Today I am terrified. There is no other word for it. I’m shaking. I can’t eat. It is extremely difficult to focus. Breathing takes effort.
A few hours ago I got word that transportation arrangements have been made for an appointment with my therapist next Wednesday. For the first time I will be using a service that provides transportation to medical appointments for the disabled and elderly. They use minivans or very small buses. Even though my daily living support services worker will be going with me, I’m still terrified of being confined in a small space with people I don’t know. It would be OK if everyone would just keep their mouth shut and not talk to me! But they won’t. People never do.
I really need to learn to do this. In May I gave up owning a vehicle in order to have money for much needed repairs to my home. In order to take care of the most serious issues I will need to be without the expense of a vehicle for one to two years. My hope is to extend that to three years or more and also take care of some renovations that are not mandatory but would make life and home more comfortable. But I do need to be able to get to medical appointments and this transportation service is my only option. Within the next several months I need to not only learn to be OK riding in the van with strangers, but with making the phone calls to schedule rides. What could be more nightmarish?
I want to get my home fixed up probably more than I have ever wanted anything in my life. The only way that can happen is making this plan work. No matter how much I want something, success is by no means certain.
Of course that isn’t the only hurdle. Even if this works and I am able to remain without a vehicle, there is the problem of how to get building supplies. A simple phone call now and then to order them would do it, but then no phone call is ever simple. They are are the stuff of which severe panic attacks are made!