Welcome to my personal blog. Here I will be writing about my experiences in life and what it is like living with debilitating anxiety and panic. I’m 48 and have been living with this since childhood. I have tried medications, therapy, relaxation techniques, meditation, coping strategies, skills development, and more but for the most part everything has been ineffective. I have watched others living productive lives while trying to fathom the nature of my condition, searching for the key that would unlock the invisible cage from which I observe the world.
Nearly everyone has occasional anxiety. It is normal. Anxiety is what tells us when to be concerned for our safety. It is normal to be anxious in situations where there is a real threat or danger of some kind. It is not normal to feel intense anxiety in everyday situations which pose no threat. Yet for a variety of reasons, some people experience elevated anxiety in a multitude of non-threatening situations. The good news is that for the most part, anxiety disorders are treatable. The vast majority of people who seek help for anxiety experience dramatic improvement if not complete cure or freedom from symptoms. Yet there seems to be a small minority for whom treatment is ineffective. Why? I wish I knew!
My earliest memories are of feeling terrified around people I didn’t know very well and even some people I did know. I hated being around people and would often become physically ill from the anxiety. I would describe this condition as being a relentless, heartless predator which has pursued me throughout my life. My inability to deal with simple, everyday situations has caused me to go weeks without food, to be homeless, to spend an entire winter without heat (I live in a cold northern state), and to find myself in many other distressing situations. Most were a direct result of not being able to enter places of business or pick up the phone to make a simple call. Phone calls are probably the least manageable form of interaction for me, but it is not the same with everyone who struggles with anxiety disorders.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent. I taught myself computer programming and for a time marketed several successful programs. I am involved in a technology hobby (ham radio) and have learned enough about electronics to be able to design and build complex circuits and equipment. Yet try as I may I cannot fathom how it is I am constrained and limited by unreasonable fear in situations that pose no real threat whatsoever. I know the fear is unwarranted, but I cannot turn it off or control it.
People say “just get over it”. I am here to say that does not work! If I could just get over it I would choose to have a life full of all the experiences others enjoy. I would certainly not choose to be in a virtual prison. Another common well meaning but misconceived notion is “just work through it”. Would someone care to explain how to “just work through” making a phone call when one becomes unconscious on the floor the moment he picks up a phone? Of course those who have not actually experienced this for themselves cannot be expected to understand it any more than those for whom this is everyday reality can understand what it is like to be healthy. I simply have no concept of that, no frame of reference. I see what healthy people do seemingly with ease, but I have no concept of how they perceive life, what it feels like for them.
I am currently living in my own house, the first comfortable home environment I have ever known. It took a long time to find a way to become a homeowner. Here I can control access and get away from the world when necessary. But this lifestyle is not easily maintained. Were it not for social services and assistance with daily living skills, this would not be possible. I constantly wonder where I will go from here and how I will manage once I get there, should these services become unavailable.
I have come to realize there are others struggling as I am, but many suffer in silence. We are often nearly invisible, profoundly isolated, searching for a way out; always hoping tomorrow will be better than today, that it will bring some new answer, some new path to liberation yet unexplored. Through this blog I hope to give this struggle a voice, to share the ups and downs, hopes, dreams, and stark reality of living with anxiety disorders.