Paul's Reality

Shortly after my last post I started getting that “don’t feel quite right” feeling. Next thing I knew I had a full blown, nasty cold. It turned out to be the worst cold I’ve ever had. Maybe my body wasn’t able to fight it while healing from surgery. Maybe it was worse because I’m under restrictions and couldn’t deal with the symptoms as I normally would. For more than a week I could barely breathe and would become winded just walking across a room. I found it impossible to sleep, eat, or do just about anything else.

I am getting better now. Mainly I have quite a bit of lingering chest congestion and still tire with the most trivial task. Aside from the cold, I have continued to heal well. The sutures are all but completely gone, discomfort minimal. My only concern is that I still can’t eat solid food. My jaws simply won’t come together far enough to chew. I wasn’t expecting that. Hopefully I will have dentures in a few weeks and this will all be behind me.

The weather has been rainy most of the time and temperatures have been plummeting. I still have no door to protect the storage room and entry from the weather, nor anything protecting bare wood on two exterior walls. To say this is a source of anxiety would be an understatement. I can only hope to regain enough strength and stamina to do something about it soon.

In one month I have an out of town appointment that it is critical I keep. To date I have no way to get there other than the bike. I need to get my strength back and start daily exercise soon if I am to have a realistic chance of being up to that. It’s not that far away – 15 miles – but it is all up hill and down. I made that trip a few times in my early twenties and once at the age of thirty one. The latter was a bit rough and I am 16  years older now. This should be a fascinating adventure! Did I mention it would not be unprecedented to have snow and ice by that time. In that case I would be walking!

I’ve been doing so well since the surgery. Some numbness, but minimal pain and almost no bleeding or oozing at all. It’s great! I’m starting to realize the difference between having teeth extracted by a dentist (at least the ones I’ve seen) and an oral surgeon (at least the one that did my procedure). Dentists cut the gums and rip out the teeth, leaving an exposed socket and bone. The surgeon preserved as much of my gums as possible and sutured them together after removing the teeth.

During my post-op exam, the surgeon explained the numbness I’ve been experiencing was caused by loss of a tooth that was pressing hard on a nerve. He says it should gradually decrease with time as the nerve repairs itself and becomes accustomed to not having pressure on it.

The new hole in my head is a different story. Apparently it was pretty big. He sutured a flap of skin over it, but it could open up if I blow my nose, drink through a straw, chew something the wrong way, or sneeze without opening my mouth. If it does open up, I will have stuff coming out my nose whenever I swallow and will need additional surgery to close it up again. Lovely! I’m under orders not to do any of those things for at least two weeks.  With my allergies and constant sinus congestion, it won’t be a fun two weeks. Essentially I can do nothing but be a couch potato. Any activity raises risk of inhaling dust or any number of other airborne offenders which might trigger allergic reactions and a long sneezing session. I’m too afraid to move about or eat anything even semi-solid. I’m terrified I will get too close to someone with a cold.

If I know myself, and I’m pretty sure I do after 47 years, these fears won’t subside after two weeks, or three, or four. I suspect I will be paralyzed by fear and anxiety about this for months, waiting until I’m positive it has had enough time to heal permanently. I’m sitting here thinking about my house not having a door on it, two walls incomplete, another wall lacking proper protection from the weather, and the fact that winter will be here before I know it. Any attempt to do anything more to the house would mean high risk of encountering allergens, so the status today is likely to remain until Spring. Even my usual cold weather hobby projects are on the hazards list.

Wow! I’ve had almost no bleeding and minimal pain. I don’t think I will need the prescription pain medication, although I did have it filled today just in case. I also got the antibiotic prescription filled and will take the full course of that, naturally. This is unbelievable. I keep waiting for the pain to set in. I have felt much worse after single extractions in the past!

It has been a busy day. Jessica got here around 11:00. Ben called on the radio a few moments later to say he and the furnace tech would be arriving momentarily. It took about an hour to inspect and clean the furnace. All is well with it. That is one more worry off my mind. Jessica and I went out to get the prescriptions right after that. We didn’t have time to go to the grocery store, so I got out the bicycle and did that on my own later in the afternoon.

I am annoyed at not being able to work. I feel up to it, but I need to avoid dust that will get my allergies and sinuses acting up because of the oral antral communication. That’s a fancy term for hole in my head! People have often told me I have a hole in my head (almost always in jest). Now I really do have one!

This may seem strange, but I am almost euphoric. It is a huge relief to have this behind me, but it is more than that. I had grown so tired of dental pain and infections that getting this done had become something of a dream. Now it’s a dream come true. Now we start working toward getting dentures. There is a pre-approval process which needs to be completed to get that paid by insurance.

Jessica will be taking me to the post-op exam tomorrow, despite it not normally being a work day for her.

Boo loves me! He came running over to greet me yesterday with big, worried eyes. He knew something was wrong. I probably wasn’t walking very well because the anesthesia hadn’t completely worn off. I thought I was walking fine. Jessica informs me otherwise. 🙂 With his senses Boo could probably smell blood. He stayed by my side or in my lap yesterday afternoon and evening. Today he stays close by and comes to check on me often. He is even taking a break from petty thievery and assorted mischief! Cats do care, they just don’t often show it.

Thanks to a number of most helpful suggestions I received from readers and online friends, communication difficulties were kept to an absolute minimum. Thank you my friends!

Everything went quite smoothly despite my anxiety being through the roof. The staff and doctor treated me kindly and I did get full IV sedation / general anesthesia. It took longer than expected, which is an issue to me only in that it took up more of Jessica’s time and pushed her schedule pretty hard.

Pain and bleeding are far less than I expected at this point. There was one complication which, so far, is the greatest irritation to me. One of the teeth, when extracted, left a hole between my mouth and sinus cavity. Apparently it’s no big deal, but I’ve been instructed not to blow my nose for at least two weeks. With constant sinus and nasal congestion I’ve had all my life, that is an annoyance to say the least.

Jessica will be back tomorrow to help me get prescriptions filled (antibiotic and pain medication).

I’m supposed to go back in two days for a follow-up. We were not expecting this. It isn’t clear at this point how or if  I will be able to get there, but Jessica called to check on me a little while ago and said she will look into it.

17 hours, 30 minutes to go. Between anxiety and exhaustion I was not able to get any work done today. I did manage to partially clean up the work area, save my remaining pile of raw materials,  two old writing desks and several boxes of assorted household items which have been in the way for weeks. I lost count of how many times I have shuffled the desks and other stuff from one end of the storage area to the other so I could work around it. My intent was to put it all curbside with a “Free Stuff” sign six weeks ago. Yet even that simple thing has eluded me. I make plans to put it out every morning, then start stressing about people stopping to look at it while I’m still putting it out – and that’s the end of contemplating it for that day! By the end of the day, I’m cursing at it for still being there. I want the stuff gone. I do not want any possibility of having to deal with people to make it be gone! I have put stuff curbside to get rid of it in the past, but not at times when I was having so much anxiety.

I hastily nailed a sheet of plywood over the opening where a window is supposed to go eventually. For the last week or so, I’ve been thumb tacking a blanket over the door opening at night to keep varmints from wandering in – especially skunks. Not that I dislike or fear skunks, but I would rather not have them wandering around my storage room and entry way. Years ago I had a “pet” skunk I named Digger (because skunks are always and forever digging up the lawn looking for grubs to eat). I would often be outside at night checking alignment of my moon-tracking antenna (it’s a long story) or performing other tasks. Digger would follow me around, curious what I was up to. He was well mannered and never a problem unless you count the night Mom cam home from a painting class and refused to get out of the car because Digger was waiting on the steps to say howdy! I had to go outside and ask him to move, which he did. I accidentally tripped over Digger one very dark night, but all he did was make a faint sound and look at me as if to ask “What’s your problem, buddy?” But I digress. Today I took a thin four by eight foot sheet of high density fiber board that had, to my dismay, been damaged by rain while sitting in my pile of project materials, and made a somewhat more durable varmint-blocker and rain shield. I reinforced it top and bottom with scrap boards and added wires to hold it in place. Essentially I stand it against the outside of the doorway, wires to the inside; then pull the wires tight and wrap them around screws temporarily protruding from the inside of the frame surrounding the doorway. This new “door” is hardly more rigid than a thick piece of paper. It takes a couple of minutes to “open” or “close” it. OK, so it’s crude but it works and it’s better than an old blanket and thumb tacks! Just call me redneck! 😉

17 hours, 10 minutes. Ugh. The biggest problems for me are not knowing what to expect and fear of complications. The oral surgeon refused to do a prior consult, and won’t make a determination as to whether I can have IV sedation until I get there tomorrow. If he says no, the deal is off. I’ll walk out. Moreover, I really don’t know what to expect in terms of recovery time and pain. I have a history of “losing” a week of my life after having a single tooth extracted. Six days because it won’t stop bleeding and one going back to the dentist to have it stopped, which is so easily done. I’m hoping with 29 extractions the oral surgeon will take care of that at the time and not make me come back when it proves to be an issue.

Most of all I’m worried about clear communication tomorrow. Jessica, may daily living support services worker who will be with me, probably won’t be allowed to be in the room while they are checking my heart and lungs to see if I can have IV sedation. If not, that means I will be on my own to make sure I understand their decision. It seems like the simplest thing, but in a state of panic understanding or communicating anything can be problematic.

The following day Ben will be here at some point to deal with the  heating technician coming to service and inspect my furnace. The timing is not ideal, obviously, but is the only slot they had open. Ben has promised to do all the talking so it should be OK. Jessica plans to be back as well, to see how I’m doing and whether I need anything. My case manager has promised to call me on Friday to see if everything is OK.

16 hours, 45 minutes. Tick, tick, tick. Damn noisy clocks! 🙂 Yes, I know I write slowly. Rednecks don’t type so well, ya know! 🙂

On top of everything else I am now sick! Or injured. Something. Forty eight hours ago I was in enough pain that I was seriously considering having my case manager take me to the emergency room or call an ambulance when I saw her the following morning. I was a little better the next morning and still have much to get done here before Tuesday so I didn’t.

I’m not at all sure what the problem is. It manifests as upper abdominal pain, especially when bending over; an itching/burning sensation in the upper abdominal region that becomes pain if the area is touched even very lightly; constant feeling in the throat like a trapped bubble; and the sensation that something in my abdomen physically moves when I move just right. All these symptoms seem to be somehow related. I have had all this before, three years ago. At that time my doctor could find no cause, but after ending up in the emergency room for  a day I was diagnosed with gallstones. I had surgery to take out the gallbladder. At the time the surgeon said she did not think some of the symptoms I had been reporting were related to that. I guess not, because they are back.

Anyway I am soldiering on, trying to get as much work done here as I can in the time I have left. Two days left. With luck I think I can get all the exterior stuff finished, which would be a nice feeling under the circumstances.

I need to shower and try to go into town on an errand now. I’m not exactly feeling calm about it.  I hope to accomplish my errand and not have any severe panic attacks but am not too confident!

I accomplished very little today but I am emotionally and physically drained. My DLSS worker arrived late morning. We went shopping so now I have food. Although I was extremely apprehensive about it we went to the local building supply place to get a couple of small items that will allow me to continue working for a few more days and (hopefully) complete the exterior phase of my project.

This afternoon I tried to work but I was so cold no matter what heavy clothing I put on I kept coming inside to get warm. It was a raw, windy autumn day. Tomorrow is supposed to be even colder. I don’t know why I am so cold. It is not typical for me. Even now, sitting inside with heavy clothing and the thermostat on 72 I’m cold and shivering. I hope it is just a stress reaction. I cannot afford to get sick with the full mouth extraction coming up in just six days!

I am totally exhausted. I have no energy to care about any of the things I should be doing, or the things I normally would enjoy. I’m going to bed early and crank up the electric blanket!

For the past week I have been trying every day to get to the local building supplies place and have them deliver materials for my project. Every attempt has ended in disaster with panic attack after panic attack after panic attack. It’s just not something I can do. I’m completely out of food at this point because the efforts to get those other supplies has been all-consuming and raised panic to such a level as to make any other venture outside my safe zone impossible.

It has rained for three days, so I made no progress on the work. Not that there is much I can do without additional materials anyway. The rain got to my pile of materials despite the tarps, so I had to bring everything inside and pile it right in the middle of the area I’m trying to work on! I have six days left before the extractions. There is no possible way I could complete the project in that time even if I had everything today. I’m desperately hoping I can somehow complete the most critical of the outside work by partially tearing apart one of my storage buildings for materials. I am not sure how well I will be able to work given my current state of anxiety and malnutrition but try I must and try I will.

I’ve been very anxious most of the time. I lie there at night hyperventilating and feeling as though my world is ending. It’s not, but it feels like it is. Surely this is in part due to the sustained effort to get materials and repeated failures. I have no doubt it is partly anticipatory anxiety about the upcoming procedure and recovery.

This has nothing to do with anxiety, but perhaps it’s a cute story. It sure made me laugh!

I was working on my home repair and renovation project today, in an area that used to be a screened in porch but has been mostly boarded up and used for storage and entry way for several years. Boo was hanging around watching, occasionally stealing a nail, screw, staple, carpenter’s pencil, or anything else small enough to pick up and run off with. He is such a great helper!

This house isn’t on a conventional foundation. Since my improvements of ten years ago, it sits on concrete posts which go down into the ground about seven feet. Under the middle of the house, there is a portion where the dirt has been removed so as to be able to walk around down there. It’s like a basement, but instead of vertical concrete walls, it has sloping dirt walls well inside the perimeter of the house. The porch come storage area has a trap door in the floor for access to the “dungeon” as I like to call it. For now the trap door  is open with a ladder for access to the world below. Eventually, as part of this project, I will be building a set of stairs down there. There is no danger of Boo escaping through the dungeon, because he is afraid of ladders or stairs of any kind! Strange cat.

I was sitting on an overturned plastic milk crate while on a break, when Boo and I heard some faint noises coming from down below. Before either of us could investigate, faint noises became the sound of claws clicking on the rungs of the aluminum ladder going down to the dungeon. A second later a sleek gray tiger cat burst upon the scene through the hole in the floor. It appeared to be a young cat, perhaps less than a year old.

Boo immediately freaked out. He commenced fearsome hissing and growling, his fur all fluffed up so as to appear much larger than he really is. Yet at the same time, his belly flat on the floor with a look of pure terror in his eyes! “An invading beast! Help me!”

The strange cat apparently had no idea it was entering a place occupied by other creatures, let alone such a noisy one. This was obviously not what it had in mind! Frantic to escape, the thing climbed up the storm door, only to realize this was not a way out despite being able to see the outside world through it. It climbed all the way to the top of the door, then flew off, landing  on the far side of the room. It then commenced running around at unbelievable speeds, jumping and bouncing off walls at about my normal eye level. This was one very energetic young feline. All the while Boo kept up a steady barrage of hissing and growling, his belly inseparable from the floor and not moving a  muscle save those necessary for the making of much noise.

Finally our young visitor remembered (or saw) the opening in the floor, and made a huge leap across the room for it. By the time it hit dirt seven feet below, all four paws were already flailing at a full run. Gone in and instant! All the way to the far end of the house, up the dirt bank, out from under the house. Who knows how far it ran before stopping!

Boo continued making noise for some time, at least two full minutes, maybe more. Slowly the hissing and growling slowed. There were detectable pauses now. Some of the noises seemed to be more of a question, rising at the end. “Is it gone? I don’t see it. I don’t hear it. Is it gone? is it safe? What the hell was that thing, anyway?”

Suddenly Boo became aware I was laughing, rather uncontrollably as it were. He realized in an instant I was laughing at him, which is not allowed and definitely not appreciated! He got up, marched across the room, swatted my ankle as hard as he could (I’m sure to have a bruise there tomorrow!) and screamed at me. He then turned, fully extended his hind legs and slightly crouching at the front, while laying his tail over his back so as to make sure I could see his… uh, hind end. After that he left the area, muttering every step of the way. I didn’t see Boo again until feeding time and he’s been very cool with me this evening. Not only did I fail to assist in getting rid of the invader but worse yet I laughed at Boo. I am definitely in the dog house.

A comment to my last post started me thinking about why I am able to speak in front of a group, but panic in even the simplest social situations. It should have been obvious all along, but I guess I never really analyzed it before.

First of all, if I’m going to speak in front of a group, I don’t have to make the initial contact. It’s not like picking up the phone and telling someone who I am and what I want, or walking into a business and saying why I’m there or any of that perfectly horrifying stuff! Instead, someone introduces me and gives the audience some idea what I will be talking about. So one of the hardest things is done for me!

If I’m speaking to a group, it is on a topic that I know and feel confident about. If anyone asks a question, it will be about the topic of my speech, which again, I know something about. It’s not like that with most human interactions. I never feel confident about everyday stuff. I always feel I don’t know what I’m talking about, don’t have enough experience with life, don’t know what to say. Sometimes I get asked questions I wasn’t expecting and give an answer that gets me in difficulty. Like saying yes if I’m asked to do something, only to have severe panic attacks about it.

Somehow I thought this subject would make for a longer post, but really that’s about all there is to it. If only I could have some confidence that I know what I’m saying or doing in everyday situations!