Letter to My Friends

Today I am posting a letter I sent to friends this holiday season.  I think this sums up a lot of what is going on and how I feel right now.

Dear friends:

I know some of you are having a tough time right now. I hope you know I’m here if you need me. I’m not doing a good job of keeping in touch lately but I am always ready and willing to listen.

I understand some of you may not be able to read this entire letter, as it is very long. That’s OK! Please don’t feel you must. Read it if you can and if you want to. I will try to describe what is happening with me and why I have been so quiet.

I am going through a time of great change, self discovery, and self realization. This is a very emotional and consuming process. But it does not mean I have forgotten my friends. I think of you every day. Perhaps I am struggling to keep in touch because in many ways I am not the person you came to know. I am changing in ways I could never have imagined just a few short months ago. If I’m to be completely honest, I worry that those who came to know me during a time of great challenge and darkness may not want to hear from the new me.

I’ve been working on Christmas cards for the past couple of mornings. I’m painfully slow at it, as I struggle with the wording of each one – and often end up writing less than I really would like to. Of course I have “help”, and a couple of cards even got “signed” with an imprint of some very sharp feline teeth. 🙂

Life is busy. My time with my DLS worker these days is mostly spent dining out (imagine that!?!?) and working on improving my diet. The arrival of winter caught me unprepared and I’ve been walking to town on average twice a day (around 8 miles total) catching up on things. Of course, there has been snow to be shoveled.

Boo recently had an incident that greatly messed with me emotionally. I won’t go into detail as I’m afraid it may be too upsetting to some of you. I’ll just say that I thought I was going to lose him in a way particularly horrifying to me.

I’m stressed about finances. This has been a very expensive year with unexpected expenses seemingly everywhere. Money is very tight right now and we’re at the start of a long heating season that’s sure to be one of the most expensive ever. I’ve been selling ham radio parts for extra income, but before Spring I think some of my equipment that has been in daily use will need to go as well. Perhaps it’s for the best but it isn’t an easy decision.

The struggle between transportation and housing continues and is, if anything, gaining momentum. More and more it appears I may have to get a vehicle and abandon work on the house, at least until and unless I become able to work and earn enough to do both.

Despite these things I am doing great. I remain more functional than I have ever been and continue to see steady improvement. I am filled with new confidence and hope. I no longer retreat and shut down at the suggestion of trying new things or that I may one day be in a much better place than I am now. Instead I can envision these things as being possible and achievable. I look forward to trying and believe that I can succeed. I start every day by checking local media for potential opportunities to do something new, to stretch myself and further expand my horizons. Unfortunately I find very few since I live in a small town with very little happening this time of year.

I am struggling to redefine and come to terms with some core beliefs I was raised with. I finally understand my low self esteem throughout life has been, at least in some significant measure, about my adoption and interpretation of certain ideas that were instilled in me as a child. I was literally incapable of feeling good about myself because I believed it was evil to do so; that if I felt good about myself, that was evidence that in fact I was a bad person. Perhaps I misunderstood or put too much weight on certain things. Perhaps not. Whatever the case, I am trying to accept that just because something was passed down to me by previous generations does not mean that it is absolutely right or above scrutiny. I claim the right to explore these things and to define for myself what is right or wrong, acceptable or unacceptable, good or or bad, particularly as it relates to my concept and acceptance of self. This is not an easy process.

I have begun to contemplate ways I can use my struggle, my story, my current and future progress to help others. Increasingly the Yahoo depression/anxiety group doesn’t feel like the best medium to do that. I feel I want to work with or support others dealing with similar struggles face to face. I don’t know how yet. Perhaps there is some role for me in speaking to groups about it, since I’ve recently found a passion for public speaking. I honestly don’t know. This is another area to be explored.

As I have struggled with anxiety, depression, panic, and low self esteem throughout my life, written communication has always been preferred and very often the only method that worked at all. Now I am finding quite the opposite. The more progress I make, the easier it becomes to talk in person or on the phone. At the same time, writing seems more clumsy, less desirable as a means of communicating. Recently I have had a number of most enjoyable phone conversations with ham radio friends who I formerly only communicated with by email. On the radio I have begun using voice modes as a means of communicating in addition to my old, comfortable fall-back, Morse code.

Should any of my friends wish to have my phone number, just send me a note and I will give it to you. You would certainly be welcome to call me. Currently, I don’t have long distance service so outgoing calls are a problem. I need to do something about that. I dumped my long distance carrier some time ago as a cost saving measure, since there was a monthly charge even if I didn’t make any calls. I need to do some research on this and find a long distance plan I can afford.

I feel as though I don’t know who I am any more. I am no longer defined entirely by my illness, which means I need to define myself in other ways. I have begun the process of discovering who I really am. What an incredible journey!

I am not cured. I am certainly not 100% of what I want to be. There are still many things I struggle with that most people do with ease and take for granted. I will be a work in progress for some time, if not for the rest of my life. But I am better. I feel I am finally on my way. I have many people to thank for that, including all of you, my dear friends.

Very best wishes and Happy Holidays,
Paul