I woke up having a horrible anxiety attack this morning. I was sweating, barely able to breathe, terrified. I was so terrified I would have rather died than get up and face the day. If I could have just willed myself to die, I would have. I could not move, literally paralyzed by terror.
My thoughts during the attack were a disjointed mix of:
Worrying about how my appointment with the doctor will go this afternoon. Going with a new person opens up many possibilities for trouble.
Freaked out about a person I’ve met twice coming by this morning to pick up a radio loaned to me last summer. I’m not at all comfortable with this situation and I’m angry with myself for allowing myself to be put in this situation. When the owner (who is not the one coming to pick it up today) offered to leave it with me last summer, I said “No, thanks”. But he insisted and I backed down after saying no, I’d prefer not to several more times. I’ve regretted it ever since. I don’t like being responsible for $1500 worth of borrowed radio, and I knew whatever arrangements might be made for him to get it back could cause me a LOT of anxiety. I have a hard time with conflict and sticking up for myself but I need to find a way to get tough. Next time someone tries to put me in a situation like that I need to make them understand, in no uncertain terms, that my answer is NO and I MEAN it’s NO. If that means getting in their face and sounding ugly, then I guess that’s what I have to do to protect myself. Why can’t people just understand what a polite no means in the first place?
Worried about running out of food. Maybe Boo will share his, lol.
Freaked out about not having time with any of my workers at a time when I feel like I’m spiraling toward a crisis. Wondering if I should try to call a crisis line when I’m receiving services designed to keep me out of crisis. Wondering what they’d do it I did, what it would mean for my current services/workers, and myself.
A flood of thoughts and emotions about letting down the one person in my life who has the most confidence in me. It’s a worker. She has said I’m her favorite client because I really try to get better and I really make progress, and she can really help me… whereas most of her clients are not really capable of benefiting from services. Progress? Where is that? Is it really progress if it can all be wiped out so quickly? I would do anything to feel as though I deserve that confidence, that I’ve earned it. But I don’t feel that way and I seem powerless to change how I feel or to improve my current level of function.
After an hour of paralyzing torment, I was able to get out of bed. I’ve been up for a while now. Getting some caffeine into my system is helping to calm me somewhat but I’m still extremely anxious and not at all sure I want to see another day.
Hi Paul,
You have a lot of concerns right now, that’s truly overwhelming. Just a few comments:
I also have problems saying no. I agree it’s something we have to work on. Being prepared helps I guess. I think this bad experience is a good opportunity to think how to handle something similar next time. Maybe coming up with a sentence you could say. Like, “it does not matter how many times you ask me, my answer will still be no, so let’s just drop the subject.” This is not really rude and maybe would work, I don’t know. It has to be something you feel comfortable and able to say and can even practice beforehand. Like I said I’m not good at it either but it’s something worth working on. Sometimes I make up excuses (well, lies) because I can’t get myself to be rude to people, but I don’t think it’s wrong being a bit rude if they are too insistent, it’s just that it’s hard for me to do it. I wish it were not.
As for letting down your worker, I’m not sure this is what’s happening. You’re just going through a bad phase, it does not mean you did not make any progress. Every road has some bumps on it! It’s a process, I think she’ll totally understand. Do you feel that maybe you have other feelings for her and that’s why you are feeling so strongly about it? I don’t want to intrude and you don’t even have to answer this, I just mean that as a professional she is not going to be disappointed by you as a person under her care, as she is obviously dealing with much worse, difficult and unrewarding cases, and she probably knows that things can’t go smoothly all the time, there’s ups and downs in this proccess, that’s just natural.
I believe yes it is still progress even if it seems you “lost” it at this point. Because you did not really lose it, you’re just going through a bad, down phase, which is normal. Recovering or improving on something is never smooth, it’s always a process, with bumps on the way.
Well, on to the next entries, I hope things turned out well with the equipment, can’t wait to read about it…
Best wishes,
Nadia
Hi Nadia,
I make up excuses (well, lies) too. But sometimes even that doesn’t work. I definitely need to find a way to tell people that when I say no, I mean NO. The equipment did get picked up last week, so it is off my list of worries.
You are correct about other feelings affecting the way I perceive the other matter. It’s a complicated thing, and something I’m ashamed of. I need to be careful what I say in a public form such as this, because it could conceivably affect the innocent. So I will leave it at that.
Best wishes,
Paul