I wanted to challenge myself this weekend and saw what looked like a good opportunity. Our local animal shelter was having a rummage and food sale as a fund raiser. I’ve been to something like that maybe four or five times in my life, always with someone. But I felt I could do it alone this week.
I thought there would be crowds. Apparently I couldn’t have been more wrong! The sale was to start at 8:00 Saturday morning, so I made sure I started out early enough to be there around that time. I actually arrived at the location at 8:10. It was at the town hall. There were no cars out front and nobody going in or out. Horrors! I couldn’t be the only person walking in! I would feel like all eyes were on me whether they were or not, and would surely panic. So I walked around the block a few times, checking back until 9:00. Still no activity at all, so I gave up and came home.
I went back Sunday morning for the second day of the event. This time I arrived at 8:30 and walked around the block until after 9:30. There were a few cars out front but I couldn’t be sure if they were people working the sale or people preparing for Sunday morning services at the church next door. No one in or out of town hall. Once again I gave up.
Maybe everyone went in the afternoon, but that wouldn’t have been an option for me. By noon I’m so mentally tired just from being tense and anxious all th time I wouldn’t be up to doing something like that no matter what the circumstances.
I will never know for sure, but I think I could have done it if there had just been some other people coming and going in the mornings.
Hi Paul,
I think it’s great that you walked to the fundraiser two times on your own. It’s already a sign of progress to have the mental fortitude to do that when you had the expectation of going inside alone. In this sense, it is a challenge that you did overcome. I mean, in the past you may not even have been able to walk there knowing that you would have to attempt to go in alone. You would just not even try to go! So, congrats for having gone! :)I understand it was disappointing that you did not feel comfortable enough to actually enter the place. But I don’t think that this is really such a big deal, for the following reason: many people without any anxiety issue would not feel comfortable either! For instance I usually won’t enter a restaurant if I am the first customer, or if it’s too empty. I have no anxiety regarding that, and I did do it in the past. I just don’t do it anymore because it’s kind of weird, and not really an enjoyable experience, sitting there alone in a big restaurant. I guess my point is that you may consider the possibility that being unable to go in had less to do with your anxiety issues and more with being just human. I mean, it’s weird to go to an event that is supposed to be a people event, and find nobody there. Many people would just turn around and return later, too. It’s like arriving to a party too early and finding nobody there: why go in? There’s no party yet!
I hope this makes sense. AS I was reading what you relate in this entry, I felt it was so positive, it was a contrast to how you felt about it. I don’t want to diminish or dismiss how you feel, just show you that maybe you’re being a bit too hard on yourself.
If what I wrote does not help, at least remember that there will be plenty of opportunities in the future to challenge yourself again and see if you can make it! Have those opportunities ever been scarce, really?:)
Best wishes,
Nadia
Hi Nadia,
You are so right. In the past I have often thought “I wish I could go to this event, but I can’t”. And that was the end of it. This time I thought “I think I can go to this event and I’m going to try”. That is a positive step. I’m still bummed I didn’t get to buy any junk food though! 😉
Thanks for the comments about others being uncomfortable in situations like that. I tend to think everything is because of my disorder. I can’t imagine what it is like to be mentally healthy or to be like most people. I tend to assume that nothing makes healthy people feel uncomfortable! I’m sure that isn’t true but I do tend to think that way.
Best wishes,
Paul