Lately I’ve been thinking about how much time I spend alone. I calculated the percentages. It was a very simple problem. The only people I see are my case manager, daily living support services worker, therapist, occasionally some other professional, and clerks at the local stores where I shop. Since most of the shopping and therapist / professional visits are done with either my case manager or daily living support services worker, I know precisely how much time in an average week I spend around others: 3%. So 97% of the time I’m alone.
You would think being alone would be fine with me but it isn’t. I would like to spend more time with others. The problem is how to do it safely. I have never really had friends. I have acquaintances but rarely see any of them. Given my limitations, having friends would be very difficult. Most people are unable to comprehend the nature of my condition or that pushing myself to do too much can land me in crisis if not the emergency room. Just to pick an example, it is hard for people to understand (or remember) I can help with a construction project if it is a small group but I can’t handle going out to eat afterward. All too often I’ve volunteered for something that seemed safe only to find out there was more on the agenda than I was told and ended up paying for it. I rarely volunteer any more and even more rarely get asked because I’ve turned down invitations too many times.
This morning started out just like yesterday. I awoke early experiencing intense anxiety. Again it wasn’t focused on any one thing, just a general feeling of doom, dread, fear. I felt somewhat better after being up for a few hours, forced myself to go and do two very brief errands. I was very anxious while out.
Shortly after returning home I heard on the ham radio that one of the guys who was going to help the club set up for an event tomorrow couldn’t make it due to a family emergency. Was it safe to volunteer? As far as I knew there would be just two others helping today and it shouldn’t take more than a couple of hours. I know both of them and am reasonably comfortable with them. It seemed like something I could handle. I offered to assist and one of the guys picked me up a few minutes later. It went well and it was good to get out of the house! This week I’ve spent a whopping 4% of my time with others!
I would very much like to attend that event tomorrow. It is basically a flea market for ham radio stuff, although these small ones tend to be more of a social gathering. There will be some people there who I’ve spent a lot of time chatting with on the radio or via email and on-line chat but have never met. They are from some distance away so opportunities to meet them are rather limited. Now that I think about it, there will also be one there who lives just one mile from me and I’ve never met him either. He moved to this town at least three years ago, maybe (probably) more. I guess that says something about how often I get out!
I just don’t know if I’m up to it. At least 100 people are expected, maybe more. That’s a lot for me! More than likely the biggest problem will be several all wanting to talk to me at the same time. I can handle one or two but more than that I get bogged down in anxiety trying to keep up. The only thing working in my favor is that all of these people share my hobby so I feel I have something in common with them. For the most part, conversation will be limited to hobby topics which I am comfortable with. Since this event is being held just a mile and a half from my home (moved here from another location starting this year – it’s an annual event), I am apprehensive that one or two of those I have not met but share similar interests with may want to come to my home and see my radio setup after the flea market. My home is a mess and I don’t have the time or energy to get it all cleaned up before tomorrow! Clutter has been accumulating lately as I’ve really been in the throws of anxiety and overwhelmed by all that is going on or needs to be going on. I will decide whether I should try to attend when I get up and see how I’m feeling tomorrow morning. It’s a risk, but one I may take if I feel good tomorrow.
When it comes to becoming more social, for me what helped me was to start small, just one day a week, I started with Weight Watchers meetings by the way. Then I started a language course once a week too, with a small class. And that’s about it, I kind of stayed small, really I’ll never be very social but things got better. It helps me a lot to have some limited social interaction.
Regarding the event tomorrow: something that helps me in similar situations is to say Ok, I’ll go, but I’ll stay just for x min, or leave immediately if I don’t feel comfortable. I like that because it takes me out of my comfort zone and forces me to try to be social, but I still keep the feeling of having a safety net so to speak. I also like to go prepared to deal with any request I am not ready for, by having a rehearsed phrase I can use, something like, “Sorry but today I cant’, I have another commitment after this and actually have to leave very soon”. It’s not a lie, you know. My commitment may be needing to be alone to keep my sanity (that’s how I feel often!), something that is true but nobody needs to know.
Also if I really feel too bad and end up being unable to do something I planned to, I try not to be hard on myself. It’s not the end of teh world, there will be other opportunities.
Whatever you do, hope it works out well, and let us know!