Way Too Much Anxiety!

It has been a while since my last post. The days have all run together and I can barely tell them from nights except that I assume it’s night when it gets dark outside. I have been in a state of extreme anxiety with many panic attacks. It is often a struggle just to breathe. I feel like a band is being tightened around my chest. My stomach is constantly upset. My muscles are tense and painful, leading to injury if I move the wrong way.

I have found no way to get more materials for my renovation project, despite my best efforts. I simply cannot do this on my own and it does not fit into my current support system well. Some of my  materials were damaged by the last rain. I have no place to put them except outside under a tarp, which of course started leaking. It is all very frustrating but I knew the risks. I understood attempting to do a project such as this without a solid support system for obtaining materials was a gamble. If one is going to gamble, one had better be prepared for the possibility of losing.

With the full mouth extraction coming up in just two weeks (October 11) I am all but out of time for projects. Anxiety about that procedure and the aftermath is growing rapidly.

But mostly I have been having trouble trying to process and implement the offer of help from friends. Sadly I have realized my life will continue to be lived crisis to crisis if I don’t develop a system of “natural supports”. But asking for help is nearly impossible for me. Any attempt to do so results in severe panic attacks. I wasn’t sure just how serious this offer really was, and knew that I needed to discuss it further and get all the cards on the table so to speak if I was to have any chance of this plan working. But though I tried to compose an email asking for a meeting to go over it in more detail, I failed over and over again. Days were turning into weeks and I was making no progress.

Finally there was a shift in the dynamics. On a particular day when I felt, having discussed the matter with an internet friend, that I was about to succeed in sending the email, I mentioned to Ben in a chance two way radio conversation that I would soon be emailing him about “another matter”. Then when I tried to do it, I panicked again! By that time I was getting very depressed about these failures. I got an email from Ben the next day, asking what had happened to the email he was expecting from me. That was a fortunate break in that somehow I was able to reply to that and explain that I needed help and also needed to discuss things further regarding this generous offer.

The short version of the story is that by some miracle I was able to sit down and talk to him about my life and current problems in some detail. Following that, one of the important things I have been stressing over and unable to deal with all summer has been taken care of. Another is scheduled for October 12. Clearly that won’t be an ideal day for me, but Ben has promised to be here to handle the talking.

My home is not in a “winter ready” state and I must try to improvise solutions based on whatever materials I currently have. There is probably not enough time but I want to get as much of that done as possible prior to the full mouth extraction. I don’t know how long I will be “down” following that and will be very stressed dealing with everything for a while thereafter.