I have been reflecting on the almost unprecedented successes of the past couple of weeks, and on the longer term success with my efforts to alleviate power line noise to my ham radio hobby. This summer had its ups and downs, to be sure. Stresses were higher than usual and I will be the first to admit I didn’t handle some of them well. Yet through it all I felt confidence building. From the first very shaky communications with the power company, each one got easier. That stands in sharp contrast to how it has traditionally worked with me. Now it is almost without stress than I pick up the phone to make a call related to that ongoing process. I cannot explain why this particular thing is going so well. It just is.
But it doesn’t end there. As I was preparing my presentation for the club meeting last week, there was none of the expected anxiety. There was instead eager anticipation. I was looking forward to it! Why? Two words come to mind: passion and confidence. I have always been passionate about ham radio, but I have recently found an even greater passion for hunting power line noise and the broader subject of radio frequency interference in any form. It goes beyond motivated self interest. I have a strong desire to help others in these areas, which is why I suggested the formation of a committee for that purpose which I now chair. Confidence comes from hundreds of hours doing research and a sense that I know the subject matter – at least at a level equal to or greater than I could possibly cover in any presentation of practical length.
But it goes beyond even that. As I pick up the phone to make other, unrelated calls, I feel a sense of confidence that was never there before. In that moment when in the past would have had a panic attack, I instead feel the sense that “I can do this. I’ve made those many calls to the power company. This may be different. It may be more scary because it is unfamiliar, but I can do this too.”
I feel it everywhere, in everything I do. I am communicating my feelings and needs better. I am picking up the pace of working on new skills and experiences with my DLS worker and not feeling overwhelmed. Obviously I still have a long way to go but the mountain I have to climb looks less like Mount Everest and more like a long gentle slope. I am excited about life! I am eager to try new things, within reason. I haven’t felt that in many, many years.
So just how much does confidence enter into it? I have long had the sense my struggle was, at least in some considerable measure, largely due to a chronic lack of it. I never felt I had the skills or intelligence to handle everyday situations; consequently I panicked and suffered unrelenting anxiety over every little thing. The presentation stands out as that thing which, of all recent successes, was the most improved over past attempts. It also stands out as being the thing I had the most confidence about. Everywhere else there is some newly discovered sense of confidence but to a lesser extent – and the level of anxiety clearly seems inversely proportional to confidence.