This morning I was thinking about my last post and how totally absurd all this must seem to those who haven’t struggled with this condition. It even seems absurd to me. That one could be so limited by anxiety and panic that it takes months to learn a few very basic skills is beyond one’s ability to comprehend. How is it that one simple act such as walking into an unfamiliar store can trigger intense anxiety and even panic? Yet I cannot begin to count the times such a simple thing has led to panic so severe as to result in momentary loss of consciousness and collapse, to be followed by days of tormenting emotional and physical after-affects. People are able to understand physical, tangible ailments. But this defies belief and comprehension. Logic does not apply.
Today is one of those very unsettled days. I have been unable to stay focused on any task for more than a few minutes. I find myself wandering from task to task without intending to. Or even, it seems, without being fully aware of it. My mind is troubled by thoughts I try to suppress, but no distraction seems adequate today. I am increasingly bothered by not having seen my mom or dad in several months and not knowing if I will ever see them again. I am struggling with the fact I cannot grant my dad’s last request. I suspect I will be dealing with those issues long after they leave this world.
I’ve been trying to finalize a list of materials I need in case by some miracle I am able to take advantage of tomorrow’s opportunity. Everywhere I look I find the problems have worsened since my last inspection. Bats have invaded the attic through holes left by rotting wood. Mice and bats have invaded the porch/storage area in a similar manner. This is getting intolerable! I am constantly aware that I am running out of time, both in terms of getting to these issues while they are still reasonably repairable, and in terms of weather opportunity. I have only a few weeks of moderate temperatures for roofing and painting tasks. If I miss this window, another winter of melting snow and constant water infiltration will exact a heavy toll. Despite the urgency of the situation and intense desire to tackle these repairs immediately, I find the outlook less than promising. The slightest thought of actually going out and buying materials sends me into panic. As a result my body is completely out of order. I cannot eat today without violent and uncomfortable consequences. Ah, life as usual.