards. Since I had to lift shingles and pry nails from underneath, it is a good thing I got to this when I did – during what may be the last few really warm days of summer. That can’t be done in cool or cold weather.

My brother arrived early Friday morning and almost immediately went out to spend the day with friends. Being desperate to get some work done on my project, I set out for town to see if I could find suitable paint at the local lumber and building supplies place. That was quite a challenge. I’ve never been comfortable going there alone. I’ve done it two, maybe three times previously, but when things were going better for me overall. I had to stop several times on the way because I was too panicky to control the bike. I had a bad moment when I arrived at the store. I leaned the bike against a utility pole and as I started to walk away was overcome by an intense panic attack. Next thing I knew I was picking myself up from the ground, covered in dust and sand. Fortunately no one noticed my incident! I left and rode around some quiet streets for a while to settle down. Eventually I went back. Even though on the edge of total panic the whole time, I did succeed in buying suitable paint for my project. I count that as a major victory!

I put in nine hours of labor Friday and ten hours Saturday. I was very tired, bordering on exhausted, but was pleased that I had been able to put in so many hours. I found a number of previously unknown issues with my roof that need to be fixed. I will never, ever hire a contractor again! The roof I had put on a few years ago is poorly done to say the least. Materials around the edge were put on in the wrong order and poorly sealed, both of which lead to small amounts of water getting to the wood underneath. Even small amounts of water cause wood decay and will lead to major problems later on. I will attempt to patch up this mess in such a way as to prevent further issues, but it will be a tedious job.

The unexpected roof issues are causing some extra anxiety. I think I can patch them to prevent water from reaching wood, but I’m not certain. The only certain solution is a new roof which would be very expensive and time consuming. My mind keeps churning up the obvious questions. What if I’m not able to patch up the problems? What if I think I have them patched but small amounts of water continue to reach wood? What if they are such small amounts as to go unnoticed? The answer to any of these is that wood will rot and a few years from now I will have to not only replace shingles but also the wood and rafters underneath.

Having discovered those unanticipated roof issues, I headed back to the local building supply place Sunday morning. This trip went about as well as the first, with another panic attack. I was lucky a second time, as no one noticed me hit the ground. It seems my “parking spot” there is well chosen, as it is at one corner of the store, hidden by their delivery truck if it is not out on a run. I was very lucky in that neither of these full on attacks happened while I was inside the store.

I am again worried about Boo. His allergic rash has not yet returned but he has suddenly developed two small areas on his back which appear to be wounds of some sort. I am at a loss to figure out how he got them. I am keeping a close eye on them and will try to get him back to the vet if they don’t heal soon. It worries me greatly, since getting him to the vet entails at least a week’s delay due to transportation issues and needing assistance to call and set up an appointment. I hate being so limited!

I’m still feeling overwhelmed and under intense pressure. I need to complete my home repair projects as quickly as possible, before water finds a way to get to materials which are stacked under a tarp outside. Not to mention how late in the season it is. I still need to call about getting my septic tank pumped and inspected. If I don’t get that done this month, it will cost me extra. I’m worried that if I need repairs or replacement it may get too late in the season do do it. I’ve been trying to make that call since the beginning of June but have not succeeded yet. I need to call about having my furnace cleaned and serviced. Same story. I’ve been trying for months without success. It hasn’t been checked in four years due to my limitations.

I did manage to schedule an appointment to apply for winter heating assistance, only because this year they implemented a new system which allows scheduling those through a web site. Getting to the appointment will be an adventure, as it is 14 miles away with many big hills on the way. At 47 and out of shape that’s going to be one hell of a bike ride! Fortunately I have time to prepare. The appointment is the 23rd of November.

Night before last I was awake physically trembling with anxiety, thoughts racing, unable to calm down. By morning I was completely exhausted. I struggled through the motions of showering, shaving and getting dressed. I knew better than to eat or drink anything under these conditions. The ticking of clocks was maddening as the seconds raced by. I resisted the urge to throw the clocks out the nearest window!

My DLSS worker arrived shortly after 10:00 and we headed to the home improvement store, 40 miles away. I was quiet much of the trip, trying not to tremble or show outward signs of anxiety. I rarely show outward signs when others are around, which to some degree may actually complicate my problem. People rarely see how much I’m struggling inside, except on the occasions when anxiety turns to panic and I pass out. Even then, most have no idea what happened. No one sees the emotional turmoil and constant physical symptoms of distress that occur when I’m alone.

My first impression of the store was that the place is very well laid out and has large, clearly visible overhead signs identifying key areas such as customer service and checkout. That isn’t often the case around here. My worker broke the ice by telling a customer support person who we were and why we were there. That would be the hardest part for me and would have surely led to full panic if I had to do it myself on the first visit to this place. After that I was more or less OK. I was able to make some changes to the previously phoned in order, necessitated by the discovery of additional problems that would need to be fixed. I provided directions on how to find my home and arranged a delivery time that would be convenient for me.

The employees there were very pleasant, non-threatening even to someone with my level of anxiety about dealing with people, and helpful. I was very grateful for the little things. For example, after completing and verifying the order, the customer support person didn’t just instruct me to go to the cashier and pay for the order. He pointed out exactly which desk to go to, which would save me from panic trying to figure it out on my own. Even though everything was well marked in this store, I would panic were it not for that simple thing. Of course it wouldn’t have been a major issue this trip since I had someone with me to assist in any case.

It cost less than expected. The invoice says I received a 10% discount, which saved me over $100. It was a pleasant surprise! I’m very curious why Ii got the discount. I would have liked to ask, but could not force the words. I was not even able to mention it to my worker until after we left the store.

Shortly after arriving home, the phone rang. Caller ID recognized it as the store I had just been to. I was immediately suspended somewhere between extreme anxiety and outright panic. Figuring there must be some problem or they needed additional information, I forced myself to answer. It took every bit of strength I could muster. It turns out they wanted to change the date of delivery to make it more convenient for them. They wanted  to combine it with another delivery in this area. Since it is 40 miles and they don’t charge for delivery I can understand that. I agreed to the change, which meant canceling the plans I had for today. I was too panicky to do anything else. I’m sure if I had said I’m sorry, that just won’t work they would have remained with the original delivery plan.

I was too exhausted and too anxious to get anything done for the rest of yesterday. I couldn’t even write about the day’s experiences. I just paced, wearing myself out even more! Last night I was able to get some sleep, though not nearly as much as I needed.

This morning I’m quite anxious about the delivery. It should be around noon, give or take an hour. I’m not sure if they will be unloading stuff from the truck or if I have to help (and therefore interact with the delivery person for some time). I’m apprehensive about quality of the materials. This place has a really good reputation, so I’m hoping for good results. If there are no problems, they will be getting my future business. I hope there are no problems such as damaged or missing items. Any such problems are supposed to be reported within 24 hours, which would most likely be impossible for me.

I’m a little disappointed about having canceled my plans for today in order to accommodate the delivery. But at the same time, I am relieved. My plans for today involved helping to set up and test some portable communications infrastructure at a new location which we hope to use for support of a canoe race next year. The race, in late April, is an annual event the club has been helping with for many years. The location we have been using for the remote relay infrastructure has not been ideal. Hence testing of a potential new location today. I really wanted to do it, even though it involves some risk for me. I’m never sure exactly what unexpected social situations might arise during such activities.

My brother is scheduled to arrive tomorrow morning for a holiday weekend visit. I’m not sure how much of the time he will be here and how much he will spend out with friends. It will be both good to see him and stressful at the same time, but I am definitely more looking forward to the visit than not.

I slept very little last night. Anxiety about going to the city tomorrow is growing. Tonight certainly doesn’t seem promising. But I am determined to do this.

I’ve reached the inevitable point where I start questioning my ability. Can I really do this work? Can I do it in the time I have left? What if I get sick or injured and can’t complete the work? What if something goes wrong? When I am awake and alert I know I can do the this project. But self doubt always creeps in when I’m trying to sleep or when I’ve really tired. It may be something of a challenge to get it finished in the time I have. I’m a perfectionist and that makes me very slow. I get tired quickly for reasons unknown so I won’t get a lot of hours in each day. As for getting sick or injured that could happen, but it is beyond my control. There will always be that risk.

Today I started preparing the area I want to work on. I started by moving all the stuff stored there into other parts of the house. Something good happened! When I moved a large utility shelf unit out of one corner I found a surprise: a bat entrance that could not easily be seen from the outside and which I had not been able to see from inside until I moved the shelf unit. This is the first opening I have found with incontrovertible evidence bats have been going through it. That is a good sign. I will of course plug it after they go out to feed tonight.

Next I summoned all my courage and started ripping up the old sub floor.  Believe me, it takes courage to rip into a house this old. You never know when or where you will find wood rot you didn’t know was there! I wanted to have a look today, while there is still time to modify my order to include extra materials if I found surprises. Sure enough, I found some. It’s not as bad as it could have been, but with every piece of sub floor removed I found some rot underneath. What an emotional roller coaster. With every new discovery I got that sinking, knot in the stomach feeling, as if this was a major problem, possibly insurmountable. But on investigation and taking time to settle down and think about it, I realized each newly discovered issue was in fact relatively minor and could be repaired relatively easily.

I’m going to dig around for something to eat and then try to relax. I will find something to watch on Netflix. Tomorrow is the big day.