Welcome to my new personal blog. Here I will be writing about my experiences in life and what it is like living with debilitating anxiety and panic. I’m 47 and have been living with this since childhood. I have tried many medications, therapy, and other aids to reduce symptoms and/or increase function but for the most part everything has been ineffective.
Everyone has anxiety. It is normal. Anxiety is what tells us when to be concerned for our safety. It is normal to be anxious in situations where there is a real threat or danger of some kind. It is not normal to feel intense anxiety in everyday situations which pose no threat. Yet for a variety of reasons, some well understood and some not, some people have elevated anxiety in a multitude of non-threatening situations.
My earliest memories are of feeling terrified around people I didn’t know very well and even some people I did know. I hated being around people and would often become physically ill from the anxiety. It is like a predator which has pursued me through childhood, adolescence, and throughout my adult life. My inability to deal with common situations is so severely impaired that I have gone weeks without food, been homeless, and found myself in many other undesirable or unfortunate situations – all because of my anxiety about dealing with or being around people.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent. I taught myself computer programming and for a time marketed several successful programs. I am involved in a technology hobby (ham radio) and have taught myself enough about electronics to be able to design and build complex circuits and equipment. Yet try as I may I cannot fathom how it is I am constrained and limited by unreasonable fear in situations that pose no real threat whatsoever. I know the fear is unwarranted, but I cannot turn it off or control it. People say “just get over it”. I am here to say that does not work! If I could just get over it I would choose to have a life full of all the joy and wonder that others experience. I would certainly not choose to be in a virtual prison.
I have come to realize there are others struggling as I am, but many suffer in silence. We are invisible, isolated, searching for a way out; always hoping tomorrow will be better than today, that it will bring some new answer, some new path to liberation yet unexplored. Through this blog I hope to give this struggle a voice, to share the ups and downs, hopes, dreams, and stark reality of living with anxiety disorders.
Great start. You explained your feelings in reality and written very well.
Paul…when it comes to anxiety, I think being around people is actually less than the anxiety I felt as a child. I was a very anxious child. I would just want to run & hide away & would nearly get sick just from being around people. I lived a lonely childhood. I didn’t have friends at school until I got older & then they ended up not being such good friends. I can at least communicate some now that I’m older. I wouldn’t even be able to come out with words as a child & my Mother would chastise me for not talking to people saying I was being rude & that as the farthest from the truth. I wish someone had only gotten me the help I needed way back then & maybe I wouldn’t have as much trouble now or maybe I would. Not sure on that one. Thanks for making this blog, though. Very educational.
Angel
Thanks for writing this blog, you write very well and it’s been helpful for me to read it!