In my August 14 post I said things then were about as bad as it gets. Who did I think I was kidding? Things are getting just plain ugly now. When I started this blog I said I would be honest about my life. Well here is a glimpse into what it is like when pressure builds, anxiety becomes extreme, frequently crossing the line to outright panic, and my ability to function crashes.
I haven’t been able to be outside the house on my own in over two weeks. I’m out of just about everything. The house smells musty and disgusting because I haven’t been able to open a window to air it out all summer. The dishes are permanently greasy for lack of detergent to wash them. Water alone just doesn’t cut it after a few washes. My clothes are getting stiff and don’t look all that clean for lack of detergent. The grass is more than a foot tall because I have no gas for the mower and wouldn’t be able to go outside to cut it anyway. I will spare you some of the details but the list goes on and on and on. Any household supply you can think of that most people use every day, I am surely out of. I am improvising or making do without. I may have a roof over my head but life is more like roughing it at a primitive campsite than living in a home. I should have my DLS worker back this week so I have someone to do errands with me. Hopefully that will make the difference and I will be able to function well enough to catch up at least partly.
A week and a half ago I had a nearly disastrous first meeting with my new case manager. I apparently failed to explain that when I’m already so overwhelmed I’m essentially paralized and housebound is not the time to make major decisions that add new sources of pressure and anxiety. Four major decisions were made during that meeting. I felt pressured to make one of them even after I said now isn’t the time to add that kind of stress. The others I just caved in without an argument. That is one of my problems. I fail to stand up for myself and say no often enough. Afterward anxiety spiked until it became absolute panic. I was lucky. Somewhere in all that emotional devastation I was able to connect with adult crisis services. They came to my rescue by providing food and by taking action to reduce one source of anxiety.
But that wasn’t the end of it. I stayed out of absolute panic for a couple of days, then right back to the bottom fearing the next meeting with the new case manager. Despite being desperate and at wit’s end trying to cope with that and keep the services that brought me so far in the past two years, I missed that meeting due to panic. I missed the next meeting also. Once again at the brink of disaster I somehow managed to connect with crisis services. They came to my aid again, taking steps to ensure I won’t lose case management and daily living support services due to missed appointments without notice. A crisis worker is scheduled to come out tomorrow to mediate a meeting between myself and the case manager. Hopefully we can find a solution that works for everyone; something that will get me out of the crippling rut I am now in rather than making it deeper, and then move forward at a pace I can handle. I do need to push myself and I do need to make changes – but they have to come at an appropriate pace. I need the new case manager to “get” that.
Hi Paul,
I see in your most recent blog (I read that first) that things improved since this posting but I wanted to comment here briefly anyway that I can relate to having strong reactions to events that most people would handle easily and without consequences. This week I had to go out and talk to a neighbor who had her huge, threatening dog out of a leash. I saw them doing that several times and finally had to do something because it is endangering others here, not to mention it is against the city ordinance and the homeowners association covenant. The exchange was civil but during it her huge dog kept trying to jump at me and she was barely able to hold it. These two elements together (having to stand up to somebody and feeling under threat from the dog) were too much for me. I was a nerve wreck afterwards and still am. I can’t even open my curtains because I am worried I will see them with the dog out of the leash again and feel I have to do something like call the police, which is extremely difficult for me. I am worried about going outside, I am worried those neighbors will do something against me or my house, I am worried the dog will attack somebody (sometimes there are children walking around). This little episode turned my current life into a nightmare. I can’t stop thinking, worrying and obsessing about it. My husband is reassuring me that I did not do anything wrong, that they are the ones in the wrong and probably worried, that nothing will happen etc. But rational arguments make little difference.
As you see, in a very practical way I can relate a lot to what you wrote.
I will try to catch up later and write on your other entry as well. I have been neglecting my internet activity a lot, I just don’t seem to find the time anymore. But your blog helps me a lot and I will continue to read and comment here whenever I can!
Best wishes,
Nadia
Hi Nadia,
I’m sorry I didn’t reply to this sooner. My life got turned upside down and I am just now getting back to “normal” – a term I hate to use to describe anything about my life! Although there is nothing typical about what is happening now either. I will try to get some posts up about what has been going on in the next few days.
I think you did a very good thing standing up to that woman about the dog. I can only hope I would have that much courage in a similar situation – but I doubt I would. I am sorry it caused you so much difficulty, but I completely understand. I hope things are much better for you now.
Best wishes,
Paul