Trip to the City

Night before last I was awake physically trembling with anxiety, thoughts racing, unable to calm down. By morning I was completely exhausted. I struggled through the motions of showering, shaving and getting dressed. I knew better than to eat or drink anything under these conditions. The ticking of clocks was maddening as the seconds raced by. I resisted the urge to throw the clocks out the nearest window!

My DLSS worker arrived shortly after 10:00 and we headed to the home improvement store, 40 miles away. I was quiet much of the trip, trying not to tremble or show outward signs of anxiety. I rarely show outward signs when others are around, which to some degree may actually complicate my problem. People rarely see how much I’m struggling inside, except on the occasions when anxiety turns to panic and I pass out. Even then, most have no idea what happened. No one sees the emotional turmoil and constant physical symptoms of distress that occur when I’m alone.

My first impression of the store was that the place is very well laid out and has large, clearly visible overhead signs identifying key areas such as customer service and checkout. That isn’t often the case around here. My worker broke the ice by telling a customer support person who we were and why we were there. That would be the hardest part for me and would have surely led to full panic if I had to do it myself on the first visit to this place. After that I was more or less OK. I was able to make some changes to the previously phoned in order, necessitated by the discovery of additional problems that would need to be fixed. I provided directions on how to find my home and arranged a delivery time that would be convenient for me.

The employees there were very pleasant, non-threatening even to someone with my level of anxiety about dealing with people, and helpful. I was very grateful for the little things. For example, after completing and verifying the order, the customer support person didn’t just instruct me to go to the cashier and pay for the order. He pointed out exactly which desk to go to, which would save me from panic trying to figure it out on my own. Even though everything was well marked in this store, I would panic were it not for that simple thing. Of course it wouldn’t have been a major issue this trip since I had someone with me to assist in any case.

It cost less than expected. The invoice says I received a 10% discount, which saved me over $100. It was a pleasant surprise! I’m very curious why Ii got the discount. I would have liked to ask, but could not force the words. I was not even able to mention it to my worker until after we left the store.

Shortly after arriving home, the phone rang. Caller ID recognized it as the store I had just been to. I was immediately suspended somewhere between extreme anxiety and outright panic. Figuring there must be some problem or they needed additional information, I forced myself to answer. It took every bit of strength I could muster. It turns out they wanted to change the date of delivery to make it more convenient for them. They wanted  to combine it with another delivery in this area. Since it is 40 miles and they don’t charge for delivery I can understand that. I agreed to the change, which meant canceling the plans I had for today. I was too panicky to do anything else. I’m sure if I had said I’m sorry, that just won’t work they would have remained with the original delivery plan.

I was too exhausted and too anxious to get anything done for the rest of yesterday. I couldn’t even write about the day’s experiences. I just paced, wearing myself out even more! Last night I was able to get some sleep, though not nearly as much as I needed.

This morning I’m quite anxious about the delivery. It should be around noon, give or take an hour. I’m not sure if they will be unloading stuff from the truck or if I have to help (and therefore interact with the delivery person for some time). I’m apprehensive about quality of the materials. This place has a really good reputation, so I’m hoping for good results. If there are no problems, they will be getting my future business. I hope there are no problems such as damaged or missing items. Any such problems are supposed to be reported within 24 hours, which would most likely be impossible for me.

I’m a little disappointed about having canceled my plans for today in order to accommodate the delivery. But at the same time, I am relieved. My plans for today involved helping to set up and test some portable communications infrastructure at a new location which we hope to use for support of a canoe race next year. The race, in late April, is an annual event the club has been helping with for many years. The location we have been using for the remote relay infrastructure has not been ideal. Hence testing of a potential new location today. I really wanted to do it, even though it involves some risk for me. I’m never sure exactly what unexpected social situations might arise during such activities.

My brother is scheduled to arrive tomorrow morning for a holiday weekend visit. I’m not sure how much of the time he will be here and how much he will spend out with friends. It will be both good to see him and stressful at the same time, but I am definitely more looking forward to the visit than not.