Boiling Point

When I started this blog I said I was going to be completely honest about my life and how I deal with it. Today is the first time I have found that truly difficult. I do not want to be honest about what happened yesterday. I would rather hide from it and surely not expose my actions to the world. But I promised myself I would not hold anything back.

Living with debilitating anxiety is not easy. Sometimes it is just plain infuriating. I can barely remember when I had hopes and dreams, thought I would live a full and meaningful life. I have downsized my hopes, dreams and expectations so many times there is virtually nothing remaining. Still it is abundantly clear even that little bit is beyond reach and I am running out of things to try in effort to better myself. Being held back, limited at every turn, not living up to the potential you know deep down you had breeds anger, confusion, resentment, and a host of other evils. I have been through a particularly difficult time lately. Yesterday it all reached the boiling point.

Jessica and I went to see my therapist today. It didn’t take long to figure out the dental clinic has made a mess of the paperwork for getting dentures approved by my insurance. I’ve had nothing but trouble with and bad impressions of that place since day one. I have often wished I had made some effort to navigate the process of suing them after my first visit when they stomped all over my rights under the ADA. When I found out what a mess they are making of this I made a nasty remark about incompetence and used a four letter word derivative. Jessica disagreed about my opinion of their competence and I snapped at her. A year ago she was livid about the way they were treating me. I hate that this thought would even occur to me but it seems as if ever since she established a single, constant point of contact there (whom she now discusses all details of my case with) her opinion seems to be they can do no wrong. It’s almost as if now she puts them on a pedestal, above reproach. Whatever this person tells her she seems to regard as the absolute last, definitive word. Excuse me? Perhaps I’m a bit cynical, but since when do statements made by an employee of any business constitute the definitive word regarding matters ethical, legal, financial, or otherwise? Businesses always have an agenda: to improve their bottom line. Since I am (if somewhat reluctantly) being totally honest here, I will add this. It is no secret whenever any  medical or dental practice provides a service under MaineCare, they get paid far less than they would get if the patient paid out of pocket or it was covered by private insurance. Apparently, from what I’m told, this wonderful, seemingly idolized employee of the dental clinic has been making noises to the affect I should consider applying for Care Credit to pay for dentures in case MaineCare refuses. Well, that would surely be better for the bottom line of the dental clinic, now wouldn’t it? I have even gone so far as to wonder if they are deliberately making a mess of the MaineCare paperwork in order to force me down the other path, thereby ensuring they get more money.

Next my therapist called my primary care provider to see about getting her to sign the paperwork. All we need is a signature verifying my medical history of dental infections. It’s not like we are asking her to say she recommends that I be allowed to get dentures. No matter how my therapist tried to explain why he feels I should get dentures, she just kept saying “A lot of my patients don’t have teeth”. It is quite clear where she stands. I opened my big mouth again and suggested she should go back where she came from and stop practicing medicine here in our state.

I now realize she is not the correct primary care provider for me. At first she seemed very nice and concerned about everything I discussed with her. But during one office visit she made a point of attacking our way of doing things in this state. Here we have state run health insurance for the low income. She made a point of saying she doesn’t like this system. Where she comes from there is no such welfare system. She says there, doctors charge only what a person can afford, and if they can only afford $5 for a visit to the doctor that is what the doctor charges. I must admit her tone when she brought this up gave me pause for concern. Whether it is related or not I cannot say, but so far she has been unwilling to do much for me. She is very resistant to the idea of referring me to a surgeon to have the tumor removed from my arm. She told me it is better to just live with it. She outright refused to get involved in any way whatsoever with trying to encourage the dentist to recommend removing all my teeth, emphatically stating it would be unethical to remove any tooth that could be saved. Now she does not want to sign a form that only asks her to verify my documented medical history of dental infections. Honestly I do not see how she can refuse to sign that. It does not ask her to recommend dentures for me or implicate her involvement in that decision. It simply asks for her signature to verify part of my medical history. Her reluctance makes me more than a little angry.

I hate that I would feel this way, but in all honesty I am beginning to think she has a political and/or personal agenda here. I can’t seem to escape the feeling that she objects to our “welfare society” as she calls it and is limiting my access to health care as a means of protest against the system. Of course I can’t prove it. If I could prove such a thing I would clearly have the basis for one nice fat law suit.

By now it will be clearly evident that I am angry. Yes, I am very angry. I am angry at the system and for perceived injustices but that is just the tip of the iceberg and may be more symptom than cause. I am angry that I have fought my entire life to escape my illness, to better myself, to reduce my dependence on government support only to find that very little progress has been made. I am angry that I have been through hell these past many weeks, that I have suffered a giant leap backward in my level of comfort with club members and activities because of it, that I have fallen backward greatly in my effort to become self sufficient in obtaining building supplies for my home projects, that as a result of this constant pressure and panic situation my sleep is now constantly disturbed by nightmares. I am angry that I have lost hope, that I don’t know who I am or why I continue to struggle against the demons of my life. I confess I feel about ready to simply quit struggling and give in to defeat.

I don’t think I have ever been so angry. The phone rang not less than five times in an hour last night. Two were my brother and I ignored because if I have to talk to anyone on the dreaded phone right now I’m going to bite their head off.  The other three were some unknown hiding behind “Private Caller” and refusing to leave a message. On the fifth call I ripped the phone cord out of wall. This morning, if I had anything in the house that wouldn’t be sorely missed and/or have to be replaced, I would smash things simply as a means of outlet.