Yesterday was a busy day. I had an hour and a half getting even more uncomfortable with the new case manager in the morning. I spent most of the afternoon with my daily living support services worker and had a session with my therapist.
It is clear I am now completely overwhelmed, frustrated, and angry about my current situation. The warm season is almost over and I have not accomplished any of the things on my summer to do list. I am running out of time. I have made no progress on home repair and renovation. I haven’t had the septic tank pumped and inspected. I haven’t had the furnace cleaned and serviced. All of this, naturally, is due to anxiety and panic. Although I have been trying for months, I simply cannot manage the phone calls required to initiate action on any of these issues. As a result I still don’t have a solid estimate of how much money I will need for these things (or the dental work if it happens), which is very unsettling.
Despite the financial uncertainty, I have made a major decision. I’ve been without a vehicle now for three months. My plan is to live this way for whatever time it takes to get my home fixed up. The budget won’t support that with the expense of owning and operating a vehicle. Until now, I have been holding a certain amount of funds in reserve for a vehicle purchase if this lifestyle gets too rough. I have now decided it’s “all or nothing” on my original plan, so I’m going to go ahead and spend those reserves on home repairs. It is a risk since I’m only guessing at the amount of other expenses coming up in the near future, but it is a risk I have decided to take. I’m doing this with full knowledge that winters will be much tougher. I will have to walk to town for all my errands vs. riding the bike. I also lack a firm plan on the few out of town things that must be done, but so be it. I’ve decided to take a risk. I will either sink or swim.
Taking a risk like that is totally out of character for me, but getting the house fixed up is a really big thing. Everyone says I shouldn’t be ashamed of the condition of my home, but I am. I don’t even try to make friends, in part because I’m horrified to have anyone come here and see how I live. I’ve had all I can stand of this. I will get this place on its feet or die trying! I estimate it will take three to five years depending on other unforeseen expenses and fluctuation in prices of materials. That is a long time, but better now than later. I’m 47 and still in good enough physical shape to stand the rigors of the walking, bike riding lifestyle.
As a result of this decision, I have expanded my 2011 home repair “to do” list from the absolutely critical to something a bit more involved. I think I have enough money to cover this, a new septic tank, and my share of the dental work (if it happens). I can only hope I am right.
Of course, this assumes I will find a way to get building materials despite my anxiety about the procurement process itself. My case manager proposed a second plan for this yesterday, which absolutely won’t work. As before I was unable to explain that it won’t work so I will have to find my way out of it later. Having realized how much this home situation is stressing me, my daily living support services worker also proposed a plan of attack. This one shows real promise. We are going to try to do this next week, barring anything throwing that off track (such as complications from Hurricane Irene, which seems to be headed this way).
I spent much of today climbing antenna towers, inspecting and securing things as a precaution in case Irene stays intact enough to bring damaging winds this far inland. Chances are it will be nothing, but it’s worth a day of implementing precautionary measures just in case. I hastily ordered some special rope for this project earlier this week. Thankfully It arrived this morning. Guess who claimed the shipping carton within seconds after I removed the contents? Any box left unguarded is a new bed! The fact he is larger than the box doesn’t seem to bother him.