I awoke very early this morning with overwhelming anxiety. I was shaking, sweating, had a gnawing feeling in my stomach, a tightness in my chest, thoughts racing but very chaotic and disjointed. I had a feeling of impending doom but without focus, not for any specific reason or about any particular calamity that I could discern from the jumble in my mind. I tried to focus my thoughts on something calming, but could not. I got up but was so shaky I could barely stand. I have no idea what triggered this as I was fine when I went to bed last night. This is most perplexing because just two days ago I’d had a swing in the opposite direction, toward being more functional and competent.
I experience seasonal variation in anxiety. It is lowest in the dead of winter, rising throughout the spring; it peaks during spring and summer, diminishing again as fall wears on, and reaching minimum around the shortest days of early winter. This is an underlying pattern that I am well aware of. It has been this way as long as I can remember. I attribute the seasonal variation to two things. I’m convinced one factor is the length of days. My anxiety always peaks around the longest days of the year and reaches minimum at the shortest days. I believe this is because I feel more comfortable going outside or traveling anywhere when it is dark. I feel a certain invisibility, as though masked by darkness, not observed or watched as much, able to hide easily using cover of darkness if I become panicky or overwhelmed. The second contributing factor is likely to be the number of people around. There are many more people here in summer, what with tourism and summer homes/cottages. The streets, stores, and virtually any place one can go are more crowded in summer.
I also experience situational variation. My anxiety tends to be lower when I’m not facing a lot of “must do” challenges or anxiety producing situations. The more I have on my to do list, the higher my anxiety. I easily get bogged down to the point of being in crisis if I’m faced with more than one or two difficult tasks or problems at any given time. Typically, depending on the situation and how quickly it gets resolved, the situational variation produces shorter spikes or waves superimposed on the seasonal variation.
Then there is sporadic variability. For no apparent reason whatsoever, I sometimes experience drastic swings in either direction without warning. These tend to produce very short periods of either much lower or much higher anxiety. This week is a good example of both. I’m still near my seasonal anxiety peak. Situational anxiety is high, as I have many very difficult challenges and some seemingly unresolvable dilemmas facing me. Anxiety has been high and function low for many weeks. Yet just two days ago I experienced a sudden drop in anxiety and increase in ability to function.
I had ordered a large, heavy computer desk from an on-line vendor. It was a big risk and I knew it. Since the desk was being shipped freight, I would be getting a call prior to delivery. That is risky because I’m not always able to answer the phone. This is almost always the case if I don’t know who is calling, and sometimes even if I do know. The second risk would be dealing with the truck driver upon delivery. I often panic and either pass out or become paralyzed with intense fear when someone comes to the door. Although I hate to admit it, I also had doubts about my physical abilities in this case. I would be expected to take the two heavy boxes (about 100 pounds each) from the high tailgate of the truck (18 wheeler) and bring them into my home. I’m very out of shape right now and was not certain of being able to handle the boxes without injury. I would also be expected to inspect the boxes for signs of damage. If any was noted, I was to ask the driver to wait while I opened them to inspect the contents, and if the contents were damaged call the vendor I bought the desk from before signing for the delivery. I knew not all of this would happen, and was just hoping there were no outward signs of damage!
For no identifiable reason, I handled the phone call prior to delivery and the delivery itself without major issues. I felt panicky, but I worked through it and accomplished what I needed to. The shipping cartons were pristine, but during unpacking I discovered a broken part. The instructions said call the manufacturer directly if anything is damaged. Any other day in the last three months there would have been absolutely no way I could do that. But on that day, somehow I called them and got the situation resolved easily.
Here I am just two days later: a quivering, sweating, barely breathing rat’s nest of anxiety bordering on panic. I have no idea why these wild swings occur. It doesn’t seem to be related to any psychological or situational factor. Could it be physiological? Is some abrupt change in brain chemistry or function taking place to cause this? I have no idea. It remains a perplexing mystery.
I have seasonal variation with my depression. I’m so much worse in the winter & I am dreading it coming on. I get real anxious even thinking about it. The shortens daylight makes me depressed mostly. It doesn’t make sense to me, though, ’cause I’m a night person as far as my energy level goes up at night & I feel more accomplished at night. So, it’s conflicting.
As I commented on the d/a site, I can pretty much only handle one thing to do at a time. If I have a doctor appointment for the day…that’s my day. I’m done. Sometimes, I can handle going to the doctor & then grocery shopping or something along those lines, but for the most part I’m done. If I do anything round the house, it’s one thing. Cleaning the entire house is out of the question. That is one thing I miss about having my “highs” of my Bipolar disorder. Well, I still didn’t complete things, only pieces of things, but I did get more done than when depressed. Now, with medication, I’m more stable & better than before, but I’m mostly always on the depressed side. Today I’m a bit up & talkative. A lot of the conflicting things you describe reminds me of my Bipolar disorder.
I told you how I am with the phone. I’m not as bad as you, but I’m not good with it. I almost CANNOT make calls even to my husband & kids. They call me. If I have to call the doctor’s office or some other place, I get panicky & sweaty & start having anxiety & can’t breathe. It’s stupid when it comes down to it I think on my behalf & I don’t understand it. Not sure where that come from other than I have the problem being around people so I guess that carries over to phone calls & people coming to my door does me the same way. I have NOT answered the door for people I even know before due to anxiety about it.
It very well could be brain chemistry being much of your problem. I have determined that mine is a mixture of things & I’m pretty certain that’s part of it ’cause absolutely everything can be fine & dandy & I’m freaking out. My therapist even agrees that sometimes my moods swing etc whether anything is going on or not. So, there’s got to be some brain malfunctioning going on.
Hope you get the desk error resolved okay. How long will you have to wait on delivery? Hopefully, you’ll be on the up side when they bring the replacement. Good luck.
Angel
I was wondering if you tried to track food consumption and exercise with anxiety levels to see if there’s a connection there. I find that there’s a slight connection between coffee and my anxiety, which works like this: if I already have a cause to be anxious, coffee makes it worse. If I don’t have a cause, coffee is ok.
Exercise: regular exercise seems to noticeably lower my anxiety in general. However if I’m in crisis mode already, the effect is less strong or non-existent.
I’m replying to two comments at once, in case this seems confusing 🙂
I was expecting the part for the desk today. UPS tracking says it is on the truck for delivery but it is rather late for UPS deliveries here now. They may have tried earlier while I was out. If the package requires a signature, they wouldn’t have been able to leave it.
There is a connection between food and anxiety with me. Caffeine actually helps lower my anxiety. I feel less anxious and can do more when consuming caffeine than when not. I know that is exactly the opposite of the way it usually works! I also focus much better when I have caffeine in my system. Recently, my primary care provider and therapist have suggested there may be something going on with me that has never been diagnosed. It seems caffeine may have this affect on people with ADD. That may explain why I have always had so much trouble staying focused and tend to jump from task to task without completing anything.
The other food connection is that when I’m very anxious I tend to crave and consume junk food. I’ve gained 20 pounds in the last three months… 🙁
Exercise seems to work similarly for me. It helps lower my anxiety when it is just low-level everyday anxiety. When I’m really stressed out with too many sources of anxiety and too many pressures, exercise just seems to make me grouchy if it has any affect at all.