Bits and Pieces… meaning this is a collection of thoughts on various topics. But that could have a double meaning. I feel like I ought to be picking up bits and pieces of myself, because I have completely fallen apart.
I spent two hours Monday ranting, raving, pacing, and trembling in front of my poor DLS worker. I really need to apologize, but doubt my anxiety will allow me the luxury of doing so.
I have barely manged to be outside the house for several days. Monday I tried five times to walk to the curb and check the mail but panicked and ran inside shaking like a leaf in a hurricane every time I heard a car coming. I went out at 2:30 this morning to get the mail, but only after listening very carefully to be sure I heard no cars.
Later this morning I did manage to get out and do a survey of power line poles that supposedly are being worked on in response to my radio noise complaint. I left at first light and took all the off-road shortcuts through the woods, mud, swamp, and river to avoid people. This is close to as bad as it gets. I’ve spent most of the day shaking and having issues with my digestive system from the stress of that outing. The fact I went at all says a lot about how much I would like to get this cleared up and save my hobby. By the way I found no evidence of work having been done anywhere.
Tomorrow I am meeting my new case manager who was just assigned to me today. I hope I can manage to communicate my needs effectively with this one. If you’ve been reading for a while you know the last two didn’t work out well. My DLS worker thinks this one will be good for me, which is a hopeful sign. She knows me better than anyone.
I feel the time has come to start making inquiries to see if I have alternative housing options… like some sort of group home or assisted living facility that I could get into. I’m not sure if there are any for people with severe anxiety but I feel I need to explore all possible options. If I can’t make this place work, I will need someplace to go.
Hi Paul,
As I believe I mentioned before, I can see my issues are not as severe as yours, so many times what I do is not exactly the same that you do, but similar enough, or in a milder form, so to speak, to allow me to understand what you go through. That´s why I can say I understand avoiding cars/people to go out, as you mention here, as I also do have a natural tendency to always check outside before I go pick up the mail, just to make sure there´s nobody there, or even a car passing. If there is, I wait. And I usually go quickly, and don´t like staying outside long, and feel uncomfortable with people or cars passing by if that happens when I am already outside. Now if I really need to go out with people or cars outside, I am actually able to do it, but it´s somehow difficult, and not that pleasant most of the time.
Ok have to stop this here because time is running out and I still want to read the next ones.
Best wishes,
Nadia
Thanks Nadia,
It is good to know someone understands, though I certainly wish you didn’t (because I wish you had never had to experience anything like that).
Best wishes,
Paul