Further To “What Is My Problem?”

In response to my last post, a reader left me with a very thought provoking question: is it really an issue that I can’t do the QSL cards and the housework, or do I just hate doing those things? While the answer to that was rather obvious it did get me thinking, and I believe I have a better idea how to move forward now. It pains and embarrasses me that I never saw the light on this before. Better late than never, I guess.

It is clear these tasks are not beyond me. They are not in the same league with going out to eat, for example. I cannot go out to eat because I would panic, pass out, and simply not be physically capable of eating. I am capable of doing the QSL cards and housework. It is a question of the benefit not being worth the cost. That leaves a question as to whether I just hate these tasks or whether they are tied into my anxiety condition in some way. The answer to that is not so clear.

I hate raking the lawn. It is the worst work I have ever done. I absolutely, positively loathe it. But in the interest of having a healthier, nicer lawn I rake it every Spring. It takes me three to four days. I’m sore and have blisters by the time I finish. But I don’t experience any symptoms I normally associate with anxiety when raking the lawn or when contemplating it.

I hate working on QSL cards. Of that there is no doubt. But the water is a little muddy on this one. I do experience anxiety symptoms when contemplating the task and more so when actually doing it. These symptoms are quite intense and I usually go through a recovery period of a few days after just a short session at this task. When I ask myself why would I have anxiety about this, I can find no answer. I don’t know. I can think of no plausible reason. Have I developed anxiety about the task just because I hate it so much? It is possible, but that hasn’t happened with raking the lawn. Do I hate it because I have anxiety about it? That feels right but I still cannot come up with any reason why I should have anxiety about this. I just do. Clearly, even though I very much desire the results of doing this work, the benefit does not outweigh the cost for me. If it did, I would be doing the work! Obvious, isn’t it?

I may have more insight on the issue of housework. I asked myself what is it I hate most about this? What part of this do I dread most, struggle with most? That’s easy: getting clutter out of the way so I can clean. On the rare occasions when my house is relatively clutter free, I dust and clean with relative ease. Why is this a problem? To answer that I had to put myself in the situation. I started trying to pick up clutter in the living room. Every time I felt anxious or had any distressing symptoms I asked myself why am I feeling this right now? The answer quickly became obvious. Every time I felt a wave of anxiety and frustration I was struggling to figure out where to put something. Looking back, often things get temporarily shoved under the bed or behind a piece of furniture out of frustration – anywhere, so long as they get out of the way so I can dust and clean. Next time I want the items I have to go digging around trying to remember where they got hidden. And that’s what I found myself doing this time. If there was no good place to put an item, I would become thoroughly frustrated and have an anxiety attack. Finally I would just cram it anywhere out of sight and temporarily out of the way. But as usual, I didn’t finish picking up clutter. I got to a point where the anxiety was overwhelming. I was hyperventilating, felt nauseous, my vision was getting blurry, and on top of that I was getting rather angry. When I was almost to the point of opening a window and throwing everything in the room outside, I quit in utter frustration. Come to think of it, that all seems very familiar!

So I have identified a specific problem. The question now becomes what to do about it. I have a critical lack of space here. There is not enough space in my desk to store all the computer and office stuff, such as blank media, pens, paper, envelopes, postage, clipboard, stapler, paper punch, etc. All of this is stuff I use regularly, so getting rid of it isn’t much of an option. Invariably some of it is on desk top or worse yet, on a shelf in the entertainment center. The solution to this is simple: I need another piece of office furniture – something with drawers for storage.  It is on my wish list when budget permits.

Then there are the QSL cards and envelopes laying around. I have but two words to say on this: damn them. Damn the whole concept. Damn our forefathers for coming up with such a perfectly horrid idea. To my ham radio friends reading this, I’m sorry but that is how I honestly feel about QSLing. It is miserable work. I lose sleep over it, I lose the ability to eat and keep food down, I get cranky, irritable, and my ability to do other anxiety-producing tasks such as shopping suffers.

Next we have assorted electronic parts for my hobby. Admittedly this is a failing on my part. I thoroughly enjoy the building aspect of my hobby. It is very relaxing and is not something I want to give up. But it requires having a stock of parts. Many of these are hard to come by antiques, others not so much but considering my budget I have to buy when I find bargains. Buying something at the last minute when I need it usually means paying more for it, if it can be found at all. I desperately need more storage for this stuff! I I think I tend to be a hoarder but I have been fighting it. In the last year I have sold or given away more than half my inventory of parts, keeping only those I am reasonably certain of needing in the relatively near future and the priceless, possibly irreplaceable items. I need much more storage for the parts inventory. There is very little space in this small house to add storage units, so at present I am not sure what the solution is here aside from the obvious – giving up my hobby, which I am not yet ready to do.

Those are all issues that have been with me for a long time. At the moment, the situation is just unthinkable and damn near unlivable. I think that is part of the reason I am in such a bad mood lately. I still have all my power tools, nails, screws and other home improvement stuff  crammed in my living room due to the ongoing, far behind schedule repair and renovation of my tool storage area. I’m a single dude and I love my tools, but even I despise having them in my living room! Unfortunately, it looks like they will be here until Spring now. They cannot go back to the tool storage area until the project is completed. I have building supplies stacked there awaiting use in that project. Horrors! Men in white suits will have carted me away in a straight jacket by then! Well, at least maybe my new little room won’t be too cluttered. 🙂

It is painfully obvious I need to put finding storage solutions near the top of my priority list. What I really need is a couple more rooms. That is on my home improvement to do list but several other tasks must be completed before I can expand the house.

I don’t know of any solution for the paperwork. There is no clear path to resolving that other than the one I’m using by default: stay off the air so as not to create the need for doing the paperwork.