A friend inspired me to write a few paragraphs describing my journey. I tried to just write from the heart, and here is what resulted.
The worst…
This is how much of my life was spent! I was so afraid every time the phone rang that I would either pass out or run away from it and not answer. I stayed in my home with the door locked and drapes drawn day and night. I would have a panic attack and go into hiding if there was a knock at the door. At times I was without food, heat, or other necessities because I could not manage the human interactions necessary to get them. I was tormented day and night by fear of things to come and involuntarily re-living things from my past – mostly awkward moments when I felt I had failed in human interactions and said something that made me feel stupid. I had no hope that things would ever be truly better. I felt I had nothing at all to offer any other person, that I was but a useless drain on the resources of the world.
The transition, phase one…
Born of crisis resulting in new opportunities, this was a time of great variability but with an underlying trend of agonizingly slow progress. There were many small steps that, while significant, did not really feel like life altering progress at the time. Gradually I learned to be open and honest with another human being about exactly what made me feel uncomfortable in specific situations. That was absolutely vital, as without it progress would not have come. I became able to walk into stores, use a debit card, sometimes pick up the phone if I knew who was calling and what they wanted, sometimes answer a knock at the door. Later I would come to realize these small steps were more important than they seemed. Every tiny success chipped away at the foundation of my virtual prison.
The transition, phase two…
This was a time of great upheaval, of redefining my sense of self and long held beliefs. Progress was greatly accelerated, but with a period of being totally overwhelmed intervening right in the middle of things. This phase of recovery began when I was thrown into a situation that seemed devastating and overwhelming at first, but which soon led to finding a new passion in life, while at the same time building self confidence and a sense of self worth. I suddenly became able to go out into public view and interact with many strangers. This was difficult at first but soon became easy and even desired. I became able to make outgoing business calls with ease and even stand my ground when fighting for my rights. I began to take basic skills and concepts I had gained in phase one and apply them to new and different situations. That felt great! Finally something that really felt like progress and real change! Interacting with others became easier. Written communication gave way to new preferred methods: talking on the phone or in person.
On the other side…
In a way, phase two of recovery is still in progress, as it may be for some time to come. But at the present stage I feel I am finally on my way.
Looking back I can scarcely believe how far I have come. I answer the phone whether I know who is calling or not. I look forward to it ringing because I get to talk to someone! I trust myself to deal with whatever the person may want. I eagerly answer knocks at the door. Most of the torment from what now seem trivial social blunders of the past has vanished. When I stumble now I recover much more quickly. I have discovered a passion and apparent natural ability for public speaking! I actively seek opportunities to do it! While still somewhat guarded and needing to choose opportunities carefully, I want to go out and be around people. In fact I have a burning desire for it. I start every day by checking local media for upcoming events or things of interest I might try to participate in. I have a sense of self worth and purpose. I wish to help others and have identified two areas in which I feel I have something to offer. Correction: I KNOW I have something to offer! What a radical change that is for me! I am determined to find ways to make a difference. I know what I want to do with my life and I believe I can make it happen!
I am faced with financial challenges and remaining barriers to getting where I want to be. At times I am fearful of the road ahead, passing through so much unknown territory. What if I fall or lose my way? But despite that I am relatively happy and upbeat. As the walls of my anxiety prison continue to crumble around me, I feel a sense of empowerment, courage, and confidence ever building within.