Paul's Reality

Both my city shopping and trip to the dental clinic went rather well.

I was able to get all the items on my shopping list. There was just one “hairy” moment when I was very anxious and nearly panicked. We were at Lowe’s, where I bought supplies for several current projects. Jessica picked up an item she wanted. We had a little glitch checking out. I prefer not to go into details of how it happened, but we got separated. I found myself outside, no Jessica in sight. That in itself was not a problem, but I had visions of her wondering where I went and if I was OK. I couldn’t decide what to do. Should I go back inside and try to find her? Or just wait where I was? If I went back inside, what would I do with the bags of stuff I just bought? I didn’t feel comfortable taking them back inside with me, but I had no safe place to leave them. I was just about to panic, when she came out and saw me. Whew!

This was the first of five trips in the process of getting dentures. Plus I am told there will probably be one or more trips after that for adjustments. This one went reasonably smoothly. I was quite uncomfortable in the waiting room, as always. Once I got in with the dentist and assistants, I was fine.The next appointment has already been scheduled for February 28.

At this point I am apprehensive about future trips. On the way home, Jessica said we could fast track this process by splitting up the remaining trips between her and my case manager. I’m not comfortable with that, but couldn’t force myself to say anything. I’m hoping she will bring the subject up when I see her later this week, and ask if that plan is OK with me. Usually she is very good about asking things like that. If she doesn’t ask about it, I could be in for some trouble.

As it turns out, that ice biking trip Friday night to get cash could have been avoided. But where would be the fun in that? 😉 The cold snap wasn’t as bad as predicted. I ended up walking to town Sunday morning to do some grocery shopping. It was cold! It was 10 degrees (above zero) when I left home, with a light northwest wind probably making the wind chill factor around zero. On the way into town our prevailing northwest winter wind is directly into my face. About half way there the wind suddenly picked up and it was brutally cold. Brrrrr! Despite not being able to feel my ears or fingers, I kept going. The return trip was far more pleasant with the wind at my back.

Yee-haa! You all missed the fun!

By nightfall I was doubting my ability to walk another five miles without dragging for hours. I’m usually tired by that hour and today was no exception. I looked at the weather forecast again… yuck! Finally I decided life’s too short to play it safe all the time. So… I headed out with the bicycle just at dusk. Had to walk it around or across a few patches of black ice, and had to leave it a half mile from my destination. Main Street is a mess (ice and water everywhere).

I got my cash, no problem. By the time I got back to where I left the bike it was too dark to really tell what was ice and what was bare asphalt and sand. Oh well… I figured I’d know soon enough if I hit a patch of black ice! Yup. Definitely. I’m kidding! Mostly. I know the lay of the land pretty well as far as where all the shady spots with permanent winter ice are, and all the spots where water runs across the road and re-freezes at dusk. It was pretty uneventful. The hair on my neck only stood up twice when I felt the wheels sliding just a tad. 😉

So I salvaged the most important errand of the day. I’m all set for Monday. Financially speaking, anyway.

I’m writing this post in lieu of screaming, which would scare Boo. 😉

If days could be rejected for failure to meet acceptable standards, this one would surely be on my reject list. There are days when I wonder what I am doing living independently. Well, more or less independently. What I mean is I am not (yet) in a group home or assisted living facility. If I were to look at my situation objectively (as an outsider would), I don’t see how I could fail to conclude that is where I should be.

It is a beautiful, warm, sunny day; temperature nearly 40 degrees F, no breeze to speak of. Snow is melting. What a perfect day (weather wise) for a trip to town. I had a number of errands to do, some important. I woke up feeling tired and very anxious, which made for a slow start to the day. I became even more anxious, dreading what should be a routine trip to town. I have no explanation for this, other than it may be a side affect of an emotionally challenging week.

By the time I got calmed down enough to venture out, I had missed the window of opportunity on using the ATM (before opening hours). That creates some complications. Monday I have a rare opportunity to shop for items I can neither get in this small town nor order online (hazardous materials > shipping nightmares > no vendor wants to bother). If I don’t get to that ATM before Monday morning, I will have to forget about any such shopping. Not only that, but I lack sufficient funds for the co-payment at the appointment with the denturist Monday. I can pay it, if I pay a significant portion in change. I’m sure they will accept that, but it will raise the bar on stress very considerably. My options on getting to the ATM are not the best: today after closing, which means traversing five miles of icy roads in the dark; tomorrow in a snow storm; or Sunday in bitter cold and high winds. Hmm. I sense a small adventure in the making! Who’s up for skating in the dark? 🙂 Aw, come on… it’ll be fun. Never a dull moment, guaranteed!

On the way to town something happened which completely derailed me. I really don’t want to get into the details, other than to say it was the simplest of human interactions; something which wouldn’t in any way be a bump in the road to any healthy person.  Yet it completely put the brakes on my errand run. I continued on, walked up and down Main Street several times, very nervously; but was unable to enter any place of business or accomplish any of the tasks on my list. Eventually I just gave up and returned home.

As I write this (early afternoon) I am experiencing some digestive system distress due to today’s high anxiety. I’m hoping to get that under control in time to make an evening run to the ATM. That seems the best option, given the weather forecast.

My anxiety level has been sky high for the past several months. True, there have been a number of stressful things going on in my life, but I have had a sense it was more than that. Anxiety was high all the time. I have been experiencing a constant feeling of apprehension, discontent, fear, dread; a persistent uneasiness. This has been of particular concern because it had begun to affect my overall disposition. I have been somewhat grouchy, rarely in a good mood. I am developing a tendency to whine about the way things are going. That is absolutely unacceptable! I have been trying to focus on what is causing this, in order that I might make changes designed to relieve these symptoms. I think (and hope) that effort has begun to bear fruit.

As I’ve said before there is no doubt the present cluttered condition of my living space is partly responsible. I am highly affected by my surroundings. I feel best when things are orderly with a minimum of clutter. Having all this extra crap in my living space due to not finishing the storage area renovation project is not setting well with me. I look around the living room, ham shack, or bedroom and feel almost nauseated. I get the urge to open a window and just throw everything out. There is little I can do until warmer weather returns and I can finish the ill fated project. It will be a very high priority in the Spring.

Then, too, there has been a sense that I am never relaxed. I have long counted on my hobby to provide distraction and relaxation, but it is not so effective any more. Extreme interference from defective electrical devices in the neighborhood have made doing any kind of serious long distance, weak signal radio work (the kind I find most relaxing) very difficult. The FCC would no doubt be happy to apply some pressure to the owners of offending devices, but they would expect me to do my part: communicating with neighbors and trying to work with them to solve the problem. Since that is completely out of the question, I am stuck with no means of seeking relief.

About a year ago I began to explore a new facet of the hobby which I hoped would help: building antique radio equipment. It does help, but only when there is building to be done. That is infrequent due to the time required to locate antique parts. Most of the time, this facet of hobby does not do much for one who seeks distraction or stress relief from it. There is an old saying about putting all your eggs in one basket. I have too many of my eggs in the antique radio building basket, but where to redistribute some of them remains a mystery. I need to find other, more reliable, activities that are relaxing.

My pursuit of building antique radio gear has also been getting me into frequent trouble. Although I love the building and having the old gear around, perhaps this isn’t a suitable aspect of the hobby for me. Or perhaps I just need to change the way I approach it. The recent burst of energy I described was a manifestation of intense anxiety – nervous energy, fueled by emotional turmoil and inability to calm down. This was a result of attempted negotiation to buy some antique parts in a manner too far outside my comfort zone. This isn’t the first time that has happened, but I am resolved to make it the last. There arose the question of how to do that.

When I started my quest to explore this facet of the hobby I joined an online forum devoted to it. It was wonderful – or so I thought. I received a lot of support, encouragement and advice for which I am most grateful. I very much enjoyed the friendly, often light hearted and jocular banter. But I also had an unfortunate tendency to get myself into difficult situations. It is altogether too tempting to ask if anyone knows where to find a particular old part that is needed for a project. Occasionally, someone will have the item and be willing to part with it. It seems simple enough, but I found completing negotiations too often a source of intense anxiety. I wish I could remain a member and refrain from using it as a means to seek needed items, but the fact is that isn’t realistic. I will find myself in want of getting a project started, but missing an item or two, and I will give in to the temptation to ask in the forum. I’ve decided the only way to prevent further problems is to leave the group. My heart is heavy at this decision but I feel it is for the best. It is the first time I ever felt uncomfortable enough to leave a ham radio related forum.

I don’t much believe in signs, omens, or what have you but sometimes things happen that make me stop and wonder. One of the items in the recent disastrous negotiation is a little thing I’ve been hunting for many months. Less than 24 hours after termination of that negotiation, one has turned up on eBay. It is hard not to wonder if that is a sign I did the right thing in leaving the group. eBay is a comfortable venue and I intend to go after the item aggressively.

I am trying to get motivated this morning. Yesterday I had a burst of energy and managed to make some headway cleaning my house and organizing. I wish I could stay in and do more of the same today, as I’m still in the proper frame of mind for it. But I must go out and do errands today. There are several to be done, but unless I can somehow manage the backpack I will only be able to do one per trip. I may be able to do two trips today, if I get moving soon. But two will not cover everything. It would take four or five trips without the pack (20 to 25 miles!), one or two trips with it.

I am upset with myself. Jessica had to cancel Monday. She called to let me know and see what I had on my agenda for the day, expressing concern about having to cancel and “force” me to do more walking. Two weeks ago I let it slip that I was not adapting to the new lifestyle as well as I had hoped. I wish I hadn’t done that.

The first of the several appointments related to getting dentures has been scheduled for next Monday. Weather permitting of course. The plan is to leave early and have a chance to shop for a few things that I cannot get here in this small town. That will be a long and stressful day.

I must get moving! Time is slipping away.

Apparently my heart is still strong. Otherwise, I surely would have died of a heart attack last week!

The reader may recall I had gotten a couple of letters stating that MaineCare was planning to deny my application to have them cover the cost of dentures. A letter writing campaign on my part led to some additional paperwork being submitted in the matter, but MaineCare refused to consider it on a technicality relating to how it was filed. It looked very much like I had lost and the request would ultimately be denied.

When I got another letter last week, I expected it to be a final notification of denial. Imagine my shock when I opened it and found they had approved the application! MaineCare will pay for a full set of dentures! What a relief. Now I won’t have to wait several more months and use up what little emergency cash reserve I have to cover that cost… and, this should reduce anxiety. Being without teeth these last few months most certainly has made everyday errands much harder to deal with. (On the other hand, however, being free of pain and off antibiotics is not to be underestimated)

There will, of course, be some logistics to be worked out, this process necessarily involving several trips to the city some 35 miles distant.

I realized today it has been over a month since my last blog entry! Where does the time go when you’re having fun?

Fun? Interesting choice of words. It seems that first walking trip to town was the one and only using the backpack. I immediately began having what amounted to nightmares about the experience, and anxiety attacks forced me to abandon the approach on every subsequent trip. I feel as though the pack is an invitation to trouble. It seems like wearing a huge sign that says “Ask me if I need help”!!! Of course the very last thing I want or need is people asking if I need help.

So, I’ve resorted to plan B. That means more frequent trips, buying only what I can comfortably carry home in a couple of shopping bags each time. On average, I have been walking to town once a day since late December. Occasionally I accept a ride from my DLS worker and I get to skip a couple of days. Sometimes I get behind due to weather or other important duties (shoveling snow from the drive, removing snow and ice from roofs, and so on) and then must make two errand runs in a single day. On one or two occasions I have fit three trips (nearly 15 miles total) into one day. I am not looking for pity! Remember, I chose this lifestyle. I will make it work!

I found out just how out of shape I was, despite having been using the bicycle all summer. I was sore, constantly tired bordering on exhaustion, and had blisters on both feet for the first three weeks. It is getting easier now. My body is getting accustomed to the routine, and I am “remembering” some tricks of this game. Remembering? In truth it is more like rediscovering quite by accident. What sort of tricks? The obvious, mostly! For example, periodically rotating the arm carrying goods so that for a time the palm faces forward, then for a time it faces backward shifts the load between muscle groups. This in turn reduces fatigue, allows carrying more weight with fewer tedious load swaps from one arm to the other. Tedious? Trust me, when you’re wearing very thick insulated gloves or mitts to prevent frostbite in sub-freezing, windy conditions, swapping a load of two or three plastic shopping bags from one hand to the other without setting them in the salty slush underfoot is tedious. 🙂

Fringe benefit! I’ve lost a few pounds!

Winter is finally setting in. Roads are snow covered or icy most of the time now. I will be walking from now through some time in March or April depending on when Spring conditions arrive.

Yesterday I made my first grocery run since the transition. I have been wondering how this would go. I knew my anxiety was going to have something to say about me walking to town with my big hiking backpack. I was right. I had several false starts. I would get all set to go, including several layers of clothing due to the cold, take on step out the door and feel intense anxiety/panic set in. I think it was the 7th or 8th attempt on which I finally got underway. Every time I put the pack on, it freaked out poor Boo. He went into hiding.

I was very tense the whole way to the store and back. I felt like everyone must be starting at this dude walking up the street in winder wearing a backpack. I kept expecting someone to stop and ask if I needed help. Horrors! I hoped no one would. As luck would have it, no one did!

All in all this went far better than expected. It was a four mile round trip which took about an hour and a half, not counting time spent in the store. That time should come down to about an hour and fifteen minutes after I have done it several times. Something just over three miles per hour is the best I can do even when I am in good shape.

I am getting behind on the blog.

Friday, December 23rd I decided to buy myself a couple of presents. So I walked to the credit union (5 miles round trip) in a snow storm to deposit funds, then came home and ordered the stuff.

Christmas went well. It was good visiting with my brother. He got me a really cool Blu-ray player (upgrade from my old DVD player), which also streams content from Netflix. Now I can watch Netflix streaming content on the big TV from the relative comfort of the couch in a warm room, as opposed to in a tiny window on a computer monitor sitting in an office chair in my very drafty hobby room. Boo like this arrangement much better too. 🙂

I had a very good day yesterday. For the first time in years I managed to call and order heating oil on my own!

Today hasn’t been so great. The oil company invoice doesn’t tell me the amount of a credit I had on my account. It just lists the total cost of oil they delivered. I had lost track of how much credit I had, so there is no way for me to know how much of this amount I actually owe. If I can find out and pay by next Tuesday I get a discount. I don’t think my chances of calling them and sorting this out before then are all that great, but you never know.

I got a letter from MaineCare. After all the trouble I went through convincing my primary care provider to submit an argument in favor of the dentures, MaineCare refuses to consider her argument because it was submitted directly to them and not through the denturist on the pre-approval application.  What it all boils down to is this: the dental clinic screwed up any chance I might have had by submitting an application that was incomplete. I have calmed down a lot but still have a nagging feeling it may have been done deliberately to improve their bottom line.

I haven’t done much in the last week. I’m letting the dust settle. I have spent time doing fun things at the computer and spent many hours watching movies and old TV shows streamed over the internet. Despite not doing much there have been several important developments.

Jessica and I talked at some length about the current issues in my life. We also discussed the matter of getting comfortable with restaurants. She wanted to order food from a local establishment on Wednesday, and have the two of us go and pick it up. I know she wanted this to be a little something “special” on our last day before the holidays. She is taking two well deserved weeks off. But I panicked and would not consent to attempting this. Since I am unable to discuss my issues with restaurants verbally, I asked if I could write it down and hand it to her. I spent two days struggling to write a letter only to find myself unable to hand it over. If she had brought the subject up the next time I saw her I think it would have worked fine. I tried to bring up the subject but was rendered mute by anxiety and could not utter a word nor even a squeak. Wednesday we went out and did two errands I had been struggling with (credit union to make a deposit and town office to pay a tax bill), then grocery shopping.

I’m very disgusted with myself. I completely spaced out and forgot to get a Christmas card for Jessica before our last meeting. I can’t believe I did that!

On Thursday I got a call from my case manager whom I hadn’t seen in some time. We were supposed to meet last week but she called to confirm when I was in the middle of a major panic and I was not able to answer. She doesn’t know me well yet and mistakenly took no answer to mean I had forgotten our appointment and was not home. But I digress. Getting back to her call this week… she said she hadn’t talked to Jessica lately but I got a funny feeling she might have, from what she said to my answering machine before I picked up. I got the distinct impression she was aware of what happened last week. She came out here on Friday. Mostly we talked about my issues with the house, the dental situation, and my concerns about not being able to maintain this lifestyle. She asked how things were going with Jessica and DLS. I said it is going great but Jessica has the next two weeks off. To make a long story short, my case manager is coming out again Monday, and will take me to that very important appointment next Friday. We agreed to decide at that time whether and when to meet the following week.

I got a call from Jessica. She had received a call from my primary care provider’s office. It seems my PCP decided to sign the paperwork for MaineCare pre-approval after all. Perhaps it was my letter that did it. We don’t know exactly what she submitted for comments, if anything. I can only hope it was positive.

My case manager is going to contact MaineCare and see if she can get the deadline extended. She is also planning to make an attempt to “strong arm” my therapist into talking to her and/or me.  It will be interesting to see how that goes.

Upon being promised I would not even have to walk through the door if I didn’t feel up to it, I agreed at the last minute to let my case manager come and get me this past Friday afternoon and take me to their company Christmas party, which is open to both employees and clients. I did go in for a few minutes but that was enough for me. I wanted to stay and meet people but it was too noisy for me. I couldn’t hear what anybody was saying and the high noise level was quickly getting on my nerves. But at least I did attempt it.

I’m feeling quite a lot calmer but still worried and depressed.