Stress Ratcheting Up, Crisis Threatens

Things are getting worse.

Yesterday I got a letter from Social Security. They are reviewing my disability status. This couldn’t come at a worse time as I don’t have doctors to provide relevant medical statements. My current primary care physician has seen me a couple of times for physical issues but has limited knowledge of my mental health status. I am currently between mental health providers, having left my previous one because I didn’t feel he was really trying to help and for other reasons. My current transportation situation isn’t helping in finding a new one. This may be a difficult review process.

There is a very stressful issue with regard to some paperwork with the ham radio club. We are supposed to be signing a memorandum of understanding between myself and the club regarding my repeater station and the supporting infrastructure. The club President wasn’t able to make the repeater committee meeting last week so he left the documents with me to bring to the meeting. I brought them as agreed, but I was apparently the only one present who knew we were supposed to sign them at that meeting. My anxiety prevented me from bringing up the subject.

Because of this, I’m not sure how I will handle this at the next full club meeting where the MoU is supposed to be entered into the records. I am at high risk of going into total panic and not attending that meeting. That would certainly not be a good start to a new, more formal relationship with the club. If I’m not at that meeting I will miss out on other discussion and voting on matters critical to the future of my repeater which I have worked so hard on these last 15 years.

Last but not necessarily least there is an issue with trying to find a way for me to get my hair cut. The nearest barber is 30 miles away and has very unpredictable hours. One needs to call first to see if he is in, which isn’t practical for me. Obviously 30 miles is not happening with my current transportation status. I have been going there with help from a social worker but a more practical arrangement needs to be found.

There is a woman who goes to clients’ homes and cuts hair. My dad and I used to have her come to his apartment and cut our hair before he went to the nursing home. I was never very comfortable with her because she asks too many personal questions. As fate would have it, she was scheduled to come on the day my dad got sick two years ago. I was in crisis at the time, essentially homeless, but trying to help my dad. I ended up having to call an ambulance for him. The woman who was to cut our hair saw the ambulance outside and decided to cancel. Naturally she called to let us know, and guess who had to deal with yet another phone call? The entire situation, especially the phone calls, plunged me deeper into crisis and I ended up having to go away for crisis intervention.

About a year ago, my DLS worker tried to get me re-established with that woman to cut my hair. My worker made the initial call, but I was never in when the woman called to schedule something and was not up to playing phone tag. Eventually we just let the whole thing drop.

Having revisited this issue, we are making another attempt to see if this can be made to work. My DLS worker has again made the initial call, this time leaving very specific instructions on how we need this $@!*% phone tag thing to work. As yet there has been no call back. I’m thinking the woman recognized the number and doesn’t want me as a client given what happened last time. What worries me is there is so much anxiety over this whole situation I am at risk of total panic and being a no show if we ever do get things set up.

This could get really ugly.  We’re trying to set it up so my DLS worker will be here at the same time. So if I freak out and disappear, I will also be a no show for an appointment with my DLS worker. That is bad. There is no telling how missing one appointment will affect the next, but if there is a domino affect I could quickly lose DLS services over this. Two missed appointments in a row without prior notice, and I’m automatically out.  Of course, with my disability status up for review and expecting this to be a challenging and eventful review, I need services more than ever now.

It is maddening – and mind boggling – how such simple things can easily turn into disaster. Anxiety and panic are totally over the top now. From a mental health standpoint, I am already in crisis. If this snowballs and leads to losing critical services and/or loss of my only income, I could soon be in physical crisis as well. Such is life with this condition. One never knows when the tide will turn. I have been trying to bring up these issues with anxiety/panic escalating to levels that could cause me to just disappear with my DLS worker (who has no clue how bad this is getting), but anxiety has rendered me unable to utter a word about it.