Paul's Reality

Well, at least I have something different to be anxious about this week. The current weather forecast for Wednesday calls for a snow/rain mix, high temperature in the low 30s and windy. That should make for a perfectly miserable, and possibly very dangerous, 30 mile round trip up and over steep hills on a bicycle.

I have no choice. I have to keep this appointment. I was concerned about bad weather when I made the appointment. Late November is not ideal but it was the earliest date I could get.

I have spent the last three months trying to ask for help with transportation or at least mention this appointment to someone to see if they offered help. I have been completely unable to do so. Anxiety will not allow me to bring it up.

When I made the appointment, via a web site, I was told I could cancel or change it the same way if necessary. This morning I got an appointment reminder email, which again said if I needed to cancel or change the appointment it could be done via the web site. I was going to risk rescheduling to see if I could get better weather next time, but there is no longer any link for scheduling. So much for that idea. Calling, of course, is just as out of the question as asking for help with transportation.

If it is just cold, wet, and miserable, no problem. I can manage. But if the roads are icy or covered with snow, I have serious doubts about being able to make it on a bicycle. I know I am not able to walk 30 miles at this stage of my life, so that isn’t an option.

Caution: language

I haven’t felt much like writing (or anything else) lately. I have been busy trying to get things in order for winter. I work all day every day and accomplish almost nothing for lack of proper materials. I’m tearing pieces out of my storage buildings, custom sawing some of what I need from it, and using it to rebuild the house. Even so, there are things I need which can’t be obtained that way and working around those problems is further slowing work and causing it to be done in inferior ways. I need a break from the work and the stress but there is no time for a break. I did take one day to do hobby stuff this week but there was no joy in it. There is no joy in anything.

I’ve reached a point where I could easily set fire to the place and watch it burn. Being homeless can’t be as bad as what I’ve been through these last several weeks. I’ve been homeless for relatively short periods, so I have some clue. My attitude couldn’t be much worse. I guess the fact that I’ve had it and am near my breaking point is becoming obvious. My mental health / social workers seem to have realized the thing with the friend who was supposedly willing to help is not going to happen, and that I’m in over my head with the stress of this situation. As a result, a way to obtain enough critical materials to winterize my house has been proposed and is in work. I just hope it isn’t too little too late. The weather is getting much colder now. The ground freezes a little every night but so far mostly thaws during the day. It is critical the ground remain workable for a few days after materials arrive, but just one really cold night could end my rapidly shrinking window of opportunity. The furnace runs twice as much as it should at this time of year, yet the place is always cold and drafty. I wear two and sometimes three layers of heavy clothing inside my home.

Meanwhile the first of several appointments involved with getting dentures had to be postponed. The paperwork for insurance pre-approval has not been completed. I am anxiously awaiting word as to exactly what the problem is, and fearing the worst. If my primary care provider is refusing to sign it, I’m screwed.

I must get myself to a nearby town for a critical appointment next Wednesday. It being the day before Thanksgiving, there is no one available to provide transportation – a fact I was well aware of when I made the appointment, but I took the only time I could get. My financial situation will take a turn for the worse if I don’t make it to the appointment. It is 15 miles of steep hills and I’m not as young (or as healthy) as I used to be. Adding to the fun, snow is predicted for Wednesday. All I can do is give it my best effort. On the one hand I’m determined to make it, not so much due to the financial consequences of not being there, but to prove I’m serious about living without a vehicle in order to have funds to fix my home. Not that I could explain why I still feel that way, given the problems I face getting materials for home repairs. On the other hand I’ll be damned if I give a crap one way or the other – which is pretty much how it is with everything lately.

It’s a Saturday morning and I thought I would be in town at this hour doing errands. But as I started up the street I found my local electric company has a dozen trucks in the road and flaggers directing traffic everywhere. It seems they are just getting around to replacing a pole that was broken by an ice storm in March. F***ing bastards! They’ve no doubt been sitting on the a**es all summer, and now they are out fixing this thing on a day they normally wouldn’t even be working. That is so typical. I’m clearly not up to dealing with all that, so I guess I’m not going to town today.

See what I mean about my attitude? It’s bad. Really bad. I told someone the other day if I could I would kick myself out. I’m really tired of being to tired, stressed out and ugly all the time. I truly admire people who can remain cheerful or see the bright side of things no matter what. I aspire to be that way, but have no idea how to accomplish it.

Admittedly this entire thing with my out of sight stress level and attitude is my own fault. I never should have attempted to do anything to the house without knowing for sure I had an adequate support system in place.  It is impossible to describe the frustration. Had I been able to make one simple phone call, or walk into a store and ask to have a few materials delivered, this project would have been completed (properly) five or six weeks ago. It just goes to show how limited I am. No matter how much I want or need something, it can be out of reach. Even simple things.

In response to my last post, a reader left me with a very thought provoking question: is it really an issue that I can’t do the QSL cards and the housework, or do I just hate doing those things? While the answer to that was rather obvious it did get me thinking, and I believe I have a better idea how to move forward now. It pains and embarrasses me that I never saw the light on this before. Better late than never, I guess.

It is clear these tasks are not beyond me. They are not in the same league with going out to eat, for example. I cannot go out to eat because I would panic, pass out, and simply not be physically capable of eating. I am capable of doing the QSL cards and housework. It is a question of the benefit not being worth the cost. That leaves a question as to whether I just hate these tasks or whether they are tied into my anxiety condition in some way. The answer to that is not so clear.

I hate raking the lawn. It is the worst work I have ever done. I absolutely, positively loathe it. But in the interest of having a healthier, nicer lawn I rake it every Spring. It takes me three to four days. I’m sore and have blisters by the time I finish. But I don’t experience any symptoms I normally associate with anxiety when raking the lawn or when contemplating it.

I hate working on QSL cards. Of that there is no doubt. But the water is a little muddy on this one. I do experience anxiety symptoms when contemplating the task and more so when actually doing it. These symptoms are quite intense and I usually go through a recovery period of a few days after just a short session at this task. When I ask myself why would I have anxiety about this, I can find no answer. I don’t know. I can think of no plausible reason. Have I developed anxiety about the task just because I hate it so much? It is possible, but that hasn’t happened with raking the lawn. Do I hate it because I have anxiety about it? That feels right but I still cannot come up with any reason why I should have anxiety about this. I just do. Clearly, even though I very much desire the results of doing this work, the benefit does not outweigh the cost for me. If it did, I would be doing the work! Obvious, isn’t it?

I may have more insight on the issue of housework. I asked myself what is it I hate most about this? What part of this do I dread most, struggle with most? That’s easy: getting clutter out of the way so I can clean. On the rare occasions when my house is relatively clutter free, I dust and clean with relative ease. Why is this a problem? To answer that I had to put myself in the situation. I started trying to pick up clutter in the living room. Every time I felt anxious or had any distressing symptoms I asked myself why am I feeling this right now? The answer quickly became obvious. Every time I felt a wave of anxiety and frustration I was struggling to figure out where to put something. Looking back, often things get temporarily shoved under the bed or behind a piece of furniture out of frustration – anywhere, so long as they get out of the way so I can dust and clean. Next time I want the items I have to go digging around trying to remember where they got hidden. And that’s what I found myself doing this time. If there was no good place to put an item, I would become thoroughly frustrated and have an anxiety attack. Finally I would just cram it anywhere out of sight and temporarily out of the way. But as usual, I didn’t finish picking up clutter. I got to a point where the anxiety was overwhelming. I was hyperventilating, felt nauseous, my vision was getting blurry, and on top of that I was getting rather angry. When I was almost to the point of opening a window and throwing everything in the room outside, I quit in utter frustration. Come to think of it, that all seems very familiar!

So I have identified a specific problem. The question now becomes what to do about it. I have a critical lack of space here. There is not enough space in my desk to store all the computer and office stuff, such as blank media, pens, paper, envelopes, postage, clipboard, stapler, paper punch, etc. All of this is stuff I use regularly, so getting rid of it isn’t much of an option. Invariably some of it is on desk top or worse yet, on a shelf in the entertainment center. The solution to this is simple: I need another piece of office furniture – something with drawers for storage.  It is on my wish list when budget permits.

Then there are the QSL cards and envelopes laying around. I have but two words to say on this: damn them. Damn the whole concept. Damn our forefathers for coming up with such a perfectly horrid idea. To my ham radio friends reading this, I’m sorry but that is how I honestly feel about QSLing. It is miserable work. I lose sleep over it, I lose the ability to eat and keep food down, I get cranky, irritable, and my ability to do other anxiety-producing tasks such as shopping suffers.

Next we have assorted electronic parts for my hobby. Admittedly this is a failing on my part. I thoroughly enjoy the building aspect of my hobby. It is very relaxing and is not something I want to give up. But it requires having a stock of parts. Many of these are hard to come by antiques, others not so much but considering my budget I have to buy when I find bargains. Buying something at the last minute when I need it usually means paying more for it, if it can be found at all. I desperately need more storage for this stuff! I I think I tend to be a hoarder but I have been fighting it. In the last year I have sold or given away more than half my inventory of parts, keeping only those I am reasonably certain of needing in the relatively near future and the priceless, possibly irreplaceable items. I need much more storage for the parts inventory. There is very little space in this small house to add storage units, so at present I am not sure what the solution is here aside from the obvious – giving up my hobby, which I am not yet ready to do.

Those are all issues that have been with me for a long time. At the moment, the situation is just unthinkable and damn near unlivable. I think that is part of the reason I am in such a bad mood lately. I still have all my power tools, nails, screws and other home improvement stuff  crammed in my living room due to the ongoing, far behind schedule repair and renovation of my tool storage area. I’m a single dude and I love my tools, but even I despise having them in my living room! Unfortunately, it looks like they will be here until Spring now. They cannot go back to the tool storage area until the project is completed. I have building supplies stacked there awaiting use in that project. Horrors! Men in white suits will have carted me away in a straight jacket by then! Well, at least maybe my new little room won’t be too cluttered. 🙂

It is painfully obvious I need to put finding storage solutions near the top of my priority list. What I really need is a couple more rooms. That is on my home improvement to do list but several other tasks must be completed before I can expand the house.

I don’t know of any solution for the paperwork. There is no clear path to resolving that other than the one I’m using by default: stay off the air so as not to create the need for doing the paperwork.

I think I’ve just had an epiphany!

Do you ever wonder if we really stop to assess our lives often enough? Have you ever had a moment when you realized there are things you’ve been well aware of but never really given due thought? With me it is like there is a whole other level of awareness, things I know but never really see for what they are, never examine.

This morning I had an email from an old friend. I’m tempted to say it made me stop and think, but in a sense that’s not right. It would be more to the point to say it made me realize what I already knew but never gave due consideration.

My diagnosis tends to be somewhat fluid, changing and evolving over time. But the essential components, officially, are generalized anxiety disorder, agoraphobia, social phobia. One can certainly argue that we pigeon-hole diagnoses, forcing things to fit neatly into a category whether they in fact do or not. But nothing in my official diagnosis would seem to explain certain other mysteries of my life.

Take, for example, the pens lying on my desk. I keep two of them handy, one with blue ink, the other black. I’ve never really thought about how often I check the alignment of the pens to see that they are placed just so on the desk. But I am well aware of it. The pens are the first thing I check in the morning when I sit down to do my email session. If Boo has knocked them askew during the night, they must be properly adjusted before I can concentrate on anything. I check them many times throughout the day, and after I use one I always put it back just so. The pens must be perfectly parallel to each other, both clips at the top facing the same way (usually to the left, but it doesn’t really matter). They must not, however, be parallel to the edge of the desk or any other item on the desk! Oddly it doesn’t seem to matter as much how the various notes and bits of paper may be situated on the desk. I would greatly prefer there not be any such clutter, but invariably there is despite my aversion to it. Clearly this thing with the pens is more akin to obsessive-compulsive disorder if we seek to pigeon-hole it.

In fact a great many of my struggles and mood difficulties are not related to the often discussed anxiety centering around dealing with other people. I know that. But do I ever stop to really think about it? I feel much better emotionally and even physically when my surroundings are clean and tidy, with no or minimal clutter. Books and magazines should all be neatly placed in the bookshelves; devices, DVDs, CDs neatly arranged in the entertainment center and no unrelated items placed there; kitchen utensils should be, to the extent possible, stored out of sight so as to minimize cluttered appearance, and no items not belonging in a kitchen should ever be left there; the house should be clean and tidy, dust kept to an absolute minimum.

The trouble is, I find it absolutely impossible to maintain order. I don’t think I’m a lazy person. I will spend long days working on a home improvement or hobby labor project. I cleared nearly half an acre of dense forest summer before last, in an area where no vehicles or heavy machinery could be used. I dug a basement under my house by hand, removing all the dirt with a small shovel and a bucket. I will gladly go and help others with manual labor if asked. How can I be lazy? Yet try as I might I cannot seem to keep up with the house work. I will put things down in a place they don’t belong to avoid ten extra steps to put them away properly. I will neglect dusting and other such chores. Eventually things get to an intolerable state of disarray and I will force myself to tidy up, but I am malcontent while doing it – irritable, unhappy, forcing myself to do the work but hating every moment of it. I do feel much better when it is done however.  This is an ongoing battle with me. I  know beyond any doubt I will feel better if everything is kept neat and clean, yet I cannot force myself to keep it that way. What is my problem? Should it really be so hard to put things back in their proper place, or to spend five minutes a day dusting? Part of the horror of dusting is that there is always clutter in the way!

It’s not just the house work. It affects my ability to enjoy my hobby too. Over the years I have put a great deal of expense and effort into building up my ham radio setup. I thoroughly enjoy making lots of contacts with far away places on the radio. I find it relaxing, a good diversion from stress and anxiety. But the hobby has a dark side: paperwork! Hams exchange what amount to specialized post cards (they are called QSL cards) which provide written “confirmation” of a contact made on the radio. Hams seek these cards and use them to “prove” they have made contacts for purposes of obtaining awards (certificates and in some cases plaques) recognizing certain accomplishments. For example there is a certificate for having submitted evidence of having contacted hams in all fifty U.S. states; another for having confirmed contacts with 100 countries, with endorsements available for higher country totals up to the very prestigious level of having contacted them all (341 at present, I think).

I have worked hard to build a capable radio station and to make some very challenging contacts, because I want some of those awards for my wall. Yet I simply cannot force myself to do the necessary paperwork. It is a source of constant stress, aggravation , and extreme frustration. I dread the work of sending for QSL cards I need to such an extent that I feel physically ill just thinking about it. Actually doing it is a miserable process. So I don’t. It’s not just sending out requests for the cards I desperately want. I get requests from those I contact who need my card to confirm it. I struggle constantly and miserably to keep up, but am almost always shamefully delinquent. I am once again at the point of curtailing my beneficial on air activities because the paperwork is too distressing. What the hell is my problem?

I cannot quite describe that affect these tasks have on me. It is anxiety, or feels the same. But why I would be so anxious about these simple tasks is unfathomable. I have no theories on the matter. I will be taking this up with my therapist at the earliest opportunity. It will be interesting to see if he has any thoughts, though I don’t expect to fully understand this anytime soon.

As soon as I get the house in a winter-ready state (or as close to it as possible)  I absolutely must get the inside organized. I’m constantly told my house is far less cluttered than many, and I know that to be true. I have seen a good many houses with a great deal more clutter than mine on its worst day. But at present, things here have become so messy that I cannot even think clearly. There is no doubt my mind tends to mimic its surroundings. Cluttered surroundings, cluttered mind. I hope also to make a “run” at the backlog of QSL cards, though I dread that more than anything.

Allow me to digress first, and get it out of the way so I can get on with what I wanted to write about today. I often wonder why people listen to weather forecasts. I’m sure forecasting the weather is easier and more reliable in some places, but here it seems a futile effort to me. We have an old saying here: “If you don’t like the weather, just wait five minutes!” It is easy to see how that got started and why it is so popular. I have nothing against meteorologists. They are people like the rest of us. Most seem quite personable. They have no doubt paid a lot for their education and I’m sure at least the vast majority of them are well qualified. It’s  just that no one can accurately forecast the weather here, or so it would seem. Just before going to bed around 11:00 PM last night, I checked the forecast from several sources, including the NWS. Today was supposed to mostly sunny and warm, high around 50, with a light breeze. I awoke this morning to the sound of wind howling around the northwest corner of the house. It is completely overcast and the air has that raw, biting, bone chilling feel that suggests it could snow at any moment. In fact the forecast now says snow showers today, possible heavy snow at times. What happened to sunny and warm? How did conditions change so much in the six measly hours I was trying to sleep?

I started the day very tired again, slow to get moving, taking far too long to complete my morning routine. I needed to get to the credit union before 9:00 opening to use the ATM. After opening there are too many people around. I get nervous, can’t think, forget how to use the machine, and screw things up. Having finally got organized I left the house at 8:30. Normally it takes fifteen minutes to get to the credit union, ten if I really push myself. This morning, fighting a strong, steady and bitterly cold head wind, it took thirty-five minutes pushing as hard as I could (which admittedly isn’t up to my usual standard these days). Despite being five minutes late, there were no cars in the parking lot. What’s this? Could my luck be this good? But just as I approached, an 18 wheeler pulled over and the driver went inside. I decided to ride around for a bit, trying to keep the place in sight, and hope for a quiet moment with no one around. I desperately needed cash so I could go buy paint for a door sill.

I rode around the area, trying not to look conspicuous or draw attention, but increasingly feeling like people must be wondering what’s this idiot on the bicycle doing? Ten minutes became twenty and still the truck driver had not come out of the credit union. At least six or seven other people had been in and out since he arrived. I have no idea what was taking so long, but based on a lifetime of experience, frustration and aggravation my guess is he was busy chatting with one of the employees. Thirty minutes, forty… finally he emerged and drove off. I was about to give up after another fifteen minutes. People were starting to show up in greater numbers and there were no breaks in the flow. Just as I was about to abandon all hope and head home, the parking lot emptied. I scanned the street and saw no vehicles approaching from either direction. It was the lucky break I had been  hoping for!

I rushed to the ATM. I was very nervous about trying to do this after opening time, with the much greater risk of people coming in. I was trying my best not to hyperventilate. My hands were shaking so much as to make it nearly impossible to insert my debit card into the machine! It’s a good thing it has large buttons and I am very familiar with the routine, because blurred vision made it almost impossible to see the markings. Nevertheless I did succeed in getting cash; no small victory!

By the time all that was over, I was feeling very shaky about even attempting the errand that started it all – that of going to the local building supply store to get paint for my door sill. It is never a comfortable place for me to go. It was on my route home anyway, so I headed off in that direction. Time being critical, I decided to try it and risk possible disaster. With the wind now at my back it took only a couple minutes to get there. I stumbled in the parking lot, on the edge of total panic. This would have been a fool’s errand had I not previously scoped out possible products for this, since reading anything less than letters an inch tall would now be completely out of the question! I somehow managed to purchase the paint. I fell at the edge of the parking lot. I heard someone yell from across the street asking if I was OK, but I just got on my bike and got out of there as quickly as possible.

Having arrived home I cannot honestly provide myself with any reason all this had to happen today. I had wanted to work today, and this errand was mission critical for that. But now I am chilled through, shivering as I type, even though I have the heat turned up to 75. I am so cold I cannot bear the thought of being outside in the wind. It was a simple trip to town, not more than five miles in total. Yet I am tired to the point of nearly being off my feet. I despise this! I am an active person! I must confess to having my suspicions about bronchitis at this point. I am still congested and coughing a lot. Perhaps something of the afternoon can be salvaged, but I am doubtful.

Ugh! I just looked out the window and I cannot see the street some fifty feet away for all the snow in the air! So much for working this day.

This is just a short update. I woke up feeling completely exhausted today but must work nevertheless. I was only able to get about three hours in yesterday. It took that long to do half the house wrap. I must try to finish the other half before the breeze forecast today comes up. There is no way I can handle that alone with any breeze whatsoever! On the other hand right now it is too wet outside to do it. I must roll it out, measure and cut on the ground and the stuff would be completely covered in grass clippings, sand, etc. which would then get trapped between it and my new wood on the house. That is not good as it increases the risk of transferring fungi that cause dry rot from the ground to my new wood! Dry rot is a big problem here. I hope to get the door frame done today also.

Yesterday went well. I deleted one errand (the key) because I was feeling overwhelmed. The others went smoothly, although we did end up driving around for a little while hoping there would be more activity at the post office. The local restaurant looks like a place I might someday become comfortable with, but it is going to take some work and a lot of baby steps.

It’s back! My old friend and arch enemy, anxiety! I hate it but at least it is familiar, unlike much of what I have been dealing with lately. I was exhausted after working the last two days but only slept maybe two hours the whole night. Sleep was intermittent. I kept waking up with my stomach doing back flips, my chest feeling like someone was tightening a steel band around it and every muscle in my body in spasm. Why is it back? Jessica (my daily living support services worker) comes today and we have plans to do three things that cause my great to extreme anxiety but which I either need or want to learn to do on my own.

First, we go to the post office to get stamps. It’s a simple thing but I  struggle greatly with it. In this small town post office you never know if anyone will be watching the counter or if all the employees will be in the back when you walk in. If no one is around you are supposed to ring a bell on the counter to get attention. I can never do that! I just have a panic attack and either flee or pass out on the floor! To avoid that situation, if I go there on my own I circle the block until I see all five or six parking spaces in front of the post office have cars in them. Then I figure it is a good bet someone has already attracted the attention of the staff and it is safe to walk in. Sometimes I circle the block for hours! Sure I could just buy stamps online as I have many times in the past. But the point is for me to become able to do business at the local post office with reasonable comfort. This discomfort is the reason I haven’t gone back to selling on eBay since I gave up my beloved vehicle. It was easy enough to circle the block for hours with a Cherokee full of packages, but not so much with a stack of packages strapped on a bicycle!

Then it’s off to the hardware store to have them make a duplicate key. I have been wanting to get a spare key to my repeater shelter (an automated radio relay station I put up to help out the local club and community) so that Ben can have a key to the place. I have been trying to do this on my own for weeks but every time I panic and don’t go into the store. I’m comfortable shopping there (well, quasi-comfortable would be more correct) but to hand them a key and ask for a copy, no way! Too much interaction for this dude! I’m so terrified and uncertain of this situation that we decided the only way to prevent me from having a panic attack is for Jessica to hand them the key and take care of the whole transaction. That way I can observe and start the process of becoming desensitized to this situation without risk of having an attack.

Finally – and I’ve saved the most horrendous for last – it’s off to the local restaurant to see if we can get a menu to bring home. Again, Jessica will do all the talking while I observe. But oh my gosh! A restaurant!? Ugh! Hold on, dear readers… I need to take a break and attempt to get myself breathing again before I finish this. Whew! The mere thought of it is, in a word, terrifying. No, that is not a strong enough word. I don’t think there is a word in the English language to describe the feeling! The point of getting a menu is that it is a simple, brief exposure to place I am extremely uncomfortable with. It is the first step, we hope, to me becoming able to eat out. There will be many baby steps along this path!

I don’t even know why I want to become comfortable with restaurants. Well, I guess that’s not true. It’s just easier to hide from it. I told Jessica I want to be able to handle this so I could feel free to accept invitations to participate in more club activities. Over the years I have turned down so many chances to go out and do things with the gang because I know they often go out to lunch along the way. That is something I just could not risk. It’s not a false reason. I do want to be comfortable participating more. But at best it is a half truth.

I consider myself an intelligent person most of the time. But I have a stupid side! The ugly unspoken truth of it is, the greater driving force behind wanting to get comfortable eating out is the undying hope that someday I might meet someone I would want to go on a date with. How incredibly stupid is that? Imagine! As if I would be capable of asking someone out in the first place! As if anyone would want to go out with me! As if there would be any point if they did! I know I’m not relationship material, so to speak. I have far too many limitations. I’m ashamed, embarrassed, and perfectly horrified at even thinking such a thing. And yet, there it is. Somewhere deep within is the stupid part of me that never gives up hope, refuses to accept reality. I have worked hard for a long time to eradicate this part of me. But alas, it seems my efforts have not been altogether successful.

Two and a half hours to go. I swear if the damn clock ticks any louder it’ll shatter the windows! Or my eardrums!

Finally, a productive day! Well, yesterday was productive in that I did get that tower situation taken care of. But today I got even more done and feel good about it.

First I went into town and bought food. I like food! 🙂 Brrrr! The mornings are getting cool now. It was still in the mid 30s when I headed to town, up from a low of 26 when I awoke at dawn. I keep forgetting to put on extra layers for these trips and I was really cold by the time I got home. It could be worse. Two months from now mid 30s (above zero) will qualify as a heat wave!

I took a little break after the shopping trip while waiting for frost to melt and muddy ground to dry up a little. I decided to check the web site of a man who sells antique radio parts and found that he had gotten a few in that I really wanted. Cool! Soon I will have all the parts for my next hobby project. By the way I finally completed the one I had been working on in the Spring. Anyone interested can see it here.

Finally around noon it was dry enough to work around the house without being covered head to toe in  mud.  I managed to get the rest of the plywood on the outside today. Tomorrow I can do the home wrap and the door frame. Hopefully I can get the door installed the following day. Then I can do some annual preparation for winter that is not related to the project but nevertheless needs to be done soon. After that, whatever happens with the weather will not cause me any real headaches. Yay!

I’ve been under a lot of stress lately. It’s not even so much about anxiety any more, it’s what I like to call “real people stress” – that is, the sort of stress everyone experiences in life. Who wouldn’t feel stressed about rapidly approaching winter with their house in a state that is not winter ready and considerable doubt as to whether it can be made ready in the time remaining?

I barely recognize myself and when I look at myself I don’t like what I see. I’ve become grouchy, whiny, always bitching and moaning about something; short tempered, having no patience for any work that doesn’t go smoothly. My mood wasn’t improved much by loss of yet another expensive TV antenna and some of my ham radio antennas in Saturday night’s early winter snow storm.

The broken antennas needed to be removed from an 80 foot tower as soon as possible due to the risk of further damage and the potential for the situation becoming so hazardous they could not be removed without extreme risk. Actually there is an element of danger in any tower work, especially when climbing a structure with a mass of twisted and broken metal dangling awkwardly at the top. But the risk would only increase the longer I waited. I decided instead of doing it the usual way, carefully unbolting each piece and lowering it to the ground on a rope, I would take the quick (but more dangerous) approach: cut everything apart into manageable sections with a saw and throw them off the tower! This is definitely not recommended. One false move and a heavy section could sever a guy wire or shake the very old tower so violently as to cause total collapse. I knew that but had absolute confidence in my ability to do a dangerous thing safely. I wouldn’t spend too much time analyzing that statement. 🙂

I had fun, for the first time in quite a while! I usually enjoy climbing, though I would prefer construction over destruction. Nevertheless, throwing large chunks of antenna, pipe, etc. off the top of an 80 foot tower is exhilarating!  They make a nice satisfying thump when they hit the ground below. I rather imagine I would make a similar thump if ever I fall from there. The twisted pile of metal in the yard now reminds me of some modern art I’ve seen! Maybe I should keep it. I’ll call the technique “gravity sculpting”. Just kidding. I will clean it up sometime soon.

Boo watched the activity from the window with considerable interest, as usual. That is, until the first section hit the ground. He vanished very quickly at that point and was not seen in the window again. He apparently found the thump more terrifying than satisfying.

With any luck, perhaps this good mood I find myself in will carry over into tomorrow. I need to make a run to town for food early, but hope to get back to work on my house after that. I’m very nervous about doing it. The fine dust from cutting plywood will get me all stuffed up and sneezing, beyond any doubt whatsoever – and no matter how many precautions I take. I can only hope it doesn’t cause problems with the still healing hole in my head! With good weather forecast for several days, I am hoping to get the rest of the sheathing done, the house wrap on, and a door installed. An honest to goodness door, you know, with hinges and everything! Yes, there was a door there before I started this project but it has been so long now I barely remember those days!

I don’t recall a time when I could stay focused on one task for long. My mind has always tended to race from thought to thought, often spanning a wide variety of subjects. My actions tend to follow, resulting in multitasking (poorly) when I don’t intend that at all. It’s just the way things have always been. Most of my life I thought it was normal. Lately I have come to realize it isn’t.

Reading comprehension has always been a problem. I may need to read a short paragraph a dozen times before I have any idea what it said. I’m sure it is because I am constantly having “stray” thoughts swirling around my mind while I am reading. Writing follows in a similar vein. I find it very difficult to stay focused on what I am writing about and could easily wander into writing absolute gibberish if I’m not very careful. I proofread every sentence I write, then correct any errors. I go over it several times to be sure — and even then, I’m really never sure something hasn’t escaped my attention. When I finish a paragraph, I go over and over it, trying to be sure it is in fact a paragraph and not several completely unrelated ideas masquerading as a paragraph. And when I finish an article or document I go over the whole thing, again scrutinizing for disjointed or wandering content and trying to correct errors. I often spend hours writing something most people would do in five minutes.

There is no doubt about it. This problem is worse when anxiety or other stress is high. Perhaps there is some degree of normalcy there. But it is becoming very debilitating in its own right. Even when anxiety is low I don’t consider my mental function to be “normal”. The racing thoughts and unintended multitasking are always present to a disturbing degree.

It seems the problem is getting worse. I am increasingly finding it difficult to function, especially when there is more than one task to be completed. The unintended multitasking is getting out of hand. At times I will become so overwhelmed and disorganized that I cannot prioritize or pick a task to focus on. I end up doing nothing because I can’t get a clear enough focus to begin a task.

But it is more than that. Not only are my thoughts racing, but often I seem unable to complete one thought before another takes over. It is hard to describe. It only takes an instant to have a single thought, for example “I need to clean the kitchen”. Yet even that seems too much to ask lately. Instead of thinking “I need to clean the kitchen” the thought that pops into my mind might be “I need to clean the roof before it rains”. This is a combination of two distinct thoughts, both of which are tasks on my to do list. One is “I need to clean the kitchen”. The other is “I need to patch the roof before it rains”. Sometimes more than two thoughts run together and the result is ambiguous even to me. There are times (like right now) I am able to recognize and analyze this. Other times my thoughts are so confused, racing, intermixed that I have no idea what I am even thinking about.

I miss the days when I could think things through and accomplish tasks. Lately I seem to be accomplishing nothing. It is as if my mind has become completely useless, refusing to allow me the luxury of clear thoughts and actions. Yesterday I found myself sitting at the computer wondering why I didn’t have a free hand to type or use the mouse. I had a wet paint brush in one hand and spatula in the other. It turns out I had been cooking dinner and simultaneously painting a home made desk. Somehow two seemingly incompatible tasks were not enough and I ended up at the computer attempting to compose an email. Neither of the other tasks had been completed.

This is positively maddening! I realize I am under a great deal of stress right now and anxiety levels are extremely high. But I have to wonder if I am losing my mind! Maybe this is it. Have I begun a descent to insanity? Perhaps!