As the reality of my situation sinks in I am even more depressed and anxiety is through the roof. I feel as though I’ve been gutted. Every day I try to find some way to feel better, to get something done, to find some way past this problem. But it as as if something inside has died or is so utterly defeated and exhausted it refuses to fight any more.
The reality is I cannot survive without a vehicle. When I have the expense of vehicle ownership I cannot fix up my home. I keep trying to figure some way around that, but the fact is that’s the situation. This is the only comfortable home I have ever known. It is the first place I could feel at ease and get some break from constant severe anxiety. But there are issues with this place that could very well make it unsuitable for habitation at any time. No matter how I look at it, the inescapable conclusion is my days here are numbered unless some solution to the transportation problem can be found. I don’t know where I am going after I am forced out of my home. I cannot imagine going back to an apartment, and the honest truth is I would much rather die than suffer that constant, grinding, unrelenting severe anxiety again. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if I end up homeless. In fact, I expect that to be my fate.
It would be easy to say this is all for lack of having some way to get to a town 15 miles away twice a month or so. That is a big part of it, and perhaps the most immediate. But there is more to it than that. The very first winter I find myself without case workers to prevent disaster, I will be without heat. It has happened before and it will happen again. I am not making any progress toward being able to obtain heating oil on my own. In fact I have taken a step backward on that. The first spring I find myself without case workers I will have a major reduction of income and will lose health insurance. I am no closer to being able to sustain those things on my own either. Those are just the certain disasters. Any number of other, non-recurring things could result in similar calamity. If I find myself without workers before I am able to get a vehicle of my own, I stand a chance of losing all of my income.
Looking back over my life I try to see if there was a time I went wrong, a road not taken, a road taken in error, an opportunity missed. I don’t know why I seem compelled to search for an explanation. I just cannot seem to accept this was an inevitable outcome, that it could not have been prevented somehow. Maybe I just need to find a way to blame myself. But no matter how hard I try, I cannot see what I might have missed.
Given that I see no possibility of this place being my long term home, I have lost all interest in working on it. There is no money to start new projects, but I can’t even force myself to work on things I already have supplies for. It just doesn’t matter any more.
Through it all I still desperately try to figure out solutions to these problems, but it is nothing more than an endless circle. The only answer to being able to maintain my home and keep it habitable is finding an alternative to vehicle ownership – but I cannot identify any options not already explored and failed. The other issues – being without heat, losing my income and health insurance, etc. are just as bad. I can identify no means of circumventing such problems when and if I lose the services that keep me afloat. With the financial crisis and programs being cut it is undoubtedly just a matter of time.
For weeks I have been unable to work on any of the smaller issues. I’m too stressed and down to be able to handle it. I’m just wasting time and services that someone with a realistic chance of getting better should be getting. I’m thinking about ending those services. If I am ultimately going to and up homeless and in crisis anyway, why not just get it over with.
Hi Paul,
Just saw your two last entries. No time now but I’ll come back to comment as soon as I can. Things are not great with me either and preparing to lose our house as well I can relate to not bothering to work on your house. I’ll write more later but I was wondering if there is anything you can still count as positive to hold on to in your situation, anything? I know sometimes there’s nothing we can think of. If you can think of anything, let us know.
Best wishes,
Nadia
Hi Paul,
Just a few comments:
1.This car situation is really tough. I wish this country had better public transportation, there’s so many people who for one reason or another can’t own or even drive a car and there are no resources for them at all. They have a service here in the Atlanta area who picks up and drops people with disabilities, you have to arrange it and it’s not great or very reliable from what I know, I see often people with deficiencies waiting for this service sometimes for a very long time, they even call complaining and such. But at least it works in that people can go do their shopping and most basic things now and then. Just wondering if there would be something similar in your area but I’m guessing if there was you woudl know about it already.
2. I don’t think you missed anything or did anything wrong, I think it’s just how life is, the advantages and disadvantages people have often seem to be pretty randomly distributed.
3. Sometimes when I am too stressed I feel paralized, like I can’t do anything, it’s just too much and I kind of shut down or something. It usually gets better on its own at some point. Hope the same happens to you soon.
4. Was just wondering if in part you’re feeling so down because if you lose your services you may lose contact with a person who is important for you and you feel attached to somehow. Knowing that (if it is in fact the case, I mean) does not help much I guess.
I wish I could be more helpful, if I have any ideas I’ll come back and add them, meanwhile I sincerely wish you the best and that you feel better and that some kind of solution comes up to help you in this difficult situation.
Best wishes,
Your friend Nadia
Hi Nadia,
I think a while back you said moving from your house actually felt like a good thing. I’m wondering if that is still the case?
To reply to your first comment… I’m having a very hard time thinking of any positives this summer. For me, having this house and land is strongly linked to everything I identify myself as being. It’s like… when I lose this place I lose everything I have worked so long to become, and have to start all over trying to become something else… trying to become a different person. It’s hard to describe. Everything that I know, do, feel good about, enjoy… every opportunity to give back to my community… it’s all tied to having land and a home a workshop. So basically losing this place would be like losing my identity, my uniqueness, my limited ability to contribute to my community… all gone. It’s just an unbelievably crushing blow.
Now on to the various points in your second comment…
1.) We have a similar transportation service for the elderly, disabled and low income here. But it comes at a very very high “anxiety cost” due to all the phone calls and all the interaction with drivers (volunteers who use their own car to transport people). It is also noted for being unreliable. Last year I tried to learn to use it with the help of my DLS worker, and they left us stranded the first time out. We were able to get rescued after my worker made several calls. But if that happened when I was alone I would have no choice but try to walk home. Pretty scary stuff in winter when it is 30 degrees below zero!
3.) I know exactly what you mean! I get the same way, like right now. I’m very stressed and very paralyzed. I can barely venture outside my home at all. Things that were easy a few months ago now are almost insurmountable, and things that were not easy are just completely impossible now. Mine doesn’t usually get better on its own. I only get out of these situations with assistance, and that probably means another round of crisis intervention and stirring the pot on services I receive.
4.) Mostly I think it is the sense that keeping my home seems impossible. That is just ripping me apart. I do feel sadness and anxiety about losing one particular worker, but I have known for some time that will be happening at the end of this year anyway, when she finishes school and moves on to a new job.
Very best wishes,
Paul
Hi Paul,
I feel a bit conflicted about leaving my house to be honest. I’m not that attached to it as we never planned to stay here long, as it has issues as a long term place. On the other hand it is a nice place, we have privacy, silence and comfort here, and it is what I’ve been calling home for the last 5 or so years; most of all I guess, we will probably be going to a worse situation due to our finances and I know I may miss what we have here and have many difficulties adapting, and accepting the shortcomings a new place will likely have, like noise, lack of privacy (meeting people in elevators and so on, which my husband and I don’t like very much). This is what worries me & stresses me most regarding moving, again, as you see, not so much leaving here, but fear as to where we’re going. As this is bound to happen, however, I am trying to see the good sides of moving, which are many, such as having a smaller place to clean, being able to leave & travel without worrying about the house security (we’re probably moving to an apt & renting), having neighbours I can ask for help if needed and so on.
Well, have to add too that the worse of all is this jobless situation, my husband I really feel for him, he’s a good man and very able and can’t find any work, it’s crazy, it seems so unfair and it’s very painful too, and of course not having an income my anxiety regarding our finances and future is never ending and hard to handle.
Just wanted to end by saying I can see your situation is different and how vital your house seems to be for you, I hope so much there’s a way you can stay there because I agree it is important to your health and well-being. I think you mentioned this before and I apologize for not remembering well, my head hasn’t been very good lately, but I was wondering if there is still a possibilty that you may get an extension or in some other way continue to receive the care and help you’ve been having and still need?
Very best wishes,
Your friend Nadia
Hi Nadia,
I understand about being conflicted. That’s so often the way with things. I hope wherever you end up going that it won’t be too stressful and that you will like it. At least it is good you don’t have deep roots or strong ties to the house you are in now. That would make it a lot harder to leave. The concerns you mention about going to a new place would be high on my list of concerns in that situation too. You and your husband continue to be in my thoughts. I sincerely hope things take a positive turn for you SOON. This economy and the job situation is terrible.
Very best wishes,
Paul
Hi again Nadia,
I’m sorry I forgot to answer your question about retaining services. The answer is “who knows?”
When I started these services in 2010, three different people told me case management is usually for 1 to 2 years, DLS typically 2 years but sometimes more. These services are paid for by MaineCare (medicaid) but the decision on who gets them and for how long is farmed out to a private sector company. There is really no way of knowing what decisions they will make or when. It has been 27 months on both services now.
Paul