Paul's Reality

I’m still struggling with the fact my life has been and continues to be unfulfilling. I feel the pressure building and sometimes it feels like my head is about to explode. Or is it my heart? Both, maybe. I’m still trying to get established with a new therapist and solve transportation issues.

I’m also in a major financial bind. With reduced income and a loan to repay there is no margin for the unexpected. Funds for heating oil are depleted and I may have to further downsize my ham radio interests. The roof has been leaking. Of course it would be the kitchen roof since that is the one room finished inside. I’m hoping to be able to identify the problem and patch it come Spring, because roof replacement is out of the question. I currently see no possibility of installing siding this summer. I’m concerned about ongoing deterioration of the exposed home wrap. I feel as though I’m at a critical phase where I could easily lose my bid to save this place. More work needs to be done very soon to protect what has already been done. But there just isn’t any money. Even a complete sell-off of all hobby interests wouldn’t be enough.

All of this has been worsened by alcohol. Twenty years ago I discovered drinking makes my anxiety disappear. Alcohol gained control and completely took over. I was lucky. I realized the damage it was doing and escaped. I had a relapse 14 years ago f0llowing the end of a relationship. I was sober for a long time after that. Until this past summer, when extraordinarily high anxiety and time pressures combined with “zero effort” access to alcohol tempted me to take that one drink. I’ve been fighting it ever since. I am making progress but not out of the woods yet. I believe I will come out OK but there is the matter of putting safeguards in place to prevent a similar opportunistic slip in the future. I know what needs to be done. Being able to do it is the tricky part.

I’ve been very lucky materially. No one in my position could expect to be a home owner, nor to have enjoyed a technical hobby to the extent I have. Even if it ends here, I was lucky to get this far. I’m trying to remember to count my blessings and be grateful.

I am feeling a little better since I got the kitchen completely organized and cleaned last week. It is the best it has ever been. I call it my sanity space. Having one room I can go to and not feel as though I’m completely surrounded by utter chaos helps. I’m trying to continue the process to other rooms, but it is more difficult when the room itself is old, ratty, falling apart, dingy, unfinished. Nothing makes it look decent or even clean. That makes it hard to even try.

The last three months. Hell on Earth. These phrases are interchangeable.

I worked myself into a massive setback with anxiety this summer. Far too many hours went into the house project to keep up with progress in other areas. Just when I thought it was winding down, I discovered water had done more damage under the house last winter than I realized. I then spent up to 20 hours a day for several weeks moving dozens of yards of dirt twice in order to try to affect a temporary fix. I have no idea at this point whether my efforts were successful or not. I won’t know that until Spring.

I have to accept that the no vehicle lifestyle is probably permanent – unless I give up on this house. I thought it would be 7 to 10 years. But no. The roof I had replaced 8 years ago is on the verge of going bad because I didn’t have enough money to properly insulate the attic at the time. The septic system shows alarming evidence of deterioration and will probably need to be replaced soon. I am beginning to doubt I will ever catch up and get the place into a “stable” maintenance mode.

I’m struggling to adapt. No more hiking. No more camping. No more going anywhere, for the most part. It was easy to give up those things for a few years, but permanently? That is another matter. I really don’t know who I am this way.

That coupled with the fact I’m nearing 50 and have essentially had no life has brought on major depression. Transportation issues have completely killed working with a counsellor out of town. There is one starting a practice in the small town where I live soon. I will try there and see if I can get some help working through some of these issues.

I probably won’t write much as long as I’m this depressed.

It’s the day before Thanksgiving and all I feel like doing is crying. I’m beyond devastated.

My brother had to cancel plans to come up for Thanksgiving this year. I completely understand why, and actually I’m kind of glad he did because he wanted to go to the one restaurant in town I haven’t been to yet. I haven’t been there because the place fills me with intense anxiety.

Meanwhile I received a wonderful invitation to spend Thanksgiving with a lovely family I would like to get to know better. What a great opportunity. I really wanted to go. I have prayed at length about it. I have searched for inner strength. I have tried to find some tiny bit of confidence. Anything that would enable me to do this. But there is nothing. Nothing at all, save anxiety and self doubt. I turned down the invitation.

Isolation breeds isolation. After a while one has no idea how to be anything else. I believe in many respects a person is the sum of their life experiences. I have no life experiences, at least not social ones. What does that make me? Nothing?

I can read about table manners, etiquette and so on but I can’t build experience or confidence from it. What if the books and web sites have it wrong? What if people here do things differently? What if I make a mistake? What if I offend someone? What if I get laughed at? What if I panic and just freeze, unable to speak or move? What if I pass out? I have absolutely no experience that would serve to allay these fears. It doesn’t seem likely I will ever gain such experience. It’s not the sort of thing I can learn from my social workers.

Isolation. I hate it. But I have absolutely no idea how to escape it.

About a month ago it became obvious I was running short of funds to finish up my home repair projects and winterize. I applied for a loan, knowing it was a long shot at best. I had no credit rating since I had never used credit before, and my income is just two thirds of the minimum amount my credit union usually requires for recipients of a loan. The initial answer was no, based on those factors and not being able to use my home as collateral because it isn’t insured.

My bother offered to cosign, but was ultimately rejected by the credit union.

Then, out of the blue, I got a call from the loan officer saying she had reconsidered and would offer me the loan without a cosigner.  I am really curious what could have prompted such a decision, but I didn’t ask. To make a long story short, I got the loan!

Not having a credit rating of any kind — good or bad — can be a problem. Not too long ago I tried to get satellite TV, but both providers serving my area refused to accept me as a customer because I had no credit rating. Another example: while shopping for the best rate on auto insurance, some companies quoted an astronomically high rate based on my lack of credit history. I have no idea what sort of rating I will end up with on the basis of having just this one loan on my credit history, but at least it will be something.

I have 18 months to repay the loan, but barring any financial disasters I expect to have it paid off in 12 months or less.

Now I must prioritize what gets done. It would be nice to install siding this year since that would represent a major milestone: all exterior work finished. But, as mentioned in previous posts I have some challenges to figure out how to winterize the place with the interior so torn up. Winterizing obviously must be a higher priority. What I need is some good ideas, so I can calculate what that will cost.

I also have to do some further work with the new windows. I ordered vinyl windows without the adjustable wood jambs because the supplied jambs only come primed white, while I wanted to stain the wood. However, the lack of jambs is causing the windows to bow in the center, which results in gaps that will let heat escape (and/or cold enter) along the sides of the upper and lower sash. I’m probably going to have to put temporary jambs in, only to replace them a few years from now when I am able to do the interior wall finishing.

If that’s not enough, I recently found out the old ceiling tiles contain asbestos. They are in poor condition and now several are broken from the work this summer. The damage to my health is probably already done, as I’m sure I inhaled asbestos microfibers when I was working two months ago. In all likelihood, however, asbestos is continuing to slowly contaminate my living space! I don’t like that, but removing the rest of the tile would be a hazardous job and would cause much larger winterizing challenges — no doubt, challenges far beyond the current budget even with the loan. I feel as though I am between the proverbial rock and hard place. There is no path to escape!

This blog is about my struggle with anxiety. It is not my intent to make it about religion, but I have recently begun to reconnect with my long abandoned faith. Evidence of that may creep in here from time to time.

This weekend I had my very first yard sale. Most of my life I have been so terrified of interacting with people that I would not have even considered such a thing. I have come a long way in recent times. I was apprehensive about trying this right up until the first customers stopped to look around. The apprehension completely vanished at that point. I was completely comfortable interacting with people after that. I greeted everyone who stopped with “Good morning”, “Hello”, or whatever. I chatted with many of them. I met a number of those people who  have a warm, friendly, almost bubbly personality. I met people who when asked “How are you?” responded with something along the lines of “I am alive, it is a nice day and therefore I am doing great!” Some people have a way of saying that and making you absolutely believe it. And they truly do seem happy with just those basics, no matter what else may be going on in their lives. I admire that and aspire to be that way. My best cust0mer pulled up to the curb in a big rig (18 wheeler). I had such a great time doing the yard sale (particularly, interacting with people) that I wish I had more stuff to sell so I could do it again! This has greatly boosted my self esteem and my overall mood. I would describe it as having become more “eager for life.” Interacting with others and meeting new people generally has that affect, but I still struggle to find ways to do it.

Yesterday morning I awoke thankful for the strength to attempt the yard sale and grateful for the wonderful experience it turned out to be. Nevertheless I was feeling quite overwhelmed at all the work that needed to be done. I still have one wall that needs plastic, plywood, home wrap, and windows. I have two pre-hung doors that need to be painted. I have a utility trailer my brother left here that needs to be painted and sold. I need to improvise ways of winterizing the house with the internal “damage” that had to be done to fix structurally unsound walls. The house needs to be cleaned top to bottom. Online classified ads need to be updated/renewed and more posted. eBay auctions need to be started. I walked around looking over each task but the more I did the more overwhelmed I felt. I was unable to make a start on anything.

After reflecting on things and consulting my faith for guidance I settled on a thorough cleaning of the kitchen. As the reader may recall, the kitchen is the one room in my home that is finished inside. The yard sale stuff has been piled there all summer because that was the only place I wouldn’t have to keep moving it as I worked on the rest of the house. Cleaning the kitchen turned out to be a good move. Now I have one nice, clean, uncluttered place I can go to escape the chaos that is all around me. I feel better.

So it has been a month since my last post, again. I’ve been very busy working on the house. Rebuilding the walls is a slow process, and there have been many weather delays.

Lately anxiety has been high and I haven’t been feeling very well. While the exterior of the house is coming along nicely, the interior is all torn up due to this work. There is no wallboard in most of it – just bare studs. There are gaps to the attic all the way around the perimeter. Some ceilings had to be partially removed, leaving even larger openings. I would never be able to heat the place like this. I honestly don’t have a plan for patching this up, but whatever I do will require money. The problem is, there is no more money. This whole project has been way over budget due to the unexpected issues. I have been trying to borrow money. If successful, that will surely help in the short term. I will be able to make the loan payments, but it will mean having no money for discretionary spending or anything to put aside toward future home repair projects for at least a year. It has been a long time since I had to deal with the budget being that tight.

Meanwhile something I have known on some level for years has really come to the surface. I am greatly affected by my surroundings. If they are neat, clean and spacious I feel better, think more clearly, and accomplish more. The environment has been a disaster this summer with the house so torn up and furniture being shuffled around frequently. It is really wearing on my nerves. I’m having a great deal of trouble concentrating, thinking, reasoning. My thought processes have become as chaotic as my surroundings. Not only that but I feel physically ill every time I look around.

I can do nothing about the interior of the house being so torn up. It is going to be that way for at least four years, maybe longer. I can not come up with the money for the next phase of the work any sooner than that. These next few years are going to be a challenging time for me.

I can do something about lack of space. I am going through the house, room by room, scrutinizing every single item. Much of my stuff, even stuff I’ve been using, has to go away. There just isn’t enough space for me and all this damn stuff! With help from a friend I took a load of ham radio stuff to the local hamfest last Saturday. I was able to sell much of it. I didn’t get enough money to make a real difference in my finances, but I did free up some space! I am accumulating a pile of stuff to go on a yard sale, if I can just catch decent weather on a weekend when I have free time. I am accumulating a curbside freebies pile. Some is listed on Craigslist and another local classifieds site. Some will go on eBay. And some is going in the trash. It remains to be seen how much space can be reclaimed, but every little bit helps. My storage spaces remain overwhelmed with trash that should have been hauled away years ago. Anxiety about going to the transfer station got in the way of that. If and when I have the money, I may get one of those large “roll off containers” (sort of like a huge dumpster) brought to my yard, fill it, and have it hauled away. I think it is about $300 for a container that holds 30 cubic yards of stuff. That would make a big difference!

In a way, I’ve come to level two of my journey. I’m doing much better with social anxiety. I’m getting out more and trying new things. I’m far less dependent on others for support. Now I need to work on the ADHD, OCD, and other factors that have been in the background.

I can sum up how I feel in two words: utterly exhausted.

During spells of good weather (make that non-rainy weather, as I see nothing good about heat and humidity) I have been pushing myself to work 12 to as much as 18 hours a day on my home. Despite that effort, I am at least a month behind where I hoped to be at this time.

Cost over-runs have been everywhere. Unexpected problems with the walls. Having to buy a new door when the old one didn’t survive being moved very well. I can finish the structural rebuild, new doors and windows. But unless I am able to borrow money (unlikely since I am not working and have no established credit rating) I cannot finish the siding this year. Regardless, the interior will be very rough, likely for a few years. Basically it will be bare studs on the exterior walls. I will rebuild the interior ASAP, but it looks like that will be 3 to 4 years from now. The only way to get it right is to completely gut it, removing all interior walls; insulate the attic, put down an additional layer of subfloor; rebuild interior walls, ceilings; wallboard and paint, put down flooring.

The strain shows up in my ability to function in the community from time to time. I’m still doing far better than before my metamorphosis but there are days I struggle with the simple things: making phone calls, going out, and so on. Anxiety has always been worse when I am tired.

After weeks of rain delays I am finally hard at work on my home improvement projects. Getting materials continues to be a challenge but I am working it out one step at a time.

I ran into unexpected problems with one wall. The wall had been modified (poorly) many times to add, remove, add, and remove doors and windows. It had no structural integrity left and was quite literally in the process of collapsing. I had no idea until I stripped off what remained of “temporary” exterior coverings that had been in place far too long. 15 of 18 studs in that wall had to be replaced with new ones. Nearly half of the exterior sheathing had to be replaced before adding the additional layer. It is done now and that wall is awaiting installation of the one window I can put there. Meanwhile I am stripping the next wall, which will have one window added, one window re-framed and replaced, and one window replaced with a door.

As a result of the unexpected problems, I had to completely dismantle my ham radio station. I don’t expect to have it operational again for at least a month, and whatever form it takes will have to be temporary for the next two to three years – until such time as I can refinish the interior of that room. I regret this makes it impossible to work on eliminating the remaining power line noise.

For the most part I am doing OK with the anxiety, though there have been some minor bumps in the road. I will try to write about that another time. For now I need to sleep so I can get some work done tomorrow.

Everywhere I look I can see changes in myself. Even if things aren’t going as well as they were some months ago, change is still very evident. I won’t quote a lot of examples, but take one for instance: at the hamfest I put my name on the admission ticket and dropped it in the drum from which tickets were to be drawn for door prizes. In all the years I have been attending hamfests, that is a first. I always felt too uncomfortable being around the desk where people are congregated, writing my name with people watching, and not trusting myself to figure out where exactly to put the ticket amid all that anxiety. Yesterday it was no problem at all.

The high altitude balloon launch was again very interesting, though perhaps not as exciting as last year. There was no high velocity jet stream over Maine yesterday, so for the most part the balloon lazily meandered at 10 to 15 miles per hour. Here is a quick and dirty map and satellite view of its course. It reached an altitude of nearly 95,000 feet according to raw downlink data. I had to leave the hamfest early due to last minute changes in transporation arrangements, but I spent much of my time there watching this map “develop” in real time with updates from the ballooon at one minute intervals.

Due to unanticipated changes in transportation yesterday, I had no opportunity to acquire the home wrap needed for my project. I can finish one wall, possibly two without it. With heat, humidity, and the possibility of strong storms in the forecast I won’t strip and exterior wall surface just  yet. It looks like Tuesday would be a good time to get rolling on this project.

I am feeling a lot better, though still stressed about the sheer magnitude of the project at hand, wondering if there will be enough time and energy.

I received official notification medicaid and food supplement benefits will continue as before. (I’m still waiting on word on SSI.)

I managed to get many of the smaller items needed for my home repair and improvement project. Today I arranged for a local sawmill to deliver lumber for it. The delivery charge is over $40 but better to pay that and get started than to have any more delays. That should be here tomorrow or the day after. Now I just need to get more home wrap of the variety I prefer. I have an opportunity to go to the city on Saturday, but am not sure if I will be able to ask about transporting this large item.

Meanwhile, since time is critical, I started tearing out wallboard to prepare for building new window frames (and, as it turns out, repairing some other issues with the wall framing). Boo is very worried. He thinks I’ve gone completely insane – I’m tearing apart our home! I found something really frightening hiding in a bedroom wall: knob and tube wiring that was still live! For those who may not be familiar with it, knob and tube was a type of electrical wiring used in the early 1900s. I doubt it was ever safe, and certainly after 100 years it is not safe today! Naturally, I removed it.

My biggest problem right now is probably staying focused. I’m trying to concentrate on the first phase of the work: framing, sheathing, home wrap, windows. But my mind is continually racing ahead to the siding and even beyond – to interior reconstruction and remodeling that is still at least a year or two ahead.

I’m really looking forward to Saturday. I will be attending a hamfest where they are doing another high altitude balloon launch! I had a great time watching that last year and look forward to doing  it again!