A Word About Paul’s Reality

For those perhaps just joining and having not read all the way back to the beginning, I should like to point out this is not intended as a mechanism for complaint or whining. I am very well aware my life could be much worse! In fact I was and remain very hesitant to openly share my daily struggles, especially in light of the fact I have made this easy for those who visit my hobby web site to find. That is one group in which I have, until now, maintained a certain measure of apparent normalcy.  I have many on air and on-line ham radio friends whom I have never met and a few I have met but who know little or nothing of my condition. It is a great risk going public with this. There is no way to predict how readers will react. I may find myself disconnected from the one group wherein I have always felt acceptance. But it was acceptance based on omission of fact, which is tantamount to false pretenses. I’m tired of pretending to be someone I’m not.

It is only in recent years, thanks to on-line forums and groups, I have come to realize there are many struggling with the same issues. Most suffer in silence. It appears to me anxiety and panic disorders may be one of the least talked about of mental illnesses. For the most part, those afflicted with these conditions are sane, intelligent, caring people who simply cannot turn off or control unwarranted fear and panic responses in everyday situations. Of course no two people experience it in exactly the same way. There is a wide range of anxiety disorders, and all can range from mild to extreme. Nevertheless, it is hoped writing about my own life experience will give a voice to these conditions overall, to shed, perhaps, some small measure of light on the subject. If so, then the risk and whatever consequences arise will have been worthwhile.

Some would have us believe all anxiety disorders are easily curable or at least manageable. Often I have seen this assertion in the media. I’m not sure exactly where I stand on that. Clearly I am neither cured nor managing my illness after decades of trying. There seem to be others who have failed to show marked improvement despite having tried whatever remedies were available to them. The vast majority do seem to improve and go on to lead relatively normal lives after seeking treatment for these conditions. So what is it with those few who do not? What sets us apart? I don’t know. It could be we just haven’t found the right doctors, the right help. Or it could be there are some cases which are treatment resistant, not responding to medication, therapy, etc. I don’t claim to have those answers. I want out of the virtual prison which has confined me these many years. I will continue to seek a means to freedom as long as I continue to breathe. But meanwhile I will share my story in hope that some good may come of it.