After a particularly difficult time I often find it useful to step band and reflect on it. What was the difficulty about? How did it manifest? Did I manage it to the best of my ability? Has it resulted in progress? Are there any lingering after-effects? What could I have done differently? How can I better deal with it next time?
The difficulty these past many weeks has been failure to obtain needed supplies and increasingly being in a panic because of it. Without doubt I have had more anxiety and panic attacks during this period than in several years prior to it. Many times I forced myself to try to go buy supplies or order by phone. Most resulted in absolute panic and failure to complete the task. Many times I tried to ask a friend for help with similar results.
I have always had considerable difficulty obtaining materials from home improvement centers or lumber yards. Those places provide no shortage of anxiety and panic. Only on rare occasions have I successfully dealt with them and most of those I would have to list as partial successes because I came away with less than I went there for. But such places were only a problem when I tried or needed to do business there. There has been a change. Perhaps temporary, perhaps not. Only time will tell. Even though at this point I have no further immediate need for supplies I am having intense nightmares about these places every night. Panic about dealing with such places intrudes upon my daily activities out of nowhere and for no apparent reason whatsoever.
Everyone said I should ask a particular friend for help with the supplies problem. I knew it was a great idea. I believe he would have been willing to help and may have been able to help in such a way as to promote desensitization and and building of skills and confidence I could use for such dealings in the future. Sounds great, right? I tried every day for weeks to contact him and ask for help. It’s not like I had to use the phone. I could have emailed him. But absolute panic ruined every attempt. I saw that friend at a club meeting last night and immediately felt panicky. I did not feel comfortable saying hello or talking to him. That hurt. I have always been comfortable with him in the past – or at least as comfortable as it is possible to be with a male friend. I do not share many common interests with most males so conversation is always strained and somewhat difficult. But this was very different. This was outright fear and panic.
I have heretofore looked forward to each new home improvement project. I enjoyed taking pride in my work, trying to do my very best and feeling good about the result. That has changed at least for now. I should be working at this very moment. I have caught an unexpected weather break during which I could move my project along considerably. I would very much like to take advantage of this and not have to wait for Spring to continue. But each and every time I try to get to work, I feel so queasy and short of breath I end up stopping. When I do work the pride is missing. I find myself taking unnecessary shortcuts and compromising the quality of the work. Anything to get it done.
I hope these affects are temporary. Right now I feel as though I have taken a huge step backward. I do not wish to think about future projects. I have canceled all plans I had for 2012 home improvement projects and substituted something I feel I have some realistic chance of completing.
I honestly don’t see what I could have done differently. I tried everything I could think of or that was suggested by others. I worked this thing from every conceivable angle to no avail. I was completely paralyzed by anxiety and panic, unable to help myself.
Hi Paul,
We are all different and I never know when something that helps me will be helpful to somebody else, but I can think of a couple of things to say here, so here I go…
1. I see my efforts in dealing with my anxiety as a process. There are going to be setbacks, but as long as there are a few successes now and then, that means progress. Keep the big picture in mind. You made A LOT of progress recently. There were good changes and successes, for example you dealt with the teeth surgery, you made that phone call. You’re moving in the right direction. So keep on going!:)
2. I think I get what you’re going through with your friend. I have similar issues. Example: recently a friend asked me if I would tutor him. I said yes but there was no clear agreement at the time on payment or payment amount. I spent days stressing over it. I felt unable to tell him I expected to be paid. Much less to stipulate a price. I just did not think I could do it! It seemed impossible and the idea made me panic. I had no idea what I was afraid of. Mind you, this is a well-to do young guy who would have no problem paying me and my husband and I are both unemployed and need the money!!! Well I eventually told him in the most ridiculous and unprofessional manner possible – basically saying “i’m terrible at negotiating or charging for my work, I don’t know what to do, you could probably have classes with me for free…” If he were not a decent guy that’s probably what would have happened – work for free. I think he saw how embarrassed and nervous I was and took pity on me really and in the end we agreed on a fair price. The whole experience made me feel like an incompetent idiot to be honest.
But I got what I wanted. There were a couple of things that helped me and you may consider” I talked a lot with my husband about the fear and anxiety I felt regarding that situation and just expressing my weird and silly concerns and having his feedback helped me a lot. So you could try to do this too, in writing, and even here in your blog if you think it would be possible; just say why you feel afraid of or anxious about regarding this situation. Do you fear he’s going to say no? Do you fear he’s going to treat you badly or laugh at you? Try to steal Boo from you?;) Whatever comes to your mind, just write it down. Second, I suggest that you write (only to yourself, if that’s too difficult) what you would like to say to your friend. Don’t write it thinking you have to say it to him or even show it to him. Just try to write what you would like to say to him. It’s between you and the paper. Just an exercise. This usually helps me a lot. I don’t know why but it does. 🙂
Best wishes,
Nadia
Hi Nadia,
Thanks! I have to run a race against the clock today (taking advantage of another favorable weather window) but I am going to use your suggestion on writing out my fears about asking for help. I will make a blog post of it. I like the idea and think it may be helpful to do that.
I’m glad your situation with tutoring worked out well. At least you said something to start the negotiation. Good for you! I’d have just clammed up and never said a word.
Best wishes,
Paul
Thank you Nadia & Paul for such great insightful & meaningful words.
This post really hits home for me. I hate when my fears, worries, paranoia, anxiety all grip me and I become paralyzed. It makes me feel less than human sometimes.
It’s good to know that I’m not alone.
But I wish you two didn’t have to deal with so much anxiety too.
Hugs,
Jules
Thank you Jules.
I know that “less than human” feeling!
I also feel the same way. It is good to know I am not alone, but I wish nobody else had to deal with this stuff!
Very best wishes,
Paul