Could My Attitude Possibly Be Worse?

Caution: language

I haven’t felt much like writing (or anything else) lately. I have been busy trying to get things in order for winter. I work all day every day and accomplish almost nothing for lack of proper materials. I’m tearing pieces out of my storage buildings, custom sawing some of what I need from it, and using it to rebuild the house. Even so, there are things I need which can’t be obtained that way and working around those problems is further slowing work and causing it to be done in inferior ways. I need a break from the work and the stress but there is no time for a break. I did take one day to do hobby stuff this week but there was no joy in it. There is no joy in anything.

I’ve reached a point where I could easily set fire to the place and watch it burn. Being homeless can’t be as bad as what I’ve been through these last several weeks. I’ve been homeless for relatively short periods, so I have some clue. My attitude couldn’t be much worse. I guess the fact that I’ve had it and am near my breaking point is becoming obvious. My mental health / social workers seem to have realized the thing with the friend who was supposedly willing to help is not going to happen, and that I’m in over my head with the stress of this situation. As a result, a way to obtain enough critical materials to winterize my house has been proposed and is in work. I just hope it isn’t too little too late. The weather is getting much colder now. The ground freezes a little every night but so far mostly thaws during the day. It is critical the ground remain workable for a few days after materials arrive, but just one really cold night could end my rapidly shrinking window of opportunity. The furnace runs twice as much as it should at this time of year, yet the place is always cold and drafty. I wear two and sometimes three layers of heavy clothing inside my home.

Meanwhile the first of several appointments involved with getting dentures had to be postponed. The paperwork for insurance pre-approval has not been completed. I am anxiously awaiting word as to exactly what the problem is, and fearing the worst. If my primary care provider is refusing to sign it, I’m screwed.

I must get myself to a nearby town for a critical appointment next Wednesday. It being the day before Thanksgiving, there is no one available to provide transportation – a fact I was well aware of when I made the appointment, but I took the only time I could get. My financial situation will take a turn for the worse if I don’t make it to the appointment. It is 15 miles of steep hills and I’m not as young (or as healthy) as I used to be. Adding to the fun, snow is predicted for Wednesday. All I can do is give it my best effort. On the one hand I’m determined to make it, not so much due to the financial consequences of not being there, but to prove I’m serious about living without a vehicle in order to have funds to fix my home. Not that I could explain why I still feel that way, given the problems I face getting materials for home repairs. On the other hand I’ll be damned if I give a crap one way or the other – which is pretty much how it is with everything lately.

It’s a Saturday morning and I thought I would be in town at this hour doing errands. But as I started up the street I found my local electric company has a dozen trucks in the road and flaggers directing traffic everywhere. It seems they are just getting around to replacing a pole that was broken by an ice storm in March. F***ing bastards! They’ve no doubt been sitting on the a**es all summer, and now they are out fixing this thing on a day they normally wouldn’t even be working. That is so typical. I’m clearly not up to dealing with all that, so I guess I’m not going to town today.

See what I mean about my attitude? It’s bad. Really bad. I told someone the other day if I could I would kick myself out. I’m really tired of being to tired, stressed out and ugly all the time. I truly admire people who can remain cheerful or see the bright side of things no matter what. I aspire to be that way, but have no idea how to accomplish it.

Admittedly this entire thing with my out of sight stress level and attitude is my own fault. I never should have attempted to do anything to the house without knowing for sure I had an adequate support system in place.  It is impossible to describe the frustration. Had I been able to make one simple phone call, or walk into a store and ask to have a few materials delivered, this project would have been completed (properly) five or six weeks ago. It just goes to show how limited I am. No matter how much I want or need something, it can be out of reach. Even simple things.