So it has been a month since my last post, again. I’ve been very busy working on the house. Rebuilding the walls is a slow process, and there have been many weather delays.

Lately anxiety has been high and I haven’t been feeling very well. While the exterior of the house is coming along nicely, the interior is all torn up due to this work. There is no wallboard in most of it – just bare studs. There are gaps to the attic all the way around the perimeter. Some ceilings had to be partially removed, leaving even larger openings. I would never be able to heat the place like this. I honestly don’t have a plan for patching this up, but whatever I do will require money. The problem is, there is no more money. This whole project has been way over budget due to the unexpected issues. I have been trying to borrow money. If successful, that will surely help in the short term. I will be able to make the loan payments, but it will mean having no money for discretionary spending or anything to put aside toward future home repair projects for at least a year. It has been a long time since I had to deal with the budget being that tight.

Meanwhile something I have known on some level for years has really come to the surface. I am greatly affected by my surroundings. If they are neat, clean and spacious I feel better, think more clearly, and accomplish more. The environment has been a disaster this summer with the house so torn up and furniture being shuffled around frequently. It is really wearing on my nerves. I’m having a great deal of trouble concentrating, thinking, reasoning. My thought processes have become as chaotic as my surroundings. Not only that but I feel physically ill every time I look around.

I can do nothing about the interior of the house being so torn up. It is going to be that way for at least four years, maybe longer. I can not come up with the money for the next phase of the work any sooner than that. These next few years are going to be a challenging time for me.

I can do something about lack of space. I am going through the house, room by room, scrutinizing every single item. Much of my stuff, even stuff I’ve been using, has to go away. There just isn’t enough space for me and all this damn stuff! With help from a friend I took a load of ham radio stuff to the local hamfest last Saturday. I was able to sell much of it. I didn’t get enough money to make a real difference in my finances, but I did free up some space! I am accumulating a pile of stuff to go on a yard sale, if I can just catch decent weather on a weekend when I have free time. I am accumulating a curbside freebies pile. Some is listed on Craigslist and another local classifieds site. Some will go on eBay. And some is going in the trash. It remains to be seen how much space can be reclaimed, but every little bit helps. My storage spaces remain overwhelmed with trash that should have been hauled away years ago. Anxiety about going to the transfer station got in the way of that. If and when I have the money, I may get one of those large “roll off containers” (sort of like a huge dumpster) brought to my yard, fill it, and have it hauled away. I think it is about $300 for a container that holds 30 cubic yards of stuff. That would make a big difference!

In a way, I’ve come to level two of my journey. I’m doing much better with social anxiety. I’m getting out more and trying new things. I’m far less dependent on others for support. Now I need to work on the ADHD, OCD, and other factors that have been in the background.