Early morning anxiety attacks, that is. I hadn’t had one in weeks, a fact which somehow I had managed to overlook until this morning. I awoke having one of those horrible can’t breathe, can’t think attacks with no apparent focus.
I asked myself what has changed that might bring this on again? I can think of only two things: financial decisions and a tentatively planned visit with my dad.
I’m very seriously considering buying another piece of equipment to help me locate power line problems. If I do that will delay having enough money to buy a vehicle by yet another month or two (putting it at late summer or early autumn 2013). I’m worried about getting into serious trouble with this lifestyle if I lose my support system. I’m angry and depressed over having to make that choice (to go back to owning a vehicle and not having money for other things like home repair). On the one hand I know I can’t afford to spend any more money, prolonging this worry about what happens if I lose my support system. On the other hand my hobby, the one thing I counted on to help keep me going and safe from total meltdown has become unavailable due to the noise problem. I really do feel the need for more tools to help sort that out if my hobby is to be saved.
I’ve made tentative plans with my DLS worker to visit my father at the nursing home next week. I feel horrible about not having seen him in a year! I’m terrified of going there because it is just such an incredible ordeal with all the activity and so many people under foot and listening all the time. It’s a no win situation. I will continue to feel bad if I don’t go. If I do go I will pay a high price for it.
Is one or both of these things responsible for this morning’s attack? I can’t say, since these damned early morning attacks seem to have no focus. I have intense dread, a feeling that something horrible is going to happen and I can’t stop it from happening. Yet there are no thoughts as to what that horrible thing is. It is very perplexing.
Hi Paul,
I think sometimes the most obvious explanation is really the correct one. In this case, at least looking from an outside point of view, it seems clear that the return of your anxiety attacks is connected to those two very stressing issues. It just makes sense.
I would be terribly nervous and anxious about this visit to your dad if I were in your shoes. I do see my mother and my brother’s family only once a year due to living far away and every time there’s a lot of anxiety involved. Last time I had a meltdown there due to something my brother said and I still feel bad about it but as you say we pay a price for doing certain things. However you are right, not doing them does not help either. I hope things go ok and that going with your DLS worker will help.
Financial problems are certainly a reason for having those attacks back, too. I do wake up in the middle of the night sometimes fearing my husband will never get a job again and what will happen to us then. My husband is having to take medicine now, some anti-anxiety drug our doctor prescribed, just to cope with the stress of our situation. So it makes sense that these are the reasons. I may be wrong of course, it’s just an outsider’s perspective really, not sure if it helps but thought of mentioning it just in case.
I am glad I managed to read all the new entries as I was very curious about them and as always I find them interesting and very helpful. It upsets me that I would like to write more (and with more attention!) and for this I have no time unfortunately. Sorry for the mistakes and any confusion caused by being pressed for time. Stay well and keep posting.
And my regards to Boo of course.:)
Best wishes,
Nadia
Hi Nadia,
Thanks for understanding. The closer I get to this visit, the more intense the morning anxiety attacks are. I’m still not sure this is the cause, but I suspect it may be. Going with my DLS worker will help in that I will have someone to make sure he is still in the same room and that I don’t have to interact with staff to find him. But I’m still very stressed not knowing what condition I will find my dad in. It has been a year, and in his mid 90s he may be going down hill fast. I just don’t know what to expect. I’m worried he won’t really understand why it has been so long since my last visit. And of course I’m having a lot of anxiety about all the people and staff that will be close by at all times.
I can certainly understand your anxiety over financial issues. You are going through a very difficult time which would cause anyone to have anxiety. Hang in there! I continue to wish good things for you.
I wish you could find a way to worry less about your writing. It’s fine, really.
Best wishes,
Paul