My anxiety level has been sky high for the past several months. True, there have been a number of stressful things going on in my life, but I have had a sense it was more than that. Anxiety was high all the time. I have been experiencing a constant feeling of apprehension, discontent, fear, dread; a persistent uneasiness. This has been of particular concern because it had begun to affect my overall disposition. I have been somewhat grouchy, rarely in a good mood. I am developing a tendency to whine about the way things are going. That is absolutely unacceptable! I have been trying to focus on what is causing this, in order that I might make changes designed to relieve these symptoms. I think (and hope) that effort has begun to bear fruit.
As I’ve said before there is no doubt the present cluttered condition of my living space is partly responsible. I am highly affected by my surroundings. I feel best when things are orderly with a minimum of clutter. Having all this extra crap in my living space due to not finishing the storage area renovation project is not setting well with me. I look around the living room, ham shack, or bedroom and feel almost nauseated. I get the urge to open a window and just throw everything out. There is little I can do until warmer weather returns and I can finish the ill fated project. It will be a very high priority in the Spring.
Then, too, there has been a sense that I am never relaxed. I have long counted on my hobby to provide distraction and relaxation, but it is not so effective any more. Extreme interference from defective electrical devices in the neighborhood have made doing any kind of serious long distance, weak signal radio work (the kind I find most relaxing) very difficult. The FCC would no doubt be happy to apply some pressure to the owners of offending devices, but they would expect me to do my part: communicating with neighbors and trying to work with them to solve the problem. Since that is completely out of the question, I am stuck with no means of seeking relief.
About a year ago I began to explore a new facet of the hobby which I hoped would help: building antique radio equipment. It does help, but only when there is building to be done. That is infrequent due to the time required to locate antique parts. Most of the time, this facet of hobby does not do much for one who seeks distraction or stress relief from it. There is an old saying about putting all your eggs in one basket. I have too many of my eggs in the antique radio building basket, but where to redistribute some of them remains a mystery. I need to find other, more reliable, activities that are relaxing.
My pursuit of building antique radio gear has also been getting me into frequent trouble. Although I love the building and having the old gear around, perhaps this isn’t a suitable aspect of the hobby for me. Or perhaps I just need to change the way I approach it. The recent burst of energy I described was a manifestation of intense anxiety – nervous energy, fueled by emotional turmoil and inability to calm down. This was a result of attempted negotiation to buy some antique parts in a manner too far outside my comfort zone. This isn’t the first time that has happened, but I am resolved to make it the last. There arose the question of how to do that.
When I started my quest to explore this facet of the hobby I joined an online forum devoted to it. It was wonderful – or so I thought. I received a lot of support, encouragement and advice for which I am most grateful. I very much enjoyed the friendly, often light hearted and jocular banter. But I also had an unfortunate tendency to get myself into difficult situations. It is altogether too tempting to ask if anyone knows where to find a particular old part that is needed for a project. Occasionally, someone will have the item and be willing to part with it. It seems simple enough, but I found completing negotiations too often a source of intense anxiety. I wish I could remain a member and refrain from using it as a means to seek needed items, but the fact is that isn’t realistic. I will find myself in want of getting a project started, but missing an item or two, and I will give in to the temptation to ask in the forum. I’ve decided the only way to prevent further problems is to leave the group. My heart is heavy at this decision but I feel it is for the best. It is the first time I ever felt uncomfortable enough to leave a ham radio related forum.
I don’t much believe in signs, omens, or what have you but sometimes things happen that make me stop and wonder. One of the items in the recent disastrous negotiation is a little thing I’ve been hunting for many months. Less than 24 hours after termination of that negotiation, one has turned up on eBay. It is hard not to wonder if that is a sign I did the right thing in leaving the group. eBay is a comfortable venue and I intend to go after the item aggressively.
Hi Paul,
Before anything there’s something I’ve been meaning to say for some time: Thanks for your replies to my previous comments. I always read your answers and appreciate them!:) By the way, I often feel like commenting more, but I think it’s more productive to go to the next blog entry, as subjects that are still being dealt with will end up coming up again and provide opportunity for further exploration anyway.
I can really relate to the issues you mention in this entry. I am also highly affected by my environment and do feel more depressed and anxious looking at the mess around me. Every pile of out-of-place boxes, paper clutter etc, seem to be telling me how incompetent I am at achieving or taking care of things in my life, even simple ones like keeping my surroundings tidy.
Well this year I decided to do something about it and it is helping me a bit. I decided to postpone the ultimate goal of having everything neatly organized (which will take so long a time that I never have the motivation to start working towards it!), and settling for a temporary improvement: I am placing all junk in just one place (basement)! It’s not a solution, by any means, since the basement is also an area of our house we use and would like to improve. But at least it will keep most of the mess away from my view most of the time. I think that if I can have at least a few environments well arranged, I will be able to relax and feel better in them, until I can make the whole place livable and presentable!
I’m not sure if you could do something similar in your house, like setting one space in it only to keep the mess temporarily, and having the other areas neat and tidy, but I thought of mentioning it just in case. Although I am still in the process of moving everything out of my view, seeing the improvements seems to have also improved my outlook on this situation a little. 🙂
As for the forum situation, I wonder if most people, even after reading your explanations, will be able to understand why you left it. Would they understand what it is like to have to give up things we enjoy because of the weird limitations anxiety and depression impose on us? Probably not, I guess. Of course I totally do! I feel sad that you had to do it, and wish so much it could have been different, but I do understand. In fact I ended up having to do something similar recently. I decided to leave the Anxiety Depression group due to my own anxiety and depression related difficulties in dealing with people, even in a web environment. Thinking about it, it’s funny to have to leave an Anxiety and Depression list due to having Anxiety and Depression. 🙂 But anyway. In my case, the need to leave had to do with being hurt by what I perceive as indifference and unresponsiveness on the part of some people there. Though nobody has been openly rude or ugly to me, I feel people may not like me and do not want me around. I “know” it’s not the case. But “knowing” what it is does not change how I feel. If I were more “normal” I would be able to deal with those feelings. I would accept that most of this is probably just my depression speaking. I would even be able to live with the fact that maybe some people there may actually do not care for me, and don’t be bothered by that, since most people do seem to care. However I can’t do it. After feeling hurt and anxious about the situation for too long, i decided to leave in order to better preserve my flimsy emotional and mental balance.
I think that the catalyst for finally leaving was the fact that I have less access and time to use the internet now. It just felt silly to use this time to do something that was bringing me mostly grief. I will use my limited time to focus on other venues and resources that seem to help me more at this point (your blog is definitely one of them!!!:).
Well sorry to go on for so long. My point is that I do get what you went through regarding the forum. I am happy that e-bay is a comfortable environment for you and you can get the parts you want there. A way to look at this more positively: ok your anxiety stopped you from being in the forum and getting the parts you wanted there. But it did not stop you from getting the parts you want elsewhere. So, it did not win!:))
It’s a fight after all, a fight against our limitations, and through this fight, obviously we at least get to learn a lot about how to be resourceful!:)
Best wishes,
Nadia
Hi Nadia,
As for the replies, you are most welcome. I understand it can be devastating to people with out type of issues to feel as though they are being ignored. I will always reply, though as you’ve seen, it sometimes takes me a little while.
I’m sorry you are affected by your surroundings. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone! But at the same time, it is nice to know I am not the only one. I have been practicing the “all junk in one place” technique for years. Yes, it helps. My current problem is lack of that “one place” to put it. With my storage area out of service pending completion of the rebuild of that part of the house, things are crammed here, there, and everywhere. Ugh. It would help a lot if I didn’t have a hobby that involves building stuff. I have SO MANY parts around… but if I get rid of them, I won’t be able to build stuff.
I don’t really expect people to understand why I left the forum… or anything about my anxiety, for that matter.
I’m sorry you had to leave the D/A group. But I do understand! To be honest, I have thought about leaving it too. Not that I have had any problems there, but I just can’t seem to keep up. I feel bad that I’m not responding to more posts there, and wonder why I remain. I have gotten so far behind a few times lately, that I have had to just give in and delete all posts (I get them via email) because I was totally overwhelmed. I probably missed some of yours, which I am very sorry about! I think I will stick mostly to this blog and a emailing a few good friends from the D/A group. It is easier for me to keep up with these things.
Very best wishes,
Paul