I think, by most reasonable definitions, I am in crisis. I have lost the ability to go out and function in the community. As a result I’m essentially out of food. I’m at high risk for losing services essential to survival due to my inability to complete a review process. I’m so distressed I’m having dark thoughts. The prospect of ceasing to live is starting to look more appealing than living to face another day.
I am receiving services intended to prevent crisis and help me become independent. Clearly that isn’t working right now. So what went wrong? I have made progress since these services (case management and daily living support) started. I’ve received medical and dental care that otherwise wouldn’t have been possible. I’ve learned new skills and developed the ability to deal with common situations I couldn’t before. But I can still be overwhelmed by too much happening at once. When I am overwhelmed, all that progress goes out the window. I’m under a a lot of extra pressure right now, at a time when service availability is at a low.
Causes:
It’s time for annual review of my eligibility for critical medical and financial aid services. The review process causes extreme anxiety/panic. I have never successfully completed it on my own. I have always had access to some form of assistance with it. That may not be true within the mandated review time frame this year.
Going to the doctor twice a weak for the past month has been wearing me down. As noted in a previous post, the first two visits did not go well. After having a talk with my new care provider, subsequent visits have been incident free, but still stressful enough to have an impact on my overall anxiety and ability to function.
The ongoing and now prolonged situation with the dentures, and more visits to the dentist is a source of stress.
I’ve known for some time that arrangements would soon be made to have someone pick up a borrowed radio (see previous post). That has caused much anxiety.
I asked the local radio club for assistance with site lease issues for our repeater station. I’ve been asking for 15 years and they finally took it seriously! That’s great. But they seem to be taking it upon themselves to expand their role from helping with the site lease to an attempt to undermine my plans, goals, and control over technical matters. I’m not happy with that and it is very stressful. This will either end in conflict or in me giving up control and compromising my goals.
Worker availability is at a low point. One worker has gone back to school and is in a time crunch with final exams for the semester. The other (who is most needed with the current situation) is taking two weeks off due to not feeling well. It will most likely be a week or two after that before I hear anything or have the opportunity to receive any support. That will be far too late. I have never been comfortable working with that person anyway. There is no confidence in that working relationship. Working with that person is in itself a source of anxiety.
Result:
I’ve become unable to function, always in a state of high to extreme anxiety. When I try to go out and do everyday stuff like shopping, the slightest problem sets off a panic attack and leads to failure.
I’m critically short of food. Let’s see… two dried up slices of bread… about half a serving of oatmeal… a can of beets… a package of frozen squash which has been in the freezer for more than a year… an ounce or two of milk… half a stack of crackers… and a serving or two of pasta. When that is gone, I don’t eat. It won’t be the first time.
Household supplies are pretty much non-existent.
I’ve pretty much reached the point of not caring. I’m sick of being miserable and in distress. Most of the time I feel I would rather just not wake up in the morning than to have to face another day of the same stresses.
Will I ever be able to weather storms without falling into crisis? If not, what is the point of trying? Of living? The fact is, I am dependent on assistance in order to survive. Not only financial assistance, but help dealing with the tasks necessary to sustain my existence. While it is true I am no longer dependent on some of this assistance all the time, I still fall into periods where my ability to do it on my own fails me.
Hi Paul,
Reading this entry it becomes very clear to me that your main issue right now is the lack of proper help. It’s truly unfortunate that there are things going on right now that prevent the case workers to provide the help you was getting. But IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT OR YOUR ISSUE! What you’re going through is very stressful and you need somebody there to help you with that. If you don’t have it, it’s natural that you feel worse.
I’m worried about your food situation. It’s worrisome that there’s nobody available to help you with that. I live very far away in Georgia otherwise I would get you some groceries.:) I was wondering if there’s a neighbor or friend from the radio group you could ask to bring you some milk and bread etc from the store when they go there, at their own convenience? You can say you’re sick and unable to leave home. You may be surprised at how helpful people can be. It’s not a bother for most of us to do something like that, and many feel happy to help. I know I would. Sorry if this is not very helpful I’m here thinking of what could be but I can’t think of much! Please keep us posted as to your situation, ok!! Hope things get better very, very soon.
Sorry not to write more and to write so quickly. Now that I recovered from my flu my husband is sick and i’m taking care of him. And see how things are: yesterday he was called and offered his first job interview after more than a year looking for a job. And right now when he’s sick!!He managed to get the interview for Friday and we’re trying to get him ready to go. The whole thing is so stressful. He has to recover, get a haircut, get clothes. I can’t believe they called him right when he’s sick…well, that’s life I guess. Sorry to ramble on!
Very best wishes and again please keep us posted on how things are going, ok!
Nadia
Hi Nadia,
Again I am sorry you both got the flu. What terrible timing! This is Murphy’s Law in action! I hope he was able to get better and make the interview. Please let me know next time you visit the blog, if you don’t mind.
Please don’t worry about my food situation! I swear it’s nothing new. This is actually rather mild compared to what I dealt with for many years.
I do understand what you are saying with regard to workers not being available, but on the other hand I was expected to be able to do these things on my own by now. That is one of my BIG worries. It was made VERY clear to me one only gets to keep these services for a year or two. I’m at the two year mark this month, and while there has been no talk of discontinuing services, I know I’m overdue. Obviously, I haven’t made enough progress to be able to get by on my own, and I worry what will happen when I do find myself with no assistance.
Best wishes,
Paul
Hi Paul,
This service you get is provided by the government, right? I understand they have to put a time limit to it but if you think about it from a human point of view, (meaning NOT PURELY MONETARY!) it does not make sense. One can’t put a deadline for a condition such as anxiety to be cured or improved. People who could afford would just pay for assistance as necessary and it may take years and years to get over something. I know I had to have therapy for 4 years bfr I saw enough improvements. I guess my point is that this is not right, that there’s a deadline, but I understand this is how it is, nothing you can do about it, and your concern about being ready to be self-sufficient bfr that deadline is a justified one. I’m wondering if they would have the possibility of some extension? It would make sense I believe.
Paul thanks for your concern about my husband’s situation! I wanted to tell you that things worked out in the end and he went to the interview, and it went well, too. The day after it he got worse again I guess due to all the stress he went through. But at least now he has the weekend to recover. There were many other candidates to the position so we are not counting on anything, but just the fact that he at least finally had one interview and that it went well made us feel better! I’ll keep you posted as to the next developments.
I want to read your next entry before I say anything else as I’m hoping there are good news in the food front for you!
Best wishes,
Nadia
Hi Nadia,
Well, yes… the services are provided by a private sector organization… but paid for by the government. I should clarify what I said, or actually I should say what I should have said in the first place. While there isn’t a hard time limit, it is very rare for anyone to keep these services longer than two years. They assume by then that a person is either cured or is incapable of making further progress. Neither is true in my case, but I expect to be cut any time now just because that’s what they do.
As for an extension… well, no and yes. Once they decide to drop me, I’m dropped. Unless I get into crisis again. If I deteriorate to the point that I’m actively self destructive, starving, or homeless, and if at such time I manage to get into crisis intervention (which usually starts with a phone call to a crisis line), then the crisis intervention worker can refer me for case management services… and in turn the new case manager could refer me for DLS. So I could get another whole round of these services, but only after falling back into crisis because I was dropped too quickly the first time. Of course, that is assuming our governor doesn’t cut out these services entirely. He is really going after welfare and mental health services to cut the budget.
Of course I am concerned about your situation. I know the job market is incredibly tough these days, but as always I’m hoping your husband finds a job soon! I’m glad he was well enough to make this interview.
Best wishes,
Paul
Hi Paul,
Have to write quickly today, whew! Just wanted to thank you for the explanations on the services you get and also for the support on our situation. No news yet on the job but I’ll let you know what happens as soon as I know something. I already read your newest entry and will come back to comment soon. I saw that the next entry (not the newest) is showing 2 comments but in my browser I just see my own comment. Not sure what’s going on there, thought of letting you know.
Best wishes and I’ll be back soon!
Nadia