Was That It?

Bottom, I mean. It has been an emotionally rough week, but things may be starting to turn in a positive direction.

Monday…

The crisis worker and case manager arrived on schedule. We had a productive meeting with the crisis worker helping me explain the missed meetings the week before and that trying to do too much at once is overwhelming, not motivating. The end result is we wiped the slate clean as much as possible and started over.  Because I have so much trouble asking for help or communicating my needs, we implemented a new system. I have a notebook on my desk that is to serve as a communications tool. I am supposed to write down what I need to communicate. My case manager and DLS worker are to check it when they come in.

I managed to step outside briefly during the afternoon, which probably was a mistake. Ben (vice president of the local ham radio club) stopped by to ask if I wanted a ride to the club meeting that evening. That pretty much panicked me and I told it like it is… there was no way I could attend because my anxiety had gone through the roof and I had been nearly housebound. The brief conversation that followed started a whole new dilemma, which I will write about in a separate entry later.

Tuesday…

I was freaked out about meeting with my DLS worker after not having seen her for two weeks. I felt she should know I had been in crisis but I hadn’t been able to put anything about that in the log book. I knew she was aware of the log but since it is new to all of us I wasn’t sure if she would remember to check it. I was up all night and poor Boo had to reprimand me for nervous pacing several times. Not that it does any good. He is probably convinced humans are so incredibly stupid it is a wonder they know how to breathe!

As it turns out she had talked to my new case manager and knew that I had been in crisis, but no details. That was enough to break the ice and I was able to fill in the relevant blanks. She did ask about the log just prior to leaving. Only then did I realize I had unconsciously moved it from the agreed upon location!

Meanwhile I had managed to verbally communicate some of the errands I was so delinquent on. We went out to do them, and while I may have appeared calm on the outside, I was shaking like a leaf in a storm on the inside! I stumbled and nearly fell several times (from being weak and shaky) but did not have any outright panic attacks.

Wednesday…

I went out with my DLS worker to clean up some errands that didn’t get done the day before and get some items I had completely forgotten. Once again I was borderline but managed to get through it without major incident.

She evidently forgot about the log but remembered on the way home. When we arrived back here she picked it up and my heart positively stopped beating! Total panic! I seriously thought I might die then and there. I apparently went into a rapid, almost running pace. Boo rescued the situation with a firm slap on the ankle and a harsh yell “Stop that!” which got both of us laughing. We formulated a game plan for next week based on entries in my communication log.

Somewhere on one of those two days we had a really good laugh at Boo’s expense. We were talking about some of the current issues. Boo had been asking for his noon meal but I was only half aware of it. He decided it was time to put the request across more firmly… in the form of a sneak attack on my leg! He never breaks the skin. The claws are out just enough to be clearly felt. Being so nervous I flinched more than usual, which in turn startled Boo. He went two feet straight into the air. When he came down, he moved off a few feet, his fur all fluffed up and body leaning to one side (away from me), eyes taking up most of his face with a shocked and incredulous look that said “Geez! What does a guy have to go through to get some food around here?!” Words cannot describe it. The look was hilarious!

Wednesday afternoon through Friday evening I spent most of my time sleeping. I was so behind on sleep and totally exhausted.

It’s Saturday now and I am trying to focus on a project. I can’t recall if I mentioned this in a previous entry. I am assisting a proprietor with redesign and testing of a unit designed to hunt for sparking on power lines that can be the source of radio noise. The device is an ultrasound receiver with a parabolic dish to collect the very weak sound of small sparks at a distance. It is a fun project.