Yesterday didn’t go as planned. The meting to go over my DLS treatment plan went as well as it ever does. After nearly two years I am still inhibited about asking for specific types of assistance. Anxiety rears its ugly head and I question whether the things I would like help with are appropriate for the DLS program, or whether they can be implemented without breaking any rules, or whether doing so will inconvenience someone. This subject came up yesterday, as it so often does. The program supervisor gave me her email address and said I could email with any questions I have about whether things are appropriate, etc. At this point it doesn’t “feel” like that will help, but will give it some time and see.
After more than a week of high anxiety over the planned visit with my father, I went into total panic and had to cancel at the last minute. I am very upset about it. I love my dad and miss him. I desperately want to visit and worry he may pass before I see him again. Canceling yesterday means it will be at least several weeks, likely even months, before I have opportunity to try again.
I just don’t seem to have what it takes to handle that place. With my anxiety about people and communicating, it is pure hell to go there. They have two residents per room, every door is always open, staff constantly in and out of every room. With my dad’s poor hearing I have to yell for him to understand what I’m saying. At any given moment at least 30 people can hear every word. It is one of those places where every visit carries consequences and is worse than the one before. After the last visit I was completely shut down for two weeks, not venturing out of the house, not accomplishing anything whatsoever.
It is even harder now. As I mentioned the other day, I have no idea what his current condition is. I don’t know what my evil sister has told him about me since I saw him last. Forgive me. I almost never speak of people that way but I make an exception in this one case. Last time I went, two staff members made comments about me not visiting often enough. I agree with them! I don’t visit often enough. Not nearly as often as I would like. But they have absolutely no idea what I go through when I do visit, or the far reaching consequences of shutting down and taking a step backward in my own struggles every time I do.
My time with Jessica will now be four hours once a week instead of two hours twice a week. That makes sense given the travel time required for each appointment at the dental clinic, though that is not the reason for the change. After my failure yesterday we are going to try to establish a single point of contact at the nursing home and see if we can make anything better concerning the issues wreaking havoc on my ability to visit.
I’m trying to drag myself out to do errands but am feeling very depressed today. It’s going to be difficult getting out.
Paul,
I’m sorry for the difficulty you went through over seeing your father. It sounds excruciating & I feel for you. Hopefully the once a week sessions w/Jessica will go well. I’m glad they are trying to establish a point of contact at the nursing home.
I just hope for a brighter tomorrow…
Jules
Hi Paul,
As always there’s so much I feel like writing but I have very limited time now so I’ll just express my main thoughts here quickly, and possibly in a clumsy, not very elegant manner, sorry about that!:)
1. Staff commenting that you don’t come often is totally inappropriate and unwarranted in my opinion. I wish they would not do that. They don’t know your life or circumstances, and your difficulties in visiting more often – or anybody else’s for that matter. It’s wrong of them to assume people don’t come more often for a reason that deserves a comment like that, which is a bit like an accusation really. I imagine they mean well as they see people there alone without visitors, but I wish they would shut up and not say these kind of stuff to you or anybody else.
2. Severe anxiety is not different than a physical illness that would impend a visit. YOu don’t visit more often because you have a condition that makes it very hard for you to do it and I’m sure you feel bad enough about it without having to add guilt to it. Try to keep in mind it is not your fault, it is something beyond your control (if it were really under your control, you would be going there!!), just as if you had a fever or any other serious physical ailment stopping you. You are working on your issues and trying to be able to go visit your dad, it’s not an easy thing for you at all, and you’re still trying. That deserves a lot of praise!!!
I understand that even taking all that into consideration, it is still a very painful situation for you, and i’m so sorry for that. I think sometimes that’s just how life is, there’s painful things to deal with. When my father got sick and died I was miles away and unable to get there in time to see him. It was not anybody’s fault, but it was very painful.
3. On Saturday my husband and I are going to have dinner at a friend’s house. I have been feeling anxious and nervous about it since he first invited us!! I’m sure it is going to be ok but knowing that does not help. I wish the whole thing was cancelled and I did not have to go! I wish he had not invited us. And this is a simple dinner at the house of a very good person!! It’s nothing like going to visit your dad under the circumstances you described, and still I have such stress and anxiety regarding this event. So you see, you’re not doing that badly at all, there’s some of us who are freaking out for much, much minor reasons!!:)
I hope your new schedule arrangement works well!
Best wishes,
Nadia
PS: Hi Jules, just saw your comment!:)
Best wishes,
Nadia
Hi Jules,
Thanks for your support. It is excruciating. I hope establishing a point of contact will help in some way. At least if we can make the staff aware of my issues that may provide some relief.
Best wishes,
Paul
Hi Nadia,
I hope your dinner at a friend’s house went well! I know what you mean. I would really be stressing in that situation too, even though I would want to go. Even though in a way I would want to go, I too would be wishing it would be cancelled or that I had not been invited in the first place.
Thanks for all your nice comments. I know that “I can only do what I can do” but somehow it doesn’t make this easier to deal with. It’s one of those damned if you do, damned if you don’t situations. I have a lot of guilt about not visiting more often. But when my mother, and later my father, went to the nursing home I started out visiting every week. Each trip was more difficult than the one before, and soon I was unable to take care of my own basic needs such as food. I went every two weeks for a while but it continued to get more difficult until I just wasn’t able to manage that and staying alive any more. And so on. Eventually I just ended up not going at all. I’m just hoping with Jessica’s help I can find some way to deal with this.
Best wishes,
Paul
Hi Paul,
Thanks for the comments and support regarding the dinner. The anticipation was really a nightmare. Saturday itself was probably the worse day, just waiting for the evening to arrive and be over with.
When we got a little bit of traffic on the way there, it made me SO nervous to think we would be late I could hardly talk to my husband in the car! For some reason to me it seemed the end of the world would come if we arrived a few minutes late! I was able to see that made no sense, although seeing that made no difference in how I felt, of course. In the end we arrived just about 5 min late, the world did not end, and the dinner went well. However to be honest the best part was the sense of relief once it was over and we left!! After weeks of tension anticipating it, I finally was able to relax, and had the first good night sleep in a long time. 🙂
Best wishes,
Nadia